WaterNavigator

“look at me.”

“you don’t get quiet when something’s wrong. you use your words. i need to hear you.”

“does this feel good, sweetheart? tell me.”

“i won’t guess. you’ll guide me. that’s how this works.”

“may i touch you here?”

“if you hesitate, i stop. immediately.”

“i want your yes. not your silence.”

“say it clearly for me. green, yellow, or red.”

“good girl. that’s it. always tell me.”

“you trust me because i make it safe to.”

“i’m in control, but you are never powerless.”

“if it stops being good for you, it stops. no questions. no disappointment.”

“your comfort is not optional.”

“you’re mine to guide, not to harm.”

He just finished fucking my mouth, and for whatever reason - perhaps the angle of his cock or his pace or my lack of sleep - there was a lot more gagging and drool this time. My chin was dripping, my eyes were watering, and there was a puddle on the floor in front of me, between his feet.

“Don’t apologize. I loved it.”

“Yeah? You don’t want me to work on my gag reflex?”

“Why would I want that?”

“So I can take you fully?”

A firm slap followed by a stern “Excuse me”?

Bending her over mid sentence for inspection. It’s hard to sass when you’re exposed like that.

Grabbing a fistful of her hair, forcing her head up to meet my gaze, and saying “mind your manners”.

Pulling her over my lap for a quick, but hard spanking. It should be under 2 minutes, but intense enough to remind her it could go a *lot* longer.

Making her kneel beside you while you’re finishing something up. Stuffing her panties in her mouth and warning her not to drop them is an added bonus.

Cuffing her hands behind her then exposing her tits. Reminding her that she’s eye candy needs to drop the attitude.

Yanking her pants to her knees, grabbing a tight hold of her neck, and marching her to the corner. Make her hold whatever position you prefer once she’s there, but her struggling to keep up and the look on her face while you remind her who’s in charge and what you’re going to do to her for misbehaving is perfect.

Making her strip naked for a spanking. Pull her over your lap, and make her sit there for a while before you actually begin. Spank her, make her get on her knees and apologize, then pull her back over your lap to finish the spanking. That keeps her off balance and submissive.

Grabbing her cheeks with one hand, forcing her mouth open, spitting inside it, closing her mouth, forcefully telling her to swallow, then sweetly asking “what were you saying”?

There’s a world of difference between a situation where a couple might say “I’m a sub so my pleasure doesn’t matter” and that turns the sub on, so this whole interaction actually pleases the sub…

Vs a situation where a sub’s pleasure is literally minimized and the sub is expected to have their desires widely neglected. 

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Or a situation where a sub hasn’t had an orgasm in weeks and they might say “Good girls don’t cum.” but they enjoy the neediness that denial brings them overall…even if it brings frustration, it’s more of a net positive overall. 

Vs a sub who genuinely doesn’t enjoy denial and hasn’t had an orgasm in weeks because they’re trying to prove to their dom (or themselves) that they’ll attempt to amputate their needs and wants for the sake of proving themselves submissive. 

–

I was going to sleep anyway. I’m already in bed.

But now it’s different.

Now I’m closing my eyes for him. He feels closer, and I’m melting into his subtle command.

He could have said goodnight, sweet dreams, sleep well... but he didn’t.

in the D/s relationships i’ve been in, those two words have an almost magical ability to make me feel ownership on the most reassured level imaginable. whether i hear them before going to sleep, or at the beginning of my day, they have the power to make me feel floaty all the way through, in a way that other words and phrases don’t.

In all our time together, I only got the belt twice. The belt was for broken rules, reserved for the worst offenses. If I got mouthy or let protocol slip, he’d give me quiet reflection time. Kneeling with hands behind my back and nose to the wall, thinking about my actions until the timer went off. Then I’d write a letter detailing what I’d thought about and why my obedience mattered. 

But the belt was a different kind of correction. In position, no warm-up, full strength. The tears began almost instantly, progressing to screams and full-body sobs by the time he finished. And then he scooped me into his arms and held me so tightly I almost couldn’t breathe. I nuzzled against his chest as my heart rate began to slow. I closed my eyes and listened to his soft voice.

“Daddy’s here. All is forgiven. I’ve got you. You’re safe now.”

From the outside, punishment may be the hardest thing for people to understand about D/s relationships. Why would a strong, independent woman willingly submit to a man beating her for breaking what seems like arbitrary rules? I see three important functions for punishment. 

Remembering it’s not a game. This dynamic is built on responsibility and accountability. Dominants and submissives each have responsibilities to one another and to the dynamic. But nowhere is that more apparent than when a rule is broken. It’s easy to make a submissive wear a plug on a date or deny permission for an orgasm. But punishment is hard. It’s unpleasant. But without it, the dynamic is just dress-up. Being punished reminds me that the power exchange is real, and that I can trust my Dominant to hold me accountable. 

