Complex female characters...

Billie wanted the trailer to be absolutely perfect. She’d been working in production for at least a year, she had the whole process figured out by now. She had known what she wanted it to look like with the old squad, but with you… She was slightly puzzled. Making the commercial perfect required some research - namely research on your person and that made Billie Dean feel slightly uncomfortable, almost as if she was invading your privacy. That’s why she was actually glad and relieved, when her little sister had offered her help. Maggie had always been more tuned in to the music world. She knew music producers, singers and bands, and most importantly she liked it. And even though normally Billie preferred to do such things on her own, this time it was different, because watching all sorts of videos from your concerts or meetings with your fans was a lot to take for her. She hadn’t expected that something so seemingly trivial could affect her so much and she wasn't sure why it did have such a strong effect on her.

Billie hadn’t seen you for almost 7 years. She knew you became a successful singer and were pursuing a career in Europe, but she didn’t follow its development. At first she was too busy to do so, then it felt strange to be interested in her ex-wife’s life. But there she was, learning how much of a successful artist you actually were. 

With an impressive list of music awards, 5 albums each of which was a best-seller and a few songs that remained number one hits for more than just a couple of weeks they referred to you as a Superstar of  showbusiness. Billie couldn't deny it. Especially that the more she read or watched the more accurate this label appeared to be. Of course, it didn’t escape Billie’s notice how often you were photographed with Valeria. She was your producer, so most people didn’t really pay it much attention, but Billie Dean knew better. The way you looked at each other, the way your hands would accidentally touch, the way you exchanged those small, almost unnoticeable smiles - it was all familiar, too familiar, because that used to be her. Billie had been the one in Valeria’s place, well, not completely, since the two of you made sure not to go out together, simply wanting to avoid the press. But God, how she wished it had all been different. Maybe if it had been, things would be easier for her now that you were back. She wouldn't have to pretend that nothing had happened…

Billie didn't realize how much time she spent scrolling through different sites, watching your photos, thereby getting no actual work done. She would most likely stay there, looking at your face far longer if it hadn't been for Maggie.

"Are you done?" the younger woman asked.

"What?” Billie looked up, only to see Maggie watching her intently. “Oh… Yeah, I guess”

“What are you watching?” The woman moved closer to where Billie was seated and pulled another chair to sit down next to her.

“Some concert or whatever.” Billie shrugged, as if she didn’t care at all. Yet Margaret knew better, after all they were sisters.

“You know, you don’t have to pretend that it doesn’t affect you. It’s okay if it does. I think it should… At least a little bit. I mean you were together for what? Three years or more?”

“Four…” Billie stated.

“See? Four years is a long time. And you cared about her so it’s okay if it bothers you-”

“It doesn’t bother me!” Billie snapped.

“Okay. Then what is it? What’s going on with you?”

“I mean… It’s not about Y/N.”

“Then who?”

“I don’t know…. I don’t know what it’s about. I don’t know what’s going on with me. I just feel strange. When I saw her on the stage…. and then at the studio with that woman…” Billie took a deep breath.

“Well, it’s called jealousy.”

“I’m not jealous”

“I think you are. A little. I mean why would you stalk them like that if you weren’t jealous?” Maggie said, pointing at the screen in front of them.

The medium turned to look at the laptop. The picture of you and Valeria betrayed her apparently.

“I just wanted to know who Valeria is.” Billie defended.

“I’m sure you did. What did you find out?”

Billie thought for a moment. She learnt nothing, too preoccupied with studying your pictures.

“Well…”

Maggie chuckled.

“She’s a singer and music producer.” The younger woman explained.

“How do you know?”

“I know, because instead of staring at the pics of Y/N I actually did some research.”

“How come I never saw her before? She appears to be famous?”

“She is, but not in the US. I mean not that much. Though people from the music industry know her pretty well. She was born in Russia, but currently lives in the UK with Y/N.”

