“I don’t know how to speak to straight women. But- [audience laughs] I do have something to tell you guys! You guys have been accepting too little for too long. You set the bar in your relationships too low.
How would I know that. Why would I know that. The girl I’m dating now, until now, has exclusively dated men. …..It is so easy to impress her! Oh my god, guys!
It’s ridiculous! I just show her basic human decency and she looses her mind! Straight guys, I don’t know what you have been doing until now but it has been clearly not enough. It is not enough, you guys.
I make this girl dinner, it blows her mind, I give her flowers, she talks about it for months, I ask her how her day went, she orgasms on the spot, it’s insane you guys. It’s crazy.
Straight guys, it’s not that hard to impress straight women, it’s really not. Show minimal- minimal, minimal minimal, minimal interest in the things your lady is passionate about. Every once in a while, hit her with one of these- ‘Oh, tell me more!’ [imitates loud waterfall noises] The floodgates are open! It’s happening for you!
Because it is a dire situation for you guys out there right now. I don’t know if you realize that. And by the way, I’m not talking to all of you, I’m not talking to all of the men right now, I’m just talking to those of you that are feeling particularly defensive. If- [pauses for laughter from crowd] If you’re sitting there and you have a little spirit in your heart like [mocking gremlin voice] ‘Nnno! No! Nuh-uh!’then I’m probably talking to you.
Cause it’s a dire situation out there! You guys, straight women are considering going gay. That’s happening. [woman in audience cheers] That’s happening! Some of these women are just one unsolicited dick pic away from just- [makes swiping noise] just changing their setting to women. Like, ‘No. Forget it.’
They’re thinking about going gay, they think it’s easier somehow? I don’t know exactly what they’re thinking but they think that being gay is easier. They’re kinda like ‘Oh I could double my wardrobe. I already like oysters, whatever.’ But [pauses for laughter] But it’s not, it’s not easier! It’s not easier at all. Being a lesbian is a committed choice. You have to want to be on this side of the equation, it is not easier at all.
I don’t really have time to get into it, but there’s so much going on here, that you don’t want a piece of, straight ladies. So much. There’s double periods, there’s so much talking, the amount of hummus that you have to eat just to retain your lesbian credentials, is way, way too much hummus.
I don’t know why lesbians love hummus so much, I feel like a lesbian just got confused at some point and was just like [pantomiming reading a label] ‘Oh! Chick-peas!’ And you’re like yeah but it’s not.. actual… [pauses for hysterical laughter]
But straight guys, I have some ideas for you. Just some ideas for you, just a couple of hot tips that I think could help you guys get together, pretty easy stuff. Guys, as much as you’re going down on your lady right now, double it, triple it, you’re welcome. That’s all you need to know. That’s all you need to know!
[applause and cheering] Hear those claps? And if you have time right now to open your mouth to ask questions about that, or open your mouth to protest that, you need to get your mouth on some vagim-jam, alright? Get that party started. [pauses for laughter; chuckles] I honestly didn’t think that one would go over so well. [more laughter] Thank you.
Cause guys, I’m telling you, these straight women, they want. your dicks. They absolutely want. your dicks. They are just so tired of everything else attached to it, guys. SO STEP IT UP! Step it up! Do what you gotta do! Alright? Text a girl back once in a while, make direct eye contact, express a genuine emotion, Do whatever you gotta do guys, take care of your ladies. Okay? I don’t have time for all of them.
I’m DeAnne Smith, thank you very much!”
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