just a confused gay

“Minerva asked me to check on you,” Remus said, his voice a whisper. Harry nodded, but said nothing. Remus was unsure of himself, unsure of what Harry needed, and so he opened his mouth and let whatever he wanted come out.

“My mother passed away when I was 17. She was sick for a long time. I had used her illness as an excuse for my monthly disappearances, but there was some truth to it in the end.” Remus grabbed a handful of dirt and pebbles, watching them sift through his hands and away with the lapping water, repeating the movement again and again.

“It was cancer. Such a silly muggle illness with no rhyme or reason to it. My father didn’t recognize the signs until it was too late. For some reason, magic couldn’t heal her, and neither could the muggle doctors. And she died. It was... hard. Hard to bear. Hard to find that my mother had died due to an illness I couldn’t prevent.”

Harry was quiet, the words of his old friend starting to penetrate his mind. He realized he didn’t know much about Remus Lupin, and found himself curious to the point of the story. 

“I always thought that I would end up killing my mother. Whether it be from stress or an accident during shifting. It was always a looming thought over my head every time I went home. But it never happened. I would go home and my mother would bake, and we would fish, or pick flowers, or garden. She had this little pack of ducklings that treated her like a mother and followed her every move whenever she stepped outside.” His eyes grew misty and he smiled. “I haven’t thought about those ducks in a while.” He looked over to Harry, who was still looking away, but Remus could tell he was listening. 

“it’s interesting, when I remember her death now. I don’t remember much of the actual day, but I remember the day before, when I spent the afternoon in the hospital. She had been feeling uncharacteristically well. She asked me for an arm and she pulled her I.V. along with her. We looked quite a sight, I’m sure, but mom didn’t mind. She just wanted to walk. We went through the entire floor, saying hello to familiar nurses and friends that she had made.” Remus turned his eyes to the horizon, as if picturing it all like he was there again. There was a bit of silence, as if Remus was gathering his strength about the whole thing. He hadn’t spoken about these experiences for many years, and it was easy to tell. Harry let his gaze wander over to him, noticing his sad but touched expression. 

Remus pushed on. “We talked about anything and everything, from flowers to bees to the type of parchment to use. She asked me about the future, what I wanted to be when I grew up, what I was looking for in someone I loved. I don’t know if my mom knew about me and Sirius, but I assume she did. We were writing to each other constantly and I have never been one to hide my feelings very well.”

Remus turned slightly, trying to face Harry more in the water. The young boy looked up at him, his eyes red. He pulled them off of his face and tucked them into his shirt. “Go on,” he said, his voice quiet.

“When I left the hospital, I asked my mother if she could do one thing in the whole world, what it would be. And you know what she said? She said, I wish I could sit in my garden and watch the sunset, and feel the love of the world forever.” Remus rubbed at the tears coming out of his eyes, but he was smiling. 

“After she died, I was sitting in front of her grave, asking her why she had to go so soon, why she couldn’t have fought just a little harder. Why she had left me alone in such a scary time. I stayed there for hours, watching as the sun got deeper in the sky. I felt very very very alone.” 

“Did Sirius show up?” Harry asked, sounding very much like a boy who had had a bad dream.

“He did.” Remus pulled up his knees and rested his arms on top of them. “My father probably told him where I was. He came and sat beside me, just like this, not saying a word. He loved me in a way I had never been loved, but in that moment, I think he understood me more than he ever had.” He sighed, deeply, like he couldn’t get enough oxygen to clear out the feelings he had inside. “We sat in front of her grave in silence until Sirius told me the story of how he had gone to the hospital to visit her, without me knowing. He had bought her flowers and read her a book, and stayed there for hours til the nurses kicked him out. I asked why he had never told me. And I’ll never forget what he said.”

Remus looked over at Harry, his tears coming in earnest. “He said, “I didn’t go for you. I went because, if Hope Lupin could raise someone as good as you, then maybe she could have something good for me.” He shook his head. “He went because of the person she was, and wanted to take a little bit of that for himself.”