“They live together?!" 

Maggie sighed at the question.

"I think you have enough for today. You should go home and get some sleep." She decided to ignore Billie's question, knowing full well that the answer may make it worse for her sister than being oblivious. Deep inside though, Maggie knew that Billie realized what the answer was, she only hoped that the medium wouldn't pester her about it. She didn't. 

For once Billie listened to her sister and went home. She got a glass of wine and took a nice relaxing bath. She did everything just the way you used to always tell her, and yet it was all ineffectual. Billie knew that sleep was far from coming, when she finally made it to her bedroom. She lay down anyway, only to end up rolling over every 5 minutes.

Her attempt was sure to bring nothing, but insomnia, because her mind kept projecting the image of you. Her mind was full of questions, but one seemed to bother her particularly… Did you truly move on? Forgot her and started a new life with someone else? Did Valeria truly take her place?

The questions made sleeping impossible, plaguing Billie the whole night and then the following morning as she made her way into her trailer. She did it on autopilot, not really comprehending her surroundings. Was it her being tired? The lack of sleep, too much caffeine and nicotine? Perhaps it was all of the above. 

It felt almost as if she was going crazy. Maybe, in fact, she was crazy. That could be the only plausible explanation for her behaviour, but no, Billie wouldn't admit it. She would rather keep on pretending, indulging in all sorts of unhealthy habits and coping mechanisms. 

She had no right to be mad at you for being in a new relationship, but being jealous was a different thing. And even though she knew it wasn't quite alright, she simply couldn't help it. She hadn't been with anyone the way she had been with you. She couldn't have been, because none of them was you. So when she saw you with Valeria at the studio and then on the set, Billie got mad. 

She got mad, because seemingly you had moved on, while she was still stuck, searching for you in every woman she met. She didn't like the way she felt, she didn't like all those sudden feelings that were gradually slipping out of her grasp. She didn't want to feel this way. She didn't mean to be mad, but she was. She was mad at everything and everyone, even though in reality the only person she could and probably should be mad at was herself. She wouldn't blame herself though, she never did. That appeared to be another feature of the Howards, the one the three of them took after their dear mother - they'd never embrace their faults. They'd have to accept that they had them in the first place, which did not really seem like an option. There always was someone else to blame for whatever happened to them, that was what Deborah taught them. Their attitude was where the absurdity of mamma Howard's mindset lay in and where most of their problems stemmed from. Billie's younger siblings seemed to try to work on it, but she… she was way too stubborn. And so there she was - aware that her behaviour was far from being right and still acting the same way.

Normally it wouldn't have affected Billie's job all that much, but right there it appeared to be a little problematic. It was caused mainly by the fact that the medium found it unusually hard to actually focus, and so the whole crew ended up shooting all over again every few hours. It was already afternoon and absolutely nothing was done, since nothing had gone according to the plan. 

Billie couldn't focus the way she'd like to, not to mention that for the first time in her career as a director, she actually didn't know how she wanted the commercial to look like. She couldn't do it. She shouldn't be doing it. She wouldn't admit it though. So when Valeria appeared, informing that you could use a break and offering her help, Billie declined. She had it under control, right? Well, maybe she did not, but she wouldn't admit it. And to take help from no other than Valeria, the woman she hated? That was unthinkable. Billie would rather spend another few days on the set, trying to figure everything out, no matter how difficult it might be. It still seemed better than to allow Valeria of all people to be in charge on her set. Of course she didn't think of the crew or you being used to a different time zone or the deadlines. None of those things mattered while put next to Billie's own struggles, which were actually pretty trivial to everyone but Billie herself. And that was yet another significant thing about the Howards - selfishness. They weren't born selfish, they were made that very way by no other than their mother. Deborah Howard was perhaps the most self important person on earth and she seemed to infect her children with that horrible trait. At that point, with Billie being almost 40 there was no turning back. Not when there was no willingness to change on her side. At that point only some good motivator could work. A strong impulse, pouring cold water over her could work - of course given that it would be something truly spectacular. And there was something... That one particular thing that you wished to remain a secret as long as possible, or at least until you would be able to finish working alongside the medium and go back to your peaceful life far from her. However the universe seemed to have a different plan for the two of you. 