Reconnecting with my role. It’s rare for me to break rules. But when I do, it usually means that the connection hasn’t felt as present for me. I forget an instruction, or even worse, I question it. Then when I realize I’ve disobeyed, I feel even worse. It is hard for me to feel submissive with the cloud of disobedience over me. I’ve stepped outside my role. I struggle to connect with my Dominant because I know I did something to undermine the dynamic. 

By submitting to the punishment, I remember that I am choosing this. I remember that I don’t have to follow rules or submit to this person, but I choose this life because it fulfills me. I choose it because it’s how I feel loved and at peace. Punishment can be awful. But it reminds me why I kneel. It helps me to reconnect with my purpose.

Knowing I am worth the effort. It is so much easier for a Dominant not to punish their submissive. It’s easy to excuse the behavior. Maybe the submissive has been under a lot of stress or had a bad day. Maybe the Dominant hasn’t been as engaged as they’d like to be. But no matter the excuse, I need to know that I am worth the effort to correct. Perhaps that correction is a discussion, not a punishment; it’s not my place to decide what’s warranted. But I need my Dominant to acknowledge my misstep and take action accordingly. 

I feel awful when I break a rule. And if my Dominant doesn’t correct me, I feel unseen and unimportant. I need to know that my Dominant cares enough to hold me accountable. It’s easier to let it slide. But a good Dominant will choose the more difficult path because it’s better for me and for us in the long run. I put a lot of effort into my obedience, but I fall short sometimes. When I do, I need to know that my Dominant will step up. I need to know that love and ownership aren’t just for when I’m perfect. I need to know I am worth the effort to correct. 

I know it can be hard to understand at times and this entry is an attempt to clarify things a bit. Domestic Discipline is:

Using reasonable punishments with loving intentions behind them as means to correct unwanted, dangerous, or detrimental behaviors.

Being patient, understanding, and forgiving.

Respecting one another at all times, in all situations.

Putting complete trust in your spouse.

Spanking on the buttocks and/or sit spot with self-control and appropriate loving intentions behind it.

Using reasonable, rational, and sensible punishments with self-control and appropriate loving intentions behind them.

Being fair and unbiased.

Confessing your mistakes to your spouse with remorse, respect, and contrition.

Taking responsibility for your actions.

Supporting your spouse in all situations and in all aspects of the marriage.

Communicating, communicating, and communicating some more.

Apologizing for mistakes made or poor judgment used with sincerity and humbleness. 

Displaying leadership. 

Setting a good example. 

Showing admiration and affection towards your spouse. 

I can tell that you tried to consider how your question would come off to me on the receiving end of an anonymous question and added context to help with that - I really appreciate that! Thank you.

My first thought when asked if it feels like pretend, is definitely no. My D/s is very much real and it feels natural and authentic to us.

But then you say does a spanking really work to change my habits?

And, no, not really. I have experiences where I have formed new habits or got rid of bad habits through DD or D/s. So I don't mean to suggest that D/s hasn't helped me change habits. It unquestionably has. But I don't think that change comes from being spanked or whatever. I don't think punishment itself is much of a motivator, at least it never has been for me. I think the motivation to change comes from feeling bad about not keeping my commitment to CD, and it comes from wanting to keep my commitments to him, wanting to please him, etc. That would exist with or without punishment.

I guess to just try to speak more generally on D/s feeling real vs fake...

I think it's normal for it to feel awkward or like acting or like it's fake when you're new. Maybe especially for elements like punishment which didn't exist in your relationship at all prior to D/s.

Maybe something to think on, is what 'real' vs 'fake' means to you in the context of D/s.

I have absolutely no clue if this is you or not. Just throwing it out there as it is something I've noticed for some people....

I think sometimes when D/s feels fake to people it's because their instinctual idea of submission is that it should be forced or absolute, that the sub should have no say or no control in it at all. So real life submission may feel fake to them because they helped design their rules, or they could safeword, or they could call off the entire dynamic and to them that somehow cheapens the authenticity of their D/s?

Truthfully, if that's how someone feels...then their idea of 'real D/s' is actually abuse. It's uncomfortable, but a lot of BDSM or D/s fantasies are romanticizing or fetishizing aspects of abuse...and that's fine if it's kept as fantasy or it's done as role play with a negotiation in advance and a safeword in place and all those things. But when talking about time outside of scenes, 24/7 D/s stuff, you really have to separate kink fantasies from the serious aspects of your D/s.

In my view, keeping fantasies separate from the 'serious' side of your 24/7 D/s doesn't make 24/7 D/s fake at all. It IS a dynamic that you have intentionally created, but I don't think that makes it fake or pretend. Lots of things are created by us but that doesn't make them real. For example, marriage is something we agree to 'create' with another person, and we both consent to the agreement...and you could file for divorce at any time. But the commitment you made is still real, right? I think D/s is much the same.

When I think about why I see my D/s as real, a few things come to mind. I imagine these may vary for other people. So I'm not saying if others don't have these things that they aren't real D/s. But what makes me feel that my D/s is real is...

