SIGNS THAT YOUR MOTHER IS A NARCISSIST
• She wants to control you.
Trying to assert yourself results in anger, rejection and hostility. She doesn’t appreciate your attempts to individuate as it means you are going to be less available to serve her needs. Does she get angry when you disagree or don’t want to do what she wants you to do? Does she try to make you feel guilty for having separate interests, hobbies, desires and opinions?
• Her love is conditional.
A mother who is narcissistic is interested in how you (and your achievements) reflect on her. She wants you to succeed, but only so that she looks good. She may even become jealous if she feels you are doing too well. Daughters of narcissistic mothers will often be perfectionistic in a misguided attempt to win their mother’s love.
• She can’t or won’t validate your feelings.
There is very little room in her emotional consciousness for your feelings. If they do something that upsets you, narcissists generally won’t be prepared to acknowledge their mistake or soothe your upset. They are too focused on trying to manage the shame elicited by your implied criticism. She may sometimes be there if you need support, but most often she will turn it around so that it becomes about her. For example: “That reminds me of the time...” “You think you have problems, I remember when...” “I can’t listen to you when you’re like this, it upsets me...” “I do/have done everything for you, why can’t you appreciate it, you ungrateful...”
• She belittles you.
A narcissistic mother will be full of praise in one moment, hypercritical and judgmental the next. They can make your head spin! A narcissistic mother knows where it hurts. She will often use sarcasm or belittling language to humiliate you, perhaps in front of others. She may fob off your concern with excuses such as “can’t you take a joke?”
• She tries to manipulate you.
The manipulation can be quite subtle, causing you to question your doubts and fears. She may call you “selfish” because you don’t want to be her maid or chauffeur 24/7. Being afraid to say no to her because you fear her disapproval or anger is definitely not a good sign.
• She’s unpredictable.
Narcissists often wax and wane in terms of their attention and availability. She may shower you with affection and attention (love-bombing) when she wants something from you and ignore you when she is going OK. Her ability to care about you is dependent on her own needs rather than any genuine commitment to you as a separate and autonomous being.
• She can’t see your point of view.
In general, narcissistic mothers will be unwilling to understand or even acknowledge your point of view. She may ignore, belittle or undermine you, often using manipulation or guilt-tripping to get her way.
• She’s emotionally volatile
Narcissists are often emotionally unstable, swinging between cold rage and collapsed fragility depending on environmental cues. Mothers with these characteristics have very low self-esteem underneath their bluster and will become teary or desperate if they meet ongoing resistance.
In our early life, we need to think of our parents as perfect. As we mature, we can slowly encompass a more realistic picture. Parents who are narcissistic, will inevitably traumatise their children. They neglect and emotionally abuse them and use them to serve their own needs. These experiences are usually far too challenging for young minds to incorporate.
So you split off parts of your attachment experiences. These traumatic experiences are not remembered directly and most survivors of narcissistic parenting will only recall them in the safety of a supportive therapeutic relationship, if at all.
You may have few memories of the bad things that happened or of the emotional abuse you suffered at the hands of your mother. As an adult we sometimes hold onto our precious fantasy of the perfect mother, because that is much easier than seeing the painful reality.
But as you mature and reflect on your lives and relationships, you find chinks in the armour, flaws in the perfection. Your mother isn’t the lofty being she appears to be.
A narcissistic mother is flamboyant, powerful yet somehow fragile. She is so self-absorbed she has no time for her children, except where she can bask in their reflected glory, or when they can serve her needs. A narcissistic mother is a dangerous damaging parent who impacts and distorts a child’s growing sense of self.
- Reclaim Your Authentic Self by Dr. Amanda Robbins
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