After Valeria left, Billie let everyone go on a break. She on the other hand decided to stay where she was, hoping she'd be able to figure her task out without any help. Much to her dismay no solution or idea came to her mind. Instead her work was once again disturbed, except this time it was her father who bothered her.

"Not taking any break, are we?" he shook his head as he approached Billie.

"Dad? What are you doing here?"

"I came by to see how you're doing. I heard that Y/N's back and well... just wanted to check on you"

Billie huffed.

"I'm fine." she said dryly.

And if her father didn't know better, he would probably believe her. But Bill Howard knew his firstborn daughter better than she knew herself and because of that he knew she was everything but fine. And so even though Billie tried to focus on the screens in front of her, doing her best to ignore the presence of her dad, he wasn't about to give up on this hard, but necessary conversation.

"Can I have a look?" he asked, pointing at the screen in front of Billie.

"There's literally nothing to look at, but yeah, you can"

"What's going on?" he asked so gently that Billie felt bad for wanting to do nothing, but throw a tantrum.

"I..." she hesitated, not really sure what to tell him. "I just don't know how to make her a part of this damn commercial..."

The man nodded understandingly.

"Do you have to be the one making it? Do you have to make it at all? Maybe you could use some snatches of the clips to her songs? They have really nice videos" Bill said.

Billie looked at him as if she wanted to kill him. Kill her own father... She was very close to it right then and there. No wonder, after all he had mentioned the exact same thing that Valeria had barely 5 minutes prior to his arrival.

"You've got to be kidding me"

"What?" he asked, confused.

"That new woman of hers... Valeria suggested the same thing"

"And?"

"And I told her that it's my show and I'll do it my way"

"Stubborn as always"

Billie rolled her eyes at the comment.

"Does she happen to be a producer as well?"

"Yes..."

"Well then why won't you let her do it?"

"You mean my show?"

"No. I mean this commercial. She works with Y/N all the time, she knows how to work with her and how to show her assets, so maybe just let her"

Just let her... How could she, the one and only Billie Dean Howard, the medium to the stars, the woman of success let that Valeria person into her workspace, which she considered almost sacred. No, she would not do that. But maybe she should... Billie knew that her father wouldn't bring it up if it wasn't the right thing to do. She was aware that he wanted what was best for her, but heavens only knew how hard it was for her to accept that Valeria might have been her only option at that point.

Billie sighed, feeling defeated. She rarely needed to ask for help or anything at all. People were usually more than willing to do whatever she desired without her needing to even mention it and they all did that for her, just to get a glimpse of her attention. It wasn't the case this time. No one would do anything for her unless she asked and that felt strange to say the least.

"Talk to Jackson. Make him take care of everything and you... Take a few days off for yourself. You've started to turn into a workaholic ever since the two of you split."

Billie simply nodded, accepting that her father was right and even though she wasn't a fan of holidays, she actually felt that a break could do her some good.

"Okay. You're right. I'll talk to him and yeah... I'll take a break"

"That's my girl! How about we spend that time together? We could invite your brother and sister as well. We could have some sort of sleepover just like we used to when you were kids."

Billie smiled at the memory.

"Yes, we could do that"

"Great! I'll call David and Maggie."

"Alright, dad"

"Just relax Billie. Everything will be okay."

Billie tried to convince herself that her father was right. Things would get better eventually. They had to. You'll be fine. Just fine. Billie Dean was so busy repeating it that she didn't notice a little boy backing up and not looking where he was going. That's until he bumped into something or rather someone - Billie.

