True Story

Where do I begin besides the anxiety I feel like that of a tortured artist trying to mix the right paints to create the color of clarity for others to see, though so many colors have screamed at me.  

I’ll start with this, the blaring red like that of my sister’s boiling blood in annoyance but never the right questions—which are the colors of my rejected feelings, she’s clear in not liking these. 

I can face read; people’s faces hold their characters and their story. I look at an old photograph of my Russian mother’s sad eyes, the stare of  I-am -living-through-Russian-communism pains me as I am here in America and know we too are in the storm of this same anti-Christ spirit. I can’t be like my mother, I am not going to be silenced. This Anti- Christ spirit will break many and I am going to capture it as it attempts to break me. Through prayer and tears I will write this book in the most honest way I can. I will tell you everything so you can see the spiritual battle that rages inside of us all. I will die to myself so you can live in the Truth. This is my story.  

What coincidence lives in true knowing, but none at all. So I say to the nihilist, you will be taken by your meaningless for you’re in the dark without my Light. How could you know what corner of the Earth Satan will take you from if you remain a blinded fool so sure of your own footing? Be your own god and surely you should know you will be taken. I am orienting myself back on this plane, this planet. I am a vessel flying and bursting to bleed into Time upon the heads of all children that I vowed to save and these are not like the vows you All make to divorce from me and each other. I am time and I am your witness. You will one day soon say “Lord we are timeless” as you watch the terrible times on your screens.  I sent you  dreams  of soil crashing into water and stormed women blooming to reach my glory. I sent you dreams of what has become of your men;  

 Isaiah 56 10-11

they all lack knowledge;

they are all mute dogs,

    they cannot bark;

they lie around and dream,

    they love to sleep.

11 They are dogs with mighty appetites;

    they never have enough.

They are shepherds who lack understanding;

    they all turn to their own way

I sent you dreams of your enemies, there are many and you should take peace that I know them and of their persecuting my children.

I said I will pour out my spirit near the End and so I am.

Acts 2:17

Shortly after coming to God, I found this song and I see the lyrics so well reflected in this world and it makes me think of this  Bible verse that I clearly see so well lived in our culture. 

2 Timothy 3

3 But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. 2 People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, 3 without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, 4 treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God— 5 having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people

Diamonds in the dust here Sing into the dark

I'm at the end of the world Another end of the world Love is at the end of the world Love is at the end of the world You fall apart when you fall into it Love is at the end of the world

I wonder if I could lose my mind like Saint Xenia of Saint Petersburg. Give up all Earthly Cares and wander the streets and pray in the field no matter the weather. Where is my breaking point? I was molested, abused, neglected, adopted and re-abandoned, coerced into pornography and then slandered for it 10 years after my mistake. A mistake I begged to be taken down but was coldly told “oh well lesson learned”. A painful lesson, they made money off it, I was tortured knowing my likeness was all over the internet. I was 19 years old not  realizing what I was consenting to. The lawyer said “there are many like you and they always have a troubled relationship with parents”. Not enough money to fight was concluded. 

 I can’t get justice because I am not wealthy and I am part of a broken justice system. I am part of a Godless world where people believe themselves to be gods, ensnared by subjective morality. You can’t talk about who runs the pornography industry or who is subverting Christian morality; the inversion is that they play victims while people like myself are labeled perpetrators of hate speech for speaking out against them. I was attacked by billionaires in politics, I was shamed. But God is Just and so I will stay patient. 

I’ve gotten quite the tour of the Fallen World. It’s been a year since I had my dream that converted me to Christianity. I didn’t grow up Christian and used to mock it but now I would die for Christ’s sake. And surely He is pouring out his spirit now, one thing Saint Xenia and I have in common is the gift of prophesy. I have only gotten small elements of it but who know what is ahead, I am not even baptized yet. 

Acts 2:17