Warrior Sol

I needed someone to restore my faith in the opposite sex, someone to not let me down, someone who would not break my trust.

I feel rejection whenever someone doesn't text me back "soon enough" or tells me no.  If they cancel plans, or somehow don't live up to my expectations, I take it as rejection.  And by rejection, I don't mean normal rejection.  I mean, REJECTION.  It's a strong, overwhelming feeling that I dwell on and it gets worse before it gets better. 

  I feel extreme feelings of doubt, insecurity, hurt, anger, confusion.  I cry...for a long time, until I have to let it out.  I have to do something to  I get mad and irritated to the point that I can be cruel and say the cruelest things to someone.  I can hurt them and feel justified in doing so (although I don't intentionally hurt them, it's more like I'm trying to explain to them why they hurt me and in doing so, I say some mean shit).  I then later regret what I said because everything I said and did comes out without a filter, in the heat of the moment and I end up feeling crazy afterwards.  I end up feeling bad.  I end up feeling disappointed in myself because, reflecting on how I acted, I realize that I was not rational.  I was overly emotional.  I end up being aware of how I acted wrongly.  (This wasn't always true.  In the past, I wasn't aware of or admitted that I was wrong...it took therapy and years of working on myself to get to this point).  I feel depressed.  I feel anxiety.  I feel deep regret to the point of wanting to kill myself.  I think of reasons why I should take pills and end it all. I lose hope.  I have taken pills before.  I have attempted suicide before.  I now practice self-awareness to prevent, as much as possible, from getting to this point.  I then end up feeling a calm feeling.  Somewhat soothing.  Then hopeful again and I may even laugh at the situation.  I may laugh at my "craziness."  I may take Xanax so that I can sleep if the anxiety and crazy state lasts a long time.   This is fucked up. This is my life. 

But, I'm a fighter, a warrior...I won't give up.  I will get better.  Right now, I'm very vulnerable and feel rejected by someone I thought I was in love with.  So right now, I'm taking it easy.  Focusing on being calm and soothing myself.