Crimson Uncovered

A few months after we broke up, we met up to take a walk. We’d both had time to process, to find coherent words about why things ended and why we couldn't go back.

D/s came up toward the end of our discussion. One of our ongoing issues was that I always needed him to be stricter. I craved a higher level of power exchange and accountability. I wanted to be pushed. He struggled with this, afraid that he would push too hard. Despite numerous meta talks and reestablishment of rules/expectations, our dynamic never got close to strict.

Our D/s became inconsistent and restricted to the bedroom. I communicated that I could take more. I wanted longer beatings, rougher sex, more pain. He always stopped just shy of enough, but I wanted to be challenged. I wanted to be forced to endure. I was hungry. But he hesitated when I reacted "negatively" (i.e. tears, whining, an unhappy expression) or showed resistance--both inside and out of the bedroom--releasing the leash when I needed him to pull it tighter.

I am not blameless in this. I relied heavily on his Dominant behavior to trigger my submissive behavior, and that was unfair. It was easier and more comfortable to allow the leniency and to tell myself that the level of strictness I needed was unreasonable. I was being impatient. Perhaps he needed time. He was a kind man. He didn't want to hurt me, and couldn't give me more than he was comfortable with. That was good... right? I wondered if I was crazy for feeling frustrated that my partner was incapable of beating me to tears.

During that post-breakup talk, he admitted that he had been unable to take himself seriously as a Dominant. I expressed that I needed someone more unyielding.

“But do you really?” he asked. “Do you really need someone unyielding?”

I remember the way he said it. Incredulous. Like I couldn't possibly want that.

Yes. The answer was yes, always will be yes.

I have been submissive my entire adult life. I have known the truth of my needs for fifteen years. You can scroll back on my blog and read the cravings of my heart from 2011. I am not saying that I need a Dominant partner who is completely inflexible and harsh. I just want to feel that I am under his thumb. Always, not sometimes. If I tell him that I can endure more, I want him to believe me.

I have so, so much to give the right person. I know the kind of relationship I seek exists. So, I'll wait. In the words of one of my favorite posts from @cherishedproperty: "I can’t compromise what I know I need. If I do, I will never have it."

Hi friends,

It pains me to tell you that BB and I broke up in January.

I have spent the last several months in the throes of grief and uncertainty. It's been challenging. It was the right thing to do, but it has also been the hardest thing I've ever had to endure. He was a decade of my life, and letting him go has left me feeling completely unmoored.

I know this comes as a shock. I wrote about the things that were working within the context of our D/s dynamic, and rarely the things that were not. I am still not sure how much more I should have shared. Perhaps I was hesitant to face the reality that we wouldn't be forever.

A lot of you are following me because you stumbled upon my writing about our dynamic. I am happy that you found us. We had something very special for a long time, and I'm glad that I shared it, and that it resonated with so many. I won't be archiving those posts, so I hope they continue to resonate. I am sorry that I won't be able to provide that type of material for the time being.

BB and I have a ton of love for each other and are remaining friends as we go our separate ways. He will always be one of my favorite people on the planet.

I've had this blog for 12 (!) years. It was about me before it was ever about my relationship, and I am trying to find my way back to myself. In so many ways.

I have no idea what my D/s journey is going to look like moving forward. Just that it has to, somehow, move forward.

Thank you for being with me thus far.

I'm officially longing for a kinky community.

I was with some friends today and a discussion about travel led to the topic of driving. The conversation went like this:

Friend 1: I hate driving, but my husband loves it, so I just let him do it when we're together.

Me: Oh, so you get to be a passenger princess all the time. That's nice!

Friend 2: What's a passenger princess?

Me: It's when the girl in a relationship relaxes in the passenger seat while the guy does all the driving. My boyfriend almost never lets me drive when I'm with him.

Friends 2 and 3: *expressions of mild concern*

I clearly fucked up with how I worded that and had to scramble to explain that it was something he does to be a gentleman, and not because of some sexist belief that women can't/shouldn't drive; I had to clarify that I have in fact driven BB before, so it's not a weird controlling rule (ha) or anything. They stopped looking concerned after a minute and the subject changed.

I feel like if I'd said the same thing to a submissive friend, they'd respond with something like "me too, girl!" I wouldn't need to justify why not being "allowed" to do something is nice; liberating even. And while I am lucky to have some close friendships, the masking and compartmentalization that I have to do is a downer sometimes. Nobody truly knows me.

