We Heart Pride

I only discovered its existence a couple years ago when I was about 15. I had always knew I was different from everyone else but I just didn’t know how. I started questioning my self around the age of 13. I was in 8th grade and all my friends were starting to date and have their first kisses and I wasn’t. I didn’t want to, but I didn’t not want to, I was indifferent. 

Around the time I started questioning myself I began to have a crush on one of my close friends who was a girl. It was a strange time for me because what girl has a crush on another girl? It was unheard of in middle school. I attempted to ignore my feelings towards her and push them aside. Eventually I would be successful in doing so…three years later when she got an incredible boyfriend and I knew for sure I had no chance.

During my sophomore year of high school, I became highly frustrated with myself. By this time I had been questioning myself a lot for almost 3 years and I still had no idea who or what I was. For a while I thought I was bisexual, because I had feelings for other girls but had also fallen in love with boys. I considered the idea of being a lesbian because I hadn’t wanted to have sex with guys, but I also didn’t really like the idea of having it with a girl either. 

It was incredibly frustrating for me to not understand myself. If I couldn’t understand myself how was I supposed to find someone who could understand me? I didn’t know if I was just a late bloomer or if there was something wrong with me. 

One day after school, I sat in my room. I was overwhelmed, depressed, and frustrated at myself. I remember crying a lot, but that wasn’t unusual at that time in my life. I was crying and I was mad at the world. In a fit of desperation I grabbed my phone and typed into the Google search bar: “I don’t want sex is there something wrong with me” and clicked on the first result. 

The first page I looked at belonged to the website Urban Dictionary, and displayed on the screen was the word asexual and a definition. The feeling of relief was almost instantaneous. Everything just clicked. I remember taking a deep breath and exhaling. There was finally a word for what I was feeling-or not feeling- and I wasn’t alone. 

The next thing I did was cry of happiness. I did a few more quick searches to verify the information then I took to Tumblr. I searched the tag and found The Asexuality Blog and began to learn as much as I could about asexuality.

Discovering the term asexuality was only the beginning. As relieved as I was, I still had to start the process of trying to accept myself. I’m still trying to do this, but I find the best thing to do is just take life one day at a time. 

There are some days that I couldn’t be prouder the be who I am, I could scream it from the rooftops. Other days, I feel bad and like I’m not worth being loved. 

I accidentally came out (I was basically shoved out of the closet) to my mother. She told me that she still loved me, but that I was just confused and that I hadn’t met the right person yet. She told me that back then, and she still tells me that now when it’s brought up. I think my mother tells me this because she doesn’t understand what asexuality is. She grew up with the understanding and thoughts that there were only four sexualities: straight, gay, lesbian, and bisexual. Maybe she doesn’t want to try to understand, or maybe she simply can’t understand. Either way, I don’t need her approval because it’s not something I can just simply change about myself.

Being asexual isn’t a bad thing, or anything to be ashamed of. It can just be difficult at times. It always helps me to remember that there is a whole community of people just like me, and I’ll never be alone. 

Trust me, if you are questioning your sexuality or gender identity the best thing you can do is research. I spent three years of my life miserable as could be and it took me 10 seconds and a Google search and I belonged somewhere. If you do research and don’t find a term that you feel suits you, don’t ever give up. Maybe the term is just emerging and isn’t known very well yet, just don’t ever give up on yourself. I almost did, but I’m glad I didn’t. I’m glad I found the community and support I’ve desperately needed. If I could find it, so can you.

If you have any questions, or want further advice you can send us a message. You can also visit our Discovering Your Sexuality section of our blog to see other messages we have received from followers like you.