We both take the commitment seriously. We don't see it as a joke or whatever, we take it seriously. We both know the other relies on us to keep our commitment and would be hurt if we just ignored our responsibilities to the other.

We both naturally skew towards our 'role' even without meaning to. It's part of our personalities or our natural traits, to some degree. We choose to embrace or enhance it, but the basic core pieces of it would be there instinctually.

It's something we both need to feel truly fulfilled with our relationship.

For me those things boil down to "it's a natural part of who we are" and that makes it real. We create it, negotiate it and renegotiate it as often as needed. It changes how it looks or how we live it out due to those negotiations and changes. Either of us could stop it all at any time. None of those make it fake or pretend to me.

Hearing me out even when he disagrees with me.

Backing off when I say something is really too much.

Keeping his ego in check when making decisions for us. 

Respecting my limits.

Loving me for being me.   

Handling tough discussions with care and a calm tone of voice. 

Being my safe place. 

Staying on top of his responsibilities within our relationship.

Seeing value in my personality, including the soft, cautious and sensitive parts.

Double-checking his views or decisions if I voice concerns.

Following the D/s hierarchy. 

Recognizing and accepting our differences. 

Working hard to earn my trust. 

Holding me accountable. 

Understanding that somedays submission is hard. 

Using D/s to help me grow in ways I find meaningful.  

Believing in me.

Showing up to support, guide, or discipline me as needed, even when it’s hard.  

Trusting that I am trying even when I fall short. 

Giving me boundaries. 

Protecting my sensitive heart. 

Being patient with me. 

Setting goals for me that are achievable. 

Building me up. 

Considering his impact on me. 

Trusting me. 

Being dedicated to me. 

Encouraging me to say ‘no’ when I need to. 

Doing his best to make the best decisions. 

Staying loyal to me.

Speaking kindly of me.  

Advocating for what is best for me. 

Caring about my pleasure. 

Being clear about what he expects from me. 

Analyzing his perspectives, beliefs, and actions regularly. 

Being open and honest with me.

Forgiving me when I make mistakes.

Viewing us as a team.

Keeping his promises and commitments. 

After I was born, she talked to a close friend about if she’d made the right choice - she felt like she was relegating herself to a life without importance - she felt that society had told her that to be important she has to go get her degree and “change the world.” Her friend told her that if she is raising her children to be good people, she’s changing the world by being present for them and helping them live their fullest potential.

My mom believed in this principle so strongly that she followed it for most of my life and dedicated long hours to schooling us at home (at least 3 of us kids were neurodivergent - I can confidently say I wouldn’t have survived as my authentic self in a public school).

My mom and dad have one of the best relationships I’ve ever seen - it’s one I aspire to and admire all the time. My father has overwhelming respect and love for my mom, which she has for him as well. They like to sit on the patio or in the living room and have a drink while they just talk for long hours alone together. They miss each other when they’re gone. I once found a love note from my dad to my mom the day he left on a business trip and at the time I was embarrassed but in retrospect who doesn’t want the kind of partner who writes love notes after being together 10, 15, 25 years?

To assume my mom was oppressed, conservative, didn’t make her own choice, didn’t think about the implications of her choice, or didn’t have a relationship that was both equal and loving makes you look stupid and to a certain degree sexist yourself.

25 years

Tomorrow is our anniversary. We have been married for 17 years and together for 25. We lived in 3 countries, lost jobs and found different talents in ourselves. We have 3 beautiful kids, lost people we love and found unexpected friendships. We live and still have the feeling we pretend being grown-ups. 

Not everything was sunshine and rainbows. We had our hard times as well. But you have been there with me and for me. When my mom got terminal ill you took over everything. Put your job on pause to take care of the kids and the house so I could full time be there for my mom. You did it without even raising an eyebrow. As if it was the most natural thing in the world. 

This summer I found the courage to talk to you about my desires and wishes. What I was discovering about myself. This time both your eyebrows rose. You had a hard time seeing yourself in the role of a dominant. Didn’t want a woman to follow orders and really…… spanking me or hurting me? Out of the question! Throughout the summer we talked a lot. After your first “shock” you really listened to me. Made me feel safe to open up and be vulnerable. It was scary but also exciting. You put in the work. Reading up about it. 

Now half a year later we are on our most exciting adventure of our marriage (of our lives even). We are still learning and shaping up what works for us. We stumble, fall and get back up. Giving up control to you, made me realized just how much control I took in this relationship. We have new rules and exciting play times. I am discovering so much about myself and feel like I am 18 again exploring ourselves in new ways.

The most valuable experience of this journey is to see you grow in your role. To see “my thing” change into OUR lifestyle. You were always handsome but you’re irresistible now. You walk up straighter, your head up high. Even friends and family see the changes.  You start to really enjoy your new found dominance (or rediscovering it). Your creativity astounds me in and outside our bed. You’re playful, loving but strict and unbending. You truly SEE me now for who I am now.

You have always been the love of my life. Now I can call you my Dominant (husband) as well. It is an honor to serve you and I am so so so proud of you.