Little Miss Violet-Bee

I've realized in my depression that adventures can be found in books, tv shows like Doctor Who, and movies like Star Wars but unfortunately I will never experience that in my life. In my life I experience mental illness, chronic pain, family problems, and debt. So for my beautiful, vibrant, ray of sunshine daughter I will shower her with as much adventure as I can manage whether that be through colorful magical clothing that makes her feel like a mythical creature, books, doctor who marathons, or babywearing throughout a park while looking for fairy circles. These are my thoughts.

So hubby really dropped the bawl for my first Mother's Day. And I'm just like...sad. Not even angry. I guess I come off as angry but I'm not. I've just been crying lol. I've been having to take care of him like a child because he's under so much stress his short term memory is shot and I just got over my fucked up post partum period and with how hard my pregnancy was... Idk. I just wanted him to do something. I'm sad. Really sad.

So I haven't been on this side blog in a whole because life+baby+reasons but I just had to because my partner is a fucking idiot right now I stopped night nursing because I take a medication that peaks at night and if it gets into Violet's system she gets all fucked up. So she gets pumped milk at night and exclusively breastfed during the day. Which is kind of a beautiful system because YAY! More sleep for me. But OMG my partner acts like the goddam world is ending when she wakes to eat (which is two times a night 4 hours a part). She is an angel baby she wakes to eat and then immediately goes to sleep right after. But he's so irritated that he has to be up th the just bitches about her the whole time. Like normal baby shit that she's doing he thinks is crazy. He thinks something is wrong. Idk. I'm just like bro. I do this shit ALL DAY. I feed her with my FUCKING BODY. You can't with a bottle twice a night without losing your shit? Dads are pretty useless sometimes.

Today I finally broke down I guess. I have no support system aside from Ryan. He's amazing but he's gone at work all the time. It's just me and Violet and I don't even have any friends. And my stupid fucking hormones keep making me cry. And on top of all of that, Violet is asleep right now WHICH I SHOULD BE DOING, but I'm too upset to sleep. Go fucking figure.