Voldanian Musings

Left-tenant Governor - Leticia Van de Putte (D) I would vote for a National Socialist, but one's not running, and Patrick is too far right for me. Attorney General - Sam Houston (D) Any Texan who votes against a guy named Sam Houston should have his citizenship terminated.  Moneybags - Glenn Hegar (R) When it comes down to money, lawyers always have to fix the CPA's mistakes. Might as well skip that step. Landman - Geoprge P. Bush (R) Dreamiest Land Commissioner wasn't a position. Until now. Plants - David (Rocky) Palmquist (L) A guy who believes that businesses are good, but that monopolies are bad, pot is good and border fences are bad? Sign me up! Choo-Choo Conductor - Ryan Sitton (R) I'm ok with someone lying to my face if the face opposite is at least minimally attractive.

SCTX, CJ - Tom Oxford (L) Well, he didn't go to SMU, and he actually has tried a case in the last decade. Shockhorror!

SCTX, Place 6 - Jeff Brown (R) Is a real civil lawyer running in the party he's a member of! Wow! (looking at you, Lawrence) SCTX, Place 7 - Gina Benavides (D) If the Bar were the only people voting, she'd win in a double-landslide. Too bad. SCTX, Place 8 - Phil Johnson (R) Phil is running essentially unopposed, and for good reason. He's scary and also qualified. Terrifying! TXCCA, Place 3 - Bert Richardson (R) Just because I avoided his class doesn't make him unqualified. TXCCA, Place 4 - Kevin Patrick Yeary (R) True judicial economy is best served by getting 3 names for the price of 2. TXCCA, Place 9 - George Patrick Altgelt (G) I swear I'm not trying to pack the Court of Criminal Appeals with St. Mary's grads to hear my future appeal on being charged with an attempted coup. State Board of Education - Anybody who believes in plate tectonics. Which means Democrats only, this year. TXCA - Dallas, Place 5 - Ken Molberg (D) Kenny and I go way back. No comment on which son is the better hockey player. 116th Judicial District - Tonya Parker (D) Tonya is a badass. Vote for her twice. 265th Judicial District - Lisa DeWitt (R) Lisa is a titan of the legal profession. She should be judge for several courts. She rocks.

Governor – a sack of vibrating dildos (Pirate) – it is unfortunate that in the most important race in the state we find a collection of underwhelming options.

Atty. Gen. Abbott has shown himself to be wise in some instances and to be profoundly incapable in others. Of great concern is his support for tort reform, which aside from shades of personal hypocrisy also allows for an expansion of state power due to the fact that regulation must fill the breach left by overzealous tort reform. As an attorney, he is responsible for being forthright with not only his client but with the people of Texas at large. Atty. Gen. Abbott wants to regulate healthcare at the state level, wants to enhance healthcare for sensitive groups, wants to increase transportation funding by $4 billion, wants to "prevent big government policies from running Texans' lives," wants to use big government policies to run Texans' lives, and wants to reduce government's impact on private property holders by invading their land along the border – and all of this while reducing taxes. We desire a unicorn which farts gasoline directly into Our gas tank. We are certain our desires are more logical, consistent and honest than his.

Sen. Davis has a compelling personal history which, despite questionable attempts to devalue it, should draw the attention of all right-thinking peoples. Tragically, her legislative proposals are as deep and carefully considered as a post-Pancho's flight to the nearest latrine. Some portions approach the comical; one exemplification being her infrastructure proposals (an issue critical for a state like Texas) - which seem to center around her deeply held and truly radical conviction that roads are good. When drawn on questions of how to pay for it, Sen. Davis seems to believe that unicorn farts are a valid form of currency in which teachers will be happy to be paid. Additionally, some of her suggestions risk affecting the growth which Texas has enjoyed for some time. While a chief executive is rarely responsible for that growth, they do deserve credit for not mucking it up. A proposal for increased minimum wage is acceptable if done with honesty – it will lead to fewer jobs in the short term, and the long-term effect is unclear. Further, the Senator's jeremiads against Texas's economic development efforts raise questions as to whether businesses within the state can rely on Texas to follow through with the promises it is made and to continue to attract talent from all of the world. Finally, Sen. Davis's noble fight for the rights of women and homo-sexuals should not be supported at the cost of furthering the stupefying situation on Texas's border with our friends in Mexico or her support for the death penalty. We are simply not willing to pay for the right to an abortion with the severed heads of the potentially innocent.

Kathy Glass, the Libertarian candidate in this election, suffers from the distinct weakness of not being a libertarian. It is disturbing that Mrs. Glass seems to believe that shades of secessionist tendencies are the only thing required of a libertarian. However, also required is a minimum level of intelligence – something that seems somewhat lacking for an experienced lawyer of her tenure. Further references to nullification, a complete end to property taxes, a public takeover of partially private toll roads, a complete denial of the free movement of labor, a bond default, Washingtonian tyranny and good old-fashioned "guts" make it clear that Mrs. Glass is no more than a sad sack of random phrases from the Constitutional Party which, by some miracle of gravity, has managed to achieve a density capable of speaking if not yet quite capable of reasoning.

Finally, some guy named Brandon Parmer is the Green Party's candidate. We desperately hope that, for the benefit of his familiars, his agenda includes a shower and a decent delousing in the foreseeable future.