—SAINT VOIZE

eyes closed from the sympathetic yet mocking eyes of the people, ears shut at whispers, and mouth closed to refrain yourself from lashing out on an aristocrat's wife. 

you knew there was nothing left to do to stop all of this when your father himself, who also helped with looking for answers with his men in petesburg, revealed that these lies that ran through your mind were indeed factual. it took several days of weeping, anger, and devastation before you eventually calmed down and collected yourself, to say the least.

your family was respectful enough to leave you alone with your endeavors, with maids and butlers taking turns to give you a little bit of nutrition every day. they report to their master how his daughter was stuck in her bed, lost in thought, and refusing to consume anything. 

how could you, really? 

the man who swept you off your feet came back home to you in the form of a rumor that was later revealed to be true; an affair with a married woman. your father knew karenin through business, and you can only recall his stoic expression from when you met him as a child. 

alexei has always been a man of escape; he finds ways to relieve himself of the pressure of being a count, an army officer, and the child of a countess. he told you countless times, 

"you are my escape; you are my happiness." the same words he spoke to you as he slid the gift into your hand he brought for your birthday.

it became a habit to look at your hands, specifically the finger where a ring from vronsky lies. everytime you remove it out of disgust and hatred, your pathetic little love-sick heart desperately looks for it after. it was a cycle—a cycle your mother knew you'd be stuck in forever if she didn't interfere. 

when you finally gathered up the strength to dine with your family, who acted as if nothing had happened, they carried on with their usual conversation. they didn't take notice of you before your mother suddenly brought up your brother's upcoming wedding anniversary. she reminisces about the grand wedding when her eyes land on you. it wasn't hard to understand what she was doing; even with your dazed state, you were able to get the idea. 

apparently, a man in yaroslavl wished for your hand in marriage way before alexei did. you only had a bit of memory of the aristocrat; you were too busy fawning over count vronsky to remember.

"he is a good man. his father was of great help to us through the years. he'd be more than thrilled to be wedded to you." your father says it, and your mother nods along with a caring smile. 

"but my heart doesn't yearn for him, father. how can i wed a man i barely know?" 

"we are not forcing you to marry him right away, darling." your mother placed down her utensils as she spoke, saying, "feel free to go at a pace you deam correct." your mother was quick to reply, holding your hand. at this point, you have nothing but yourself to lose. all of your decisions up until now were only based off of count vronsky and regret is an understatement.

"i'll think about it, mother. thank you to both of you." your voice was meek, strained from all the tears you'd shed for the past week. 

.

.

.

nothing could've prevented him from seeing your name with another man, much less being supposedly about to be wed to one. vronsky's calloused fingertips carefully caress the name of the women he bestowed his life and soul to and whom he also betrayed by receiving this letter from the love of his life. 

arms snake around his torso, a slim figure resting against his back. he could feel her breath against his bare body. "you're taking quite a while to get back; is something the matter?" he folds the letter immediately, almost crushing it between his palms in anger. without hesitation, vronksy removes the same hands he desperately craved throughout his journey. 

he felt anguished by the memory of you. the thought of your smile directed at some bastard aristocrat made his vision blurry. he saw you as a challenge, a spite against your father, who wronged him long ago. "you were nothing but entertainment," he tells himself. '"but how can mere entertainment is causing him so much pain?"

a click of a door made him realize his current position on the cold floor of the hotel; he was on his knees, holding the letter for dear life. the silence in the room made it clear that anna had left. who would want to stay with a man she sacrificed everything for, only for him to grovel at another woman?

at that moment, it didn't bother him. everything that happened in moscow, that led to petesburg was gone like the wind. your name was a mantra inside the army officer's head, as if repeating it over and over again would make you appear in front of him. 

vronsky glances at the letter once again, his eyes scanning for when and where this matrimony will begin. it was back in moscow in about a month, when you'll be forever stuck with a man who isn't him. when he finally got up from the ground, put on his uniform, and bought the earliest ticket to moscow, it was like anna never came into his life. 

he could feel the distasteful eyes of men who used to laugh next to him and women who followed him around like a shadow. now that he was out of the hotel where he stayed with anna, it made it obvious for him to realize how fast the news got to you and how long you've been planning this marriage. he doesn't know if he was angry at you or at himself. but one thing alexei knew was that this wedding couldn't happen. 

alexei wasted no time getting to your home, getting on his horse as soon as he left the train station. 

he rang, knocked, and even shouted your name. it took a few more screams before you finally appeared before his eyes. 

you gasp as he kneels to your feet, grabbing onto your dress with his fist. no words can describe what you feel at the sight of him trembling and practically digging his fingers into your dress at how tight his grip was. 

"please, don't do this." alexei's voice whimpers, looking up at you with the same eyes that captivated you in the first place. "i'll do anything that you wish. "i've created a mistake that has hurt you—hurt us, so please..." he took your silence as a chance to stand up on his feet and caress your cheek. 

"leave him," he finishes, tears stained and weak. 

his words felt like knots in your stomach, but it wasn't butterflies that caused it. it was different from what you've always felt when he gently cups your cheeks and looks at you with such intent that any lady would be weak in the knees. 

the calloused hands that lay on your skin felt like poison. these same hands that grab on to you so dearly and so desperately are the same ones that held that women. you didn't feel anything but disgust.

"what you did didn't hurt you, count vronsky. you hurt your mother, your men, the people who treated you as a friend, and..." your lips tremble as you continue, "and the women who actually loved you. not temptation nor a challenge. i loved you like my other half." 

alexei's eyes wagged at the word 'loved', preparing a response, but your words cut him off before he could blabber on. 

"but you have proved me wrong." he could see the eyes that held love for him fueled with anger. you removed his calloused fingers from your face, creating a distance between the two of you. 

"please, my lady, you are—" 

"you're happiness?!" his voice somewhat triggered you to shout, with veins popping out of your neck at how loud you were. the people who tried their best to sneak glances at the commotion finally had the reason to stop and look at the two of you. 

"how many times have you told that woman the same thing, alexei!?" a hand lands on your bare shoulders, and you see your fiance with a worried expression on his face. "i no longer have a reason to let you take my hand, so please, count vronsky, muster up all the pride that you have left for yourself, and leave." 

you intertwine your hands with your future husband, who looks down at you with a worried smile and then a scowl at the dazed man. as you were about to close the door, a strong force stopped you. 

"i will not allow this, never." vronsky's voice was mixed with loathing and somberness, the two combinations that covered his heart as he stared at the hands that used to hold his. 

"i believe you do not have a say in this." your fiance retorts. 

the blonde man scoffs, "my very being is my right." 

"and i'll use my every being to get rid of everything that you have, up until you come crawling back to me, just like you always do."