remnants of gold

find me on ao3! @/vyntage_wine feel free to interact with me on either platform <3

always open to new fandoms/discussions (as long as it’s friendly and respectful)

hate/antis dni. if you don’t like what you see, mute or block ty

currently plagued by:

tears of themis (25/8, 365 always.)

tian guan ci fu (heaven official’s blessing)

honkai star rail

genshin impact (relatively updated on lore)

honkai impact 3rd (retired but around)

hibernating interests/fixations:

haikyuu (will eat up any given/new content immediately)

demon slayer

mo dao zu shi (grandmaster of demonic cultivation)

surface level knowledge (yet to be plunged in):

love and deepspace (mainly a caleb enjoyer but i do like the snippets of lore from other LI’s)

푸릇 쌉싼름해 (it’s green and bitter) i don’t want to taste

뭐 그리 달콤하진 않을 것 같아 (i don’t think it’ll be that sweet)

설익은 감정들이 (half-ripe emotions) i just feel afraid

i’ll never bite, i’ll never bite the pain.

(lyrics: sour grapes by le sserafim)

•

feng xin’s aversion to women had always been a joke between the three of them, something to poke fun and jest about. but for mu qing, it stirred a small spark of hope—that perhaps it wasn’t due to fear for the fairer sex, instead because of a preference for the other. so when he discovers feng xin’s meetings with jian lan, it makes it all the more devastating to see him laughing and smiling. and mu qing can see it in the way his eyes crinkle and cheeks flush that it wasn’t just out of mere courtesy or sympathy shared between fellow xianle survivors, feng xin genuinely enjoyed her company.

it hurts.

mu qing thinks himself to be a fool for naively hoping otherwise, betrayal twisting in his guts despite knowing that there was no lie told, no sacred bond broken. it was his own imagination that had conjured a false illusion made from mu qing’s deep insecurities and want for affection. his desperate need for it.

there’s a sick twisting in his stomach that tightens every time her hand brushes away feng xin’s hair, fingers grazing his temple—enough to leave lingering intent like a kiss yet just faint enough to dissipate like a dream, it is a delicate dance deliberately designed to appear as a mere accident. mu qing knows that it’s not. because how dare she touch him so casually like that? as though she were the closest person in his life, like they were promised lovers since their youth. there’s tension building in the veins of mu qing’s arms, frustration bleeding from nails digging into his palms, anger biting down on his lip. but he is too prideful to ever admit to anything, yet all the more afraid to see what is right in front of him.

mu qing is a skilled warrior, his nerves steeled and mind ever quick when it comes to fighting. but here and now, his instincts tell him to run and flee, a hammering so loud it reminds him of war drums.

run, run, run.

because what can he do but run away from reality even though he knows it makes him a coward. how ironic that he has always chastised xie lian for being naive and yet he is now doing the very same thing.

perhaps it is not love itself that is blind but rather our own hands that choose to cover our eyes from the truth so that we may continue to love despite any and all rational reason. because what is living without love? i would sooner cut my eyes out to follow and love you blindly than face a reality that would turn my love into hate.

so he runs, he keeps running. away from feng xin, away from everything that he is not, in vain hopes of running away from his own feelings.

still, mu qing can’t help but wonder,

would he love me if i was a girl?

yet as soon as the thought crosses his mind, he immediately dismisses it,

no, even if i were the prettiest woman, he still wouldn’t notice me.

it doesn’t matter because he is feng xin, the loyal and upright general of xianle’s crown prince, and mu qing is a stray who was (un)lucky enough to be noticed. the only reason feng xin even tolerates or acknowledges him is because of xie lian. why would he ever care about mu qing outside of niceties and formalities? he’s never realized mu qing tailing him for years, why would he realize now?

it’s funny how the human mind can be so perceiving and altogether deceiving at the same time. it sees all that it believes to be true, yet dismisses any possibilities it deems unlikely. how fickle the human mind is,

if only mu qing had noticed, the way feng xin’s gaze lingers in every corner, trying to trace the outlines of a shadow.

mu qing is a skilled warrior indeed, but he forgets that feng xin has spent the better half of his life next to him. how could he not recognize the faint smell of fresh linen and rain that seemed to follow him around everywhere? it is unfortunate that familiarity blurs lines that neither have come to the realization that the lines have been crossed a long, long time ago.

these feelings that have yet to ripen,

and when he fell, so did they. how soul crushing it must be to see the one person you adore and love slowly drown in demise. remember, that they were the ones who had to watch xie lian lose his sanity as his kingdom and people suffered. the absolute devastation, watching this cherished person unable to stop the impending calamity, all the while being suffocated in your own feelings of inferiority and helplessness—because he was supposed to be everything, the epitome of perfection. and you were nothing but a mere servant.

