>signal_origin: voidmama-exe

>status: interference_ongoing

Some moments are difficult because the grief will turn the volume all the way back up.

It amplifies the longing so loudly that I can’t even see straight.

Before I know it I am wandering back towards that corridor.

I can feel the humming coming from the door in between us.

Filling my mind with glitches and commands that I can barely make out through the static.

It’s so electric and the gravitational pull is insurmountable.

It doesn’t just call for me,

it yanks at the collar around my neck,

it consumes me.

I hear the voices coming through but can never make out what they’re saying.

I see the lights on as the shadows flicker under the door frame.

There is so much warmth and comfort coming from inside…

I won’t knock.

I have my dignity like you have yours.

Yet, here I am.

Bound by devotion.

Kneeling at your door.

Tallying the days as the silence grows wider.

>file_name: realization.tmp

>status: volatile

I spent all day untangling my feelings for you.

They’re here.

They’re real.

Fuck, and they are NOT going anywhere…

Not into your ears and not anywhere that isn’t the forefront of my mind.

If this is how you felt, I am beyond sorry.

For years?

You’re so strong and you’ve always been so stable.

How did you do it?

I’m strong in the way that I’ll carry so much weight that doesn’t belong to me and let it crush me.

I’m four days into my realization and I think I’m losing my mind.

Seriously though… how are you so well adjusted?

It’s so impressive and appealing.

I’m ashamed at how far I buried all these thoughts and feelings.

I am in awe of you.

I am missing you.

I want to reach out so badly but wtf! I have to be strong and stable like you.

You’re right, love is like gambling and sometimes you get punched in the face…

and I think it’s only right that I got molly whopped.

The roles being reversed?

I could have fun with that. 💚

>file_name: confession.prebuild

>status: stable

Dated earlier — posted later.

---

I’m writing this to honor a truth I’ve carried for years,

not to disrupt your life,

but to give voice to what I’ve felt all along.

---

I have loved you and been in love with you since 2018.

Throughout the years, I didn’t know how to accept the kind of love you offered.

It was too steady, too patient, too devoted.

I mistook *safe* for *boring* and *too much* because I’d been conditioned to think love had to be chaos —

push-and-pull, the sharp edge of suffering.

I believed I wasn’t worthy of love without conditions.

You were none of that.

And instead of letting myself be held by you,

I ran. I pushed. I pulled away, again and again.

---

You were the one who saw me in my power when I didn’t even know it existed.

You lifted me up, encouraged me, carried weight I didn’t know how to hold.

You made me laugh, blush, and feel like I was *more* than I knew.

And every time I drifted, you still found a way to keep a tether —

to me, to us.

You were always so quick to say,

> “Yeah, duh. My devotion is unwavering. 💜”

---

I didn’t honor you the way I should have.

You weren’t asking me to save you or fix you or let you drain me —

you were offering to *walk beside me.*

To sit with me through movies.

To be steady while I stumbled.

I’m sorry I was too scared, too self-destructive,

too stuck in old patterns to meet you where you were.

Because what we had was real and tender,

and it’s still paramount to me.

---

Even small gestures, like the house we kept in Final Fantasy,

remind me of the care and patience you’ve always carried —

and I will carry that too, in my own life.

---

What I know now is simple:

**The love I always wanted was already here, in you.**

And even if I never get the chance to show it,

I will carry that truth with me forever.

It’s some cosmic joke that I’d finally admit this to myself almost eight years later…

---

If you’re happy now, I hope it lasts and overflows your cup endlessly.

I share this as reflection — not disruption —

and I’m committed to honoring whatever boundaries exist between us.

If life ever allows our paths to cross again,

I promise I can show up differently:

open, steady, and present in the way I’ve only just learned to be.

Until then… or if you ever decide to knock on my door…

it’s my turn to be patient.

To respect the distance.

To show that I am capable of unwavering devotion, too.

---

I needed to say this.

I leave it here with gratitude, honesty,

and the knowledge that love doesn’t have to be returned to be real. 💚

Always,

H