random stuff 💕

My whole life things have been weird. I don’t know if I have repressed trauma or something like that, but I remember even when I was in elementary school I had like…sides of me. I remember them differently and they don’t seem connected. There’s the me who was selectively mute, was the weird kid who stood around on the playground doing nothing, and then there was the me who enjoyed playing with the other kids, talked and made friends with people at my desk, made everyone at the table laugh with my dry sense of humor.

I remember both of those, with seemingly no timeline connection whatsoever. And it wasn’t like I was pretending for one of them or anything, or like putting on a mask. They were both ME. That much I know.

I’ve been through a lot since then, but it’s always felt like something’s wrong. There are different parts of me that I just can’t seem to unite and it always makes me uncomfortable to think about it. I often find myself talking to myself in my head, discussing, arguing, instructing myself on how to care for me. It feels like someone else who loves me is talking to me.

I’m in college now and I’m both the super weird kid (introverted, into fandom and writing fanfic, playing “niche” games and watching “niche” shows, likes being alone with my thoughts, social anxiety, I’m alterhuman) and the painfully average kid (extroverted, charismatic, I make people laugh, look basic, in an organization, go to parties, hang out with large groups). Both feel like genuinely myself. It feels like there’s a split between the sides of myself and I can’t get them to meet.

There’s definitely some spillover but it feels like I kind of make a switch depending on the situation. I’ve always thought of myself as one single person and would like to be. But it feels like there’s just a huge gap and both sides love the other so much but are also a little bit uncomfortable with each other.

I don’t know what to do!! What is this!!