sorry i can’t go out tonight i’m at home sitting down

i will replace chatgpt

love pulling the whole "loyal knight" thing on my friends because 1. they never expect it and 2. they go along with it every time

"my liege. your royal advisor and i have discussed this grave matter and we concur that you should not continue to commune with your ex regardless of what medicinal herbs he offers you. he is a stinky fuckhead. his presence is a blight upon our kingdom." and they just go yeah youre right and never bring up the whole knight thing even if they take a moment to process it

yeah yeah rainbow capitalism is bad and whatever but like. when I was a child, being pro gay was not the popular or lucrative choice. I'm happy that times have changed.

I miss rainbow capitalism. I do. I miss when it felt like public opinion was still pro gay. I understand it was always an empty gesture, but it mattered in a sense of knowing how socially acceptable being queer is. If that makes sense.

this too shall pass but the fuck was that for

My coworker said he was having a bad day and I said 'it can't be that bad you haven't started howling like a sad dog yet' and he let out the saddest most pathetic little howl I've ever heard and I was like 'damn ok do you need to have a break?'

Banned from manager training for making my coworker bark.

This has become such a meme at work i just asked the store manager how her days going and she went awoo

why is “get ___ed idiot” one of the funniest sentences in the english language

get verbed idiot, the sequel to “ok nounboy”

get verbed nounboy

I think that if you had enough daughters AND played your cards right you could spring Mambo Number Five out at the EXACT right gathering and shatter your entire family's trust forever

The secret is to name them out of order with the lyrics so by the time anyone catches on it's too late

For me personally the ideal gathering would be my funeral

i haaaate being avoidant. it makes you feel like the world's biggest jackass whenever someone tries to talk to you or whatever and you just Freeze Up

Oh sorry i took a long ass time to reply and didnt say anything. I got arbitrarily scared and tired myself out so now i cant say much. Oopsie teehee. it makes you feel like a huge dickhead

my neighbour had a friend over, and the friend started shouting "LOOK! LOOK! THAT CAT IS CLIMBING THE FENCE! OVER THERE!" and my neighbour was just like "yeah....... it does that."

they just added sparkledogs to the kennel club registry