I've officially been on this hellsite for 13 years as of today.
I've been several different people in that time. Lived several different types of lives. Learned, loved, and been left behind. Lost dreams, formed new ones, and lost those, too.
When I joined this site I was an anxious, depressed teen, starving myself in hopes if I got skinny enough I would be worthy of the things everyone told me I was unworthy of because of my looks, in hopes it would make my chronic pain go away since doctors kept on telling me to just lose weight. I cosplayed to be someone else. I roleplayed to pretend to be people who were beautiful and loved. I did and said a lot of things I regret in hopes of a simple shred of attention, even if it was negative. Yet in real life I distinctly also didn't take proper care of myself, didn't bathe often enough, didn't brush my hair, didn't dress well, and distrusted positive attention as if it was always some kind of trick.
Since then, I got the chronic pain diagnosed, started eating again, formed actual friendships, enjoyed actual romances, and learned to grieve when things end in a healthy way instead of spiraling into hatred of everything every time. I still made mistakes and the consequences still hurt, but I've pointed myself in a better direction and I keep trying to go that way even when I fail or encounter obstacles. I've been abused. I've been loved. I've been neglected in the cold. I got therapy. I tried college. I learned to drive, and got quite good at it. My drawing skills improved. My self confidence increased. I started singing again after years of believing nobody wanted to hear my awful voice.
I bathe, I dress well, I brush my hair. I help others whenever I can. I learned to be less hateful and angry. I learned to be less distrusting and judgmental. I have a space I can call mine. I've kept a steady job for several years at this point.
I found a love that actually loves me and doesn't hold every single thing against me, like previous failed relationships that would be upset that I *checks notes* wanted to be paid attention to, a love whose affection I happily return in every way I can, and I married her about it.
It's truly been a lot, and honestly I often find myself exhausted and confused because I never expected to get to this point. I never expected to ever be able to say I did anything for 10+ years. I never expected to be as old as I currently am. I never anticipated having a job I like, or a wife I love, and I question daily whether it's real, and whether I deserve it. But I'm here. I'm still here. And I'm a different, better person, than the teenager who thought I wouldn't be here. I don't think she'd like me, honestly. But I'm learning to like me. And that's enough.