I woke up wet.

I woke up wet before BB stirred, before he pushed the front of his body against the back of mine. I was wet before he reached under my shirt to squeeze my tits and pinch my nipples, before he bared my ass and pussy for his roaming, groping hands.

Unless I'm being denied for a long period of time (in this case it had only been three days), it usually takes a little more effort for my pussy to enter a soaking state.

This morning, however, it was as easy as waking up.

I reported my wetness to BB. He'd woken up hornier than usual, too. He wrapped my hand around his hard cock and told me to stroke.

He wouldn't finish that way, though. Why would he, when he had a readily available and lubricated hole to use?

"You woke up wet because your pussy knew it needed to be ready for its owner," he said in my ear as he fucked me. "It knew it needed to be useful."

He put his hand around my throat and all I could do was whimper. He was correct. It did seem as though, somehow, my pussy knew.

Afterwards, I found myself in that familiar place. That blissful, happy place that I go to when I know I've served my purpose.

I obviously did not get an orgasm and didn't want one until I was at work later, distracted by the aching need between my thighs. I've been feeing it all day, the pressure against my clit, the desire for release.

I'm not allowed to say that I "need" orgasms. If I say I "need" an orgasm, I'm not getting one. At this point, though, when I'm horny, my brain doesn't automatically jump to having an orgasm, which used to be the default.

Long story short: He sent me a message here on Tumblr back in 2013 to tell me that my blog resonated with him. We were just internet friends for a few years. Eventually, it blossomed.

I've answered this in more detail here, and BB actually answered this from his perspective, and more eloquently than I ever could, here.

We've entered a very hectic quarter. 

BB travels for work a ton between January and March, and I’m drowning in all things grad school related in addition to working full-time. While I was a total hornball over the holidays, when I didn’t have work and school occupying 75% of my brain, now it takes a little more work for me to get into a submissive headspace.

In previous years, a busy period like this would have thrown us off the D/s wagon completely. Rules were deprioritized and categorized as "just another thing” to add to the long list of our responsibilities. So when life got crazy--and life got crazy regularly--the dynamic was put on pause.

But that only meant that it was so much harder to get back into it. I craved his Dominance, and he needed my submission, but every time it was time to get back on the wagon, we couldn’t catch up. I had to get used to having rules again. He had to get used to holding me accountable, and not worrying that it would be ‘too much’ if he was strict with me. It’s kind of embarrassing to admit, but I wasn’t even in the habit of calling him ‘sir’ anymore. I hated how that felt. It was confusing, too. If we were inherently submissive and Dominant, shouldn’t it be easier than it was?

No. It’s not meant to be easy. A relationship where there is power exchanged isn’t, and shouldn’t, be easy -- regardless of how ‘natural’ it may feel. It requires a ton of communication and a ton of trying and a ton of learning and messing up and trying again. It requires regular maintenance. 

We’ve come to realize that our dynamic needs to be nurtured with the same attention and care as other lifestyle changes. We can be diligent about working out and eating healthily. We can stay on top of self-care and carving out time to spend together. Instead of thinking of the dynamic as a thing to focus on when life felt ‘stable,’ we had to start thinking of it as something that needed to be maintained like everything else, for our wellbeing.

One of the main things impacting our dynamic right now is the fact that BB is gone so much. I see him maybe 2-3 days a week, and then he’s off to the next place. For the first time ever, we have some rules in place for the time that he’s away (in addition to my everyday rules):

We FaceTime every night that he’s gone (if possible), and during FaceTime I am to wear my collar.

On days that I go into the office, I send him a selfie in addition to a picture of my butt in panties, in lieu of him picking them out for me.

A bedtime will be set and enforced for each night that he is gone.

I should pretty much be ready to stick a butt plug in my ass whenever he orders it. This is an everyday rule anyway, but the difference is that I can actually expect this to happen in the time that he’s traveling.

I’m also not likely to get an orgasm while he’s gone. I can ask, but the answer is probably no. This knowledge keeps me horny. 

🥹🥹🥹!!

Thank you for this kind message. I can’t believe I’ve been on here for over a decade. I haven’t been active with any sort of consistency, but I’m trying to be better about that. 

I’ve always wondered how many of my current followers were here during my erotic caption-writing days between 2012-2015. I was just a horny baby sub writing out her fantasies in detail under the sexy photos she found on Tumblr. And then I met BB (through my blog, too!) and this space become more like a D/s journal. I might have manifested him. Hehe. 