feng xin who tried his best to lift xie lian’s feelings and mu qing who was willing to enact revenge on his behalf. and oh, xie lian, poor sweet child. knowing that he could not tell them of the truth, because he would not have them dirty their hands to protect him, did not want them to carry that guilt nor inflict pain upon others.

what a lamentable fate they shared. a prince so brilliant his light was the envy of the same god who favoured him. dreaming to save the common people yet their only wish was for him to find happiness.

xie lian was doomed to fall. misunderstandings and unspoken words painted mu qing as a traitor, and feng xin was cast away by the one person he dedicated his entire life to.

and thus it began. mu qing who would continue to carry his guilt and shame, feng xin who had lost his purpose and direction. yet they would both tread on the same path of cultivation, never wanting to feel the dread of helplessness when their loved one was trapped in the twisted game of fate.

mu qing, who yearned for his god’s affection. feng xin, wandering wind who had lost his god’s faith.

they would meet again, many years later. red strings of fate crossing but never quite intertwining.

he is here once more, seemingly their equal, yet in their hearts he remains, the one and only god. amongst them, for them.

disclaimer: this is not a hate post, i do like and enjoy pei ming’s character but this is meant to explore various aspects of it, including his character flaws

pei ming’s character is so interesting imo bc there’s so much room to develop and explore around it, primarily his attitude towards women, the heavenly court (which is quite patriarchal and high context/many social norms)

with regards to his viewpoint on women/fem presenting charas, it can be said on a surface level that he loves (literally) and respects them. however, when you take apart and dissect his interactions/statements/etc, this is not the case. although every woman he has a relationship/fling with is given much wealth and fortune, this doesn’t necessarily translate into love or respect. in fact, it can be argued that rather than seeing women as people, pei ming views them as objects, this is not based on intentional ill will but more so of pei ming being a product of his times.

this can be derived from his many statements and discontented opinions towards ban yue and xuan ji, two prominent female characters who do not conform to the traditional female archetype (meek, gentle, feminine, etc). notably, he even berates pei xiu for giving up his divine status for a girl, going as far as to try to kidnap ban yue from xie lian in order to restore pei xiu’s status, without a care for ban yue’s own fate. this dynamic eventually changes over time but this initial interaction once again shows how pei ming views women as an object/tool rather than as a human being. again, not completely his fault but is definitely representative of how women were seen as lesser than or lower than compared to men.

now, getting into his interactions with huang yushi (rain master). with their complicated history of pei ming being the one who ended her dynasty, i would like to point out pei ming’s visible shock to her sacrifice. through the narration, it is clear that he did not/does not expect a woman to step up and display such courage to his threat (although it was done to put fear into the royal family), much less a woman who he had caught from falling prior to the war. due to this incident, pei ming has had troubled feelings whenever yushi is mentioned or involved. this is likely due to shame or embarrassment, perhaps even guilt as he did not intend for her to die from his threat as he was most probably expecting the king or one of her brothers to step up to his challenge. these feelings are further intensified when she saves him multiple times over the span of the story, even offering him her own sword (which she used to take her life) to aid him in battle. yet, pei ming continues to refuse or acknowledge her helping hand, part of it due to a guilty conscience while the other is due to his own internalized misogynistic and sexist beliefs that a man should be the one saving a woman, and not the other way around, as remarked by hua cheng as well.

i think his relationship with yushi is one of the more interesting dynamics within tgcf as there is definitely room to grow and develop, especially since he has shown to be capable of change through his relationship with ban yue, wherein his own character develops and changes, thereby improving their relationship, but dismantling internalized misogyny and sexism takes a very long time. if there were ever a possibility of a romantic relationship between him and yushi, i personally believe that it would happen in a very distant future, due to his internal conflicted feelings around women (especially yushi).

notable mention (short cause i haven’t marinated this particular thought/ramble as much as the rest):

pei ming and ling wen are very close friends, the two often shown to help one another even after ling wen’s whole incident and exposé. i do think it’s quite interesting that ling wen is one of the few female characters pei ming shows respect and genuine care for, especially when you consider that she chooses to present herself in a male form for most things as it “makes things easier” in her own words. some food for thought there yk. it begs the question of whether or not pei ming even views her as a woman in the first place, similar to the energy of “one of the guys”, a phrase used often in modern society to refer to a woman who is “chill and cool” but in reality it’s because they don’t see her as a girl and usually freak out when said girl calls them out on their problematic behaviours (ehem).

that’s it for the post. i might be cancelled who knows but i do rlly like pei ming as a character and would love to see his arc further developed.