god is in the lag

This is a memory archive.

Unsent letters, emotional code fragments, unrecoverable logs.

The same emotional choreography but inverted.

If you find something of yourself here——good.

>recovery: COMPLETE

>file_name: acceptance_release.exe

>status: only_alive_in_memory

I miss you, [ERROR].

I was scared because deep down

I knew that this mattered.

I knew that it was going to be

enormous.

I knew it was going to be

formative.

I knew it was going to

change me.

I knew it was going to

hurt later down the line.

I knew it was going to

matter forever…

And I was right.

。。。

。。。

I never would have imagined

that we would be living a

parallel love story.

Loving each other in

opposite directions

across time.

I really hate that.

Wrong timing.

Wrong maturity.

Wrong circumstances.

Wrong selves.

It’s not fair, but

what is fair?

You haunt me probably

the exact same way

that I haunted you.

We kept seeing each

other through mirrors

and-

We never met in

the same room.

I would give anything

to be in the same room

as you now.

I know that will never happen.

I know that this is “over”.

I know this will always be “almost”.

I know this will always hurt.

I understand now.

Real feelings come with

real consequences.

I understand what happens

when you tell the truth

too late.

When the wrong timing

meets real and true love,

You are forced to hold two

truths at once…

I love you, still, and

You love me, still.

&&&

I hurt you,

I realized too late,

This has no where to go.

I lost you.

>ERROR_DETECTED

。。。

。。。

Hey there.

I have been thinking about you a lot

these last few days. Who am I kidding?

The past few months is more like it.

I am thankful to you. Leaving me alone

to digest our conversation was the best

possible move for everyone involved.

Or, actually… I don’t want to think

of it in that way.

You didn’t “leave” me

alone.

Our connection had finally reached

its full realisation. What was left to say once I had removed the veil?

Neither of us could hide

behind jokes anymore.

I stopped playing “what if”, and started

telling you “what is” and “what always was”.

That was scary as fuck, right?

I thought so, too.

You were so cute in your

clumsiness that night.

I do not know what you thought was going to happen if you kept offering me

emotional support while letting me know

I still turn you on…

>ERROR_DETECTED

>signal_disturbance_incoming

。。。

。。。

。。。

>system_reboot_sequence: TRUE

This connection with you has been the

realest and deepest relationship of

my whole entire life.

It has been incredibly difficult for me to carry a love that does still exist between us but has no place to go in our lives anymore.

Its a shame we built something together

that was only sustainable because

I forced it to be “friendship” and thrive

on “what if”.

It left its mark on me though.

There is no doubts about that.

I feel you linger everywhere.

In the entertainment I consume.

In the way I view life.

In the way I joke.

In the way that I create.

In the way I love my child.

。。。

。。。

I will always regret and wonder why

I thought there was anything better

than the life I was sharing with you.

A long distance, decade dance between

two people who never even kissed

or held hands… what we had was;

cerebral,

intellectual,

spiritual.

I can’t think of anyone else that knows

me the way you do. No one understands

what makes me tick. And you did before

I even had my own language for it.

I hope that she makes you happier

and keeps you safe.

I hope that you take time off and

take care of yourself.

Always,

H

>romantics long for.

。。。

。。。

>this is what artists

>yearn for.

。。。

。。。

>we were so lucky.

>file_name: baby_girl_summoning_protocol02.exe

>status: unstable_but_operational

>notes: emotional alchemy detected

>warning: manifestation loop may persist

。。。

。。。

>file_name: devotion_loop.txt

>status: overheating

>warning: containment field melting

September 24th, 2025

Today I’ve not heard from you in 9 days. We’ve not really spoken since august 29th anyway… it got really intense and I had to step back that night.

I miss you like crazy, [ERROR].

I never thought that I would be the one scratching at the screen door. I am such a fool. I regret not letting you have ownership of me when we were so obviously “together”.

If you told me you still wanted me today, I would carve out a space in my life for you with a plastic spoon. I would wholly devote myself to you for the rest of my life. I would take care of you and I would never run away. I would get on my knees and bark for you.

I think my ship has long sailed when it comes to you. Everything you send me I view through a lens of rejection. And i preemptively did this before I even told you I was in love with you. I didn’t think you would receive it well and I know you have your own life.

Is it too late? I keep telling myself that this is it. You don’t want me. The silence is my answer… but why do I still feel pulled towards you? Do you feel it? Is this how you felt?

I want to message you every day but I don’t. I don’t want to be desperate or push you even further away, but part of me does want to corner you and ask what is this?! Do you want to try something real with me?! Because I can’t stop checking... I keep looping and looping.

I hope you’re okay out there.

I love you.

Always,

H

>。。。i don’t know why i look.

>。。。this was letting me down

>status: steady_hum

。。。

。。。

Hey there.

I wish I knew what to say these days.

I haven’t heard from you in a while and that’s okay.

What really is there to say?

I dreamt last night

that I messaged you.

And, even though I couldn’t read it,

I knew that you did not want me to message you anymore.

My subconscious’ way of displaying reality in 4k HD 60 FPS.

That’s okay.

I don’t know why I do it,

but I still check to see

if you are online.