Harry looked ahead again, watching the sunlight shimmer against the water as they sat in silence. “He told me, you know.” Harry said finally. Remus looked over at him curiously. “He told me about you and him. He told me how you had loved each other when you were younger, like how my dad and mom had loved each other. He said, though, that now it was different. You both had changed too much to ever find your way back to each other like you had before.” Harry turned to him “Was that true?”

“Partly,” came the quiet response. “The boy that fell in love with Sirius Black didn’t exist when Sirius’ name was cleared. In his place was a tired old man who had seen enough heartache to last a lifetime. It was... difficult. To let him back in. But we tried. We tried so hard. When you love someone that much, Harry, you would do anything to make things work.”

Harry nodded. His gaze landed in his lap, where his hands were soaking in the cold water. “I don’t think Sirius was afraid of anything,” he whispered. “Even when he was alone and hiding, he always pushed on and came out the winner. He seemed so fearless, so... invincible.”

“Sirius was stronger than anyone I had ever met before, except my mother.” Remus agreed before placing a soft hand on Harry’s arm. “But you’re wrong. He was afraid of one thing; he was afraid of what this world would do to you. He was afraid of how you would see him. He was afraid that you would lose the parts of yourself that made you... you. The ones that seemed ingrained into you, the parts that you inherited from your parents. He was afraid of seeing you broken. He was not stronger than that fear. It was with him every moment of every day. It was his worst nightmare.”

For the first time in days, Harry felt tears rush to the surface and pour out of his eyes. He cried, thinking of the one person in the world who saw him, who loved him, who would have taken care of him, and how that person was gone. “I don’t know how to do it, Remus,” he sobbed, his voice catching. “I don’t know how to go on without him. I’m so tired of losing everyone I love. But I never thought I’d- I never thought I’d lose him.”

It was then that Remus crossed the invisible line between them and wrapped the boy in his arms in a hug. Harry let out a gasping cry, clinging tight to the only person who seemed to understand his grief. It was a pain in his chest that he thought might never be filled. 

“I wish I could say it got easier,” Remus said, stroking Harry’s hair comfortingly. “I wish I could say that one day, you’ll wake up and be perfectly fine. But you won’t.” He pulled back. “Losing someone you love doesn’t get better, it doesn’t miraculously heal. It leaves a hole inside of you that cannot be filled by anyone else. And though it doesn’t go away, you start to learn to live with it. It takes a lot of time. But it happens.”

Harry pulled away, wiping his nose with his shirt. “I just wish there was a place for him. A place that we could go to talk to him. But there’s nothing left. Just... emptiness, just the lack of him.”

Remus perked, having an idea. “Come with me,” he said, rising from the water and watching as the droplets fell off him. He offered Harry a hand and watched as the boy rose. They looked quite the sight, their lower halves completely drenched. But Remus ignored it and pushed on. 

He and Harry walked toward the large whomping willow which was swaying slightly in the June breeze. As they approached, it was like it sensed them and perked up in case of danger. But Remus started to whistle and the tree grew still. He bent over and picked up a flat stone before making his way to the trunk of the tree. Harry didn’t understand what they were doing, but watched like he was hypnotized. Remus took out his wand and whispered a spell under his breath before beginning to write on the stone. When he finished, he held it up for Harry to see. “Here lies Sirius Orion Black. The only person in the world brighter than the star he was named for.”

Remus bent over to place the stone against the trunk of the tree and patted the bark. “Sirius always loved this tree. He said it was misunderstood and mistreated, just like him, but when you stopped for a moment and tried to see the beauty of it, tried to understand why it acted certain ways, it became less of a threat and more of a beauty. And I have never looked at this tree the same since.”

“Sirius was always good at seeing things differently, seeing both sides of things.” Harry murmured. “He never wanted anyone to feel the way he had growing up, with a family that didn’t love or understand him. I think his desire to see the best in every second is what’ll I’ll miss the most.”

“Hmm,” came the soft reply. “I think I will miss his ability to make any moment a moment of light, with just his smile. I don’t think I’ll ever see anything like it again.”

Harry leaned over and wrapped his arm around Remus’ waist. “I’m sorry you lost him.” he said, letting the tears stream from his eyes.

“I’m sorry you lost him too,” Remus answered.