For years, I gave myself orgasms whenever I wanted. For years, if I asked to masturbate, he was guaranteed to say yes. The important thing was asking permission, not having my orgasms restricted.

That’s not how we do things anymore.

In recent months, we’ve gradually shifted to stricter orgasm control. He’s more likely to say no than to say yes. Orgasms are earned. If I’ve just finished menstruating and am feeling extra horny as a result, it’s unlikely that I’ll be allowed to cum for at least another 3-5 days. 10 days is the absolute max that I can be denied before it stops being fun for either of us, but 5-8 days is typically the range in which he likes to make me suffer.

We’ve discovered that I react to a period of denial in interesting ways.

Unsurprisingly, it makes me needier. I’m always aching and frequently wet. I have conditioned my body for instant relief, so even a day of denial leaves me bucking against the hand he slips between my thighs, desperate for sensation.

But the sexual frustration also makes me soft. Receptive. Floaty. I sink deeper into a submissive headspace. Everything is yes, sir and no, sir. I feel ready and willing for him to use me or hurt me. I told him the other night that it feels like I’m not thinking with my brain anymore, but with my pussy. I called it my ‘yes daddy, whatever you want, daddy’ headspace. 

I’ve realized this:

In a period of denial, my most intense need is not to cum, but to serve.

Today marks my ninth day without an orgasm. He says I can cum tonight, after I’ve cooked him dinner and he’s beaten me and fucked me. In the meantime, he’s been pinching my nipples, spanking me and choking me when he pleases. He’s been slapping my throbbing pussy and then sticking his fingers inside of me. And I’ve just taken it, happily. Eagerly.

I didn’t think I’d be able to bear losing my orgasms, not even briefly. I wasn’t sure that I could surrender that freedom. After actually experiencing the denial, though, I’ve realized that while the orgasms fulfill a physical need, I don’t actually crave them in the same way that I crave his control. The desire for his dominance has become stronger than my desire to cum, and the longer that I am denied, the more submissive I feel.

As someone who masturbated regularly for most of her life, one thing I didn’t expect from submission is how content I am with not having an orgasm after sex. I assumed that once I got to live out my kinkiest fantasies, I’d be hornier than ever and desperate to cum every single day.

Instead, after he’s fucked me, more often than not I’m just happy to have been used. The other night, after he was done with me, I rolled onto my stomach and felt the pulse between my legs. The ache wasn’t for my own orgasm. It was for his cock. My pussy ached with the loss of him. He could have fucked me over and over and I would have been so satisfied with just that. So glad to be his fuckdoll. His toy.

Last night, too, I got into bed in nothing but my panties and collar, and he put my hand on his hard cock. I asked him to use one of my holes. I wanted him to, needed him to. He chose to use my mouth first, and when he got close, he decided to finish in my pussy.

While he fucked me, I thanked him. I really did feel like he was doing me a favor. I had wanted him to use me for his pleasure, and how grateful I was that he obliged. He told me I was being such a good little slut. I was happy to be just that.

But I'm not saying I'm never horny. Trust me. I tend to get pretty desperate for an orgasm when I'm being denied. When he tells me no, that I have to wait, that’s when I become needy. He recently denied me for a week and I went feral. I would have done any disgusting, humiliating thing for an orgasm.

He knows this, which is why I have to earn my orgasms now. There are often conditions. For example, I must be wearing nipple clamps, or I must cum in 5 minutes, or I must be fully naked. Often I have to be collared. Unless he is feeling generous, there's no such thing as a quick and easy orgasm.

Those orgasms that I earn, though? They feel the best. They are the strongest, the most toe-curling. They are the most satisfying.

Well, the wax was brutal. I hated every second of it, and I’ll probably do it again.

As a little treat for what I endured, I’ve been granted a freebie orgasm tonight. Freebies are orgasms I don’t have to ask permission for. We've been taking orgasm control/denial more seriously now, so being allowed to masturbate to completion without asking first really does feel special.

BB also paid for the wax plus a little extra so I could treat myself to a Starbucks Christmas drink afterward. He found a way to take care of me, even though the thing I needed a reward for was something I voluntarily decided to do for myself.

In the future, I'm looking forward to grooming myself in a way he prefers, even if it means enduring regular Brazilians. I'm looking forward to being inspected, and knowing that a part of my body is maintained in a way that he likes.