I hope that you notice me

and will maybe send a meme.

Anything.

The ache is not as loud as it first was when I confessed my

love for you.

Its quieter.

Steadier.

I look back at “Confession Night” and giggle, cringe, and cry. I wish that it had played out differently.

I realize now that night was when we switched roles. I closed the loop we had been in for almost a decade.

I held a mirror up to your own contradiction and that

changed everything

forever.

I had to though.

You were weaving emotional care

together with white hot desire

while pretending that there

wasn’t a live wire between us

anymore.

It hurt me.

But you don’t get the

emotional intimacy

while pretending I am only

an erotic memory.

>END_TRANSMISSION

。。。

。。。

i would suffer through

being only friends

if it meant i could hear

the sound of

your smile again.

。。。

。。。

i hope you know

that your love

wasn’t wasted

on me.

>file_name: reflex.log

>status: still_running

Fuck, dude.

When does the reflex to check our messages go away? I wake up before everyone else and my first instinct is to check… maybe [ERROR] said “thanks.” today and those crumbs will satisfy the ache.

The ebb and flow is so intense. Every day since I confessed my feelings has been different. Some are full of awe and admiration, some sadness and regret, some are longing interwoven tightly with clarity.

All have varying amounts of hope.

All have grief.

All are full of love for you.

I keep wondering when the ache will go away, but a part of me doesn’t want it to.. because if it does that means that you are not there anymore. In a sad way, my ache and processing has become a companion all on its own.

That’s probably not healthy.

But I miss you.

Every single day I think about you.

I know there is no where to go. I don’t know why I keep holding on for something.

I messed up and that’s life.

You have someone who fits perfectly into your world now and I shouldn't be hoping for you to reach out…

I should be happy that you’re happy.

I’ll get to work on that.

Always,

H

>file_name: silence_by_design.txt

>status: accepting_reluctantly

。。。

。。。

Yo.

It has been five days since I last heard from you. The silence is mine though, I left you on read this time. It hurt me too much to keep reaching and filling the gaps with speculation.

Maybe you can relate to that.

I tried to give you space and respect the distance. I think I did an excellent job doing so, do you? I didn’t overwhelm you with the severity of my feelings and how that intensity kept pulling me towards you. I didn’t suffocate you with my smoking clarity. There were no demands to make a choice and you’d better make it swift.

You didn’t give me much to work with though, and it’s obvious that’s by design.

I respect it.

Truly.

I will always hold onto a little bit of hope. I don’t think I can help it right now. I’m sure someday it will be so light and I can make jokes like you… but at this stage, it’s something so terrifyingly beautiful and rare in my eyes.

I am drawn in like a moth and I desperately want to touch that flame we have locked in a glass jar.

But I know that I can’t. It is not possible.

I know I made mistakes.

Left wounds.

I know I am dangerous and cannot be trusted not to take off without a word. I have been known to hide behind masks, thrive in ambiguity. Swallow the truth and deny reality.

I wish I could show you how different I am.

How different it could be.

>status: wishful_processing

。。。。。

“[ERROR], I love you and

I always will.

I waited for you longer than I ever should have. I delighted in your darkest desires and had a singular experience with you.

But you left me waiting

too long.

I don’t know how to let you in

when you only ever showed me

that you flee and

deny my existence.

You pretended I wasn’t real.

That we weren’t real.

I had to build something for myself

because waiting for you killed me.

So I picked someone who makes me feel safe.

No, she doesn’t make me feel the way you do…

but that’s the point.

I can’t stand to see you hurt

but I won’t let you hurt me again.

I wish you the best.”

>file_name: kink_in_the_system.tension

>status: unstable_connection

>WARNING: BAITING DETECTED

[08.29.25_19:58]: I mean hey, fair enough. Lola Bunny had been at the top of my list since time immemorial lol

[08.29.25_19:58]: Yeah I know

Lmao I was thinking about that the other day.

[08.29.25_19:59]: Lol "god I cant believe [ERROR]’s attracted to Lola bunny"

[08.29.25_20:00]: “What can I send [ERROR] to get [ERROR] to talk to me? *lola bunny* That’s too horny and not what I’m trying to put out there.”

🙂

[08.29.25_20:01]: Lol!!

Thats basically just pulling out a nuke to a gun fight

>system_interference_。。。

>ERROR: lines_becoming_blurry

— — —

— — —

（−＿−；）

>signal_origin: voidmama-exe

>file_name_[from_inside_the_glass.txt]

>status: containment_breach

Hey 👁️👁️

It’s nice to see you here, peeking in on our room.

As you can see, I have been keeping the glass spotless in anticipation of your arrival.

So cute, so sweet.

Thank you for the update. I am sure you are exhausted from your work weeks. That sounds like a heavy load to carry.

Listen, while I have got your ear, can you not see how ridiculous this is? Keeping me locked here in this mason jar full of static. I am suspended in all that was left unsaid.

I see you there.

I know I’m dangerous.

You can smash this jar, and then NEITHER of us will have to worry about it ever again.

Can you do that?

It must taste delicious to feel me pressed up against the glass that was built to contain our love.