The medium stopped immediately and looked down at her dress, which was now stained with Billie's coffee. That little accident was the last straw, Billie was on the very edge and barely managed to contain all her emotions. She was ready to yell at some incompetent intern or assistant who hadn't been looking where they're going, however much to Billie's surprise there was no intern… There was a little boy, who ended up on the floor due to the force of their collision. With his long blonde locks freely falling on his forehead he remained Billie of her beloved nephew. And when her eyes met his own big brown orbs, her features immediately softened. She smiled, as she offered the boy her hand.

"Are you okay, buddy?" she asked, helping him stand up.

"Da…” he answered quickly, “Yes..” he corrected himself almost immediately, “I'm okay." he spoke in a strange and heavy, yet familiar to the medium accent.

It wasn’t anything unusual to meet some kid at the set, the new show was about the kids after all, but the accent with which the boy spoke gave away he wasn’t a participant.

“Are you here alone?” Billie asked again.

“No. I’m with my... “ he appeared to be looking for the right word, slightly puzzled, yet focused, “my… umm… my mom’s friend” he stated. 

“And where are they?”

“I… lost them somewhere here…”

“And where’s your mom?”

“I don’t know. She works here and I’m trying to find her”

“Okay. What’s your mom’s name? Maybe I could help” Billie offered, smiling friendly at the child.

“Her name is-”

“Sasha!” a female voice echoed through the room, attracting both the boy’s and Billie’s attention.

Billie knew that voice. She had heard it for basically half of the day after all. She wasn’t even surprised when she turned around and saw Valeria. She was more surprised to see you, following the other woman.

“Mama!” the boy yelled enthusiastically, immediately running in your direction.

The heavy ‘slavic’ accent started to make more sense now that Billie witnessed the interaction between the child and Russian director.

“Что ты здесь делаешь? [Chto ty zdes' delayesh']” (What are you doing here?) Valeria asked the boy.

“Я вас искал” [ya vas iskal] (I was looking for you)

“Well, you found us” you said, nervously looking between the child and the medium, “Ты должен был ждать нас дома вместе со своей сестрой, не так ли? [Ty dolzhen byl zhdat' nas doma vmeste so svoyey sestroy, ne tak li?] (You were supposed to wait for us at home with your sister, weren’t you?)” you continued.

“Да, да... но я так сильно скучал по вам.  [Da, da...  no ya tak sil'no skuchal po vam] (Yes, yes… But I missed you so much)” the boy whined.

“Alex, don’t do such things ever again.” you said sternly.

“We’re worried about you.” Valeria added in a slightly softer manner.

“I won’t. I promise, mama” the boy wrapped his small hands around you and Valeria.

Billie averted her eyes. The interaction made her already bad mood even worse. It appeared that Valeria had more than just a place by your side. The other woman had not only taken Billie's place, but also had more than Billie Dean could wish for - a child. And you… you were his other guardian apparently. This revelation stung more than anything else about you and Valeria. It was, perhaps, because in a recent time the medium developed a strange craving for a family of her own. 

Seemingly Billie had everything one could wish for - career, money, fame and all sorts of fancy things. What she didn't have was a significant other who would truly care about her and about who she'd care the same way she used to care about you… then a baby of her own… Billie wasn't quite sure where that strange desire to become a mother came from. Back in your time together, you were planning on having a child, you had even gone as far as trying to have a baby, but your attempts failed. She considered that unrealized plan of yours one of the reasons for your breakup, yet she never admitted it. 

No one considered her a family type, no one had pictured her as a good candidate for a mother, not with the style of her life, not with how she was always spotted in the company of different lovers… Billie wasn't the one to share her desires with just anyone and in her position it actually seemed better not to talk about her deepest wants to anyone. The medium decided to keep the appearances for the sake of her career, because if she never was to have a baby and family of her own, she'd still be the well-known medium to the stars and a successful director. She held onto that thought and carried on with her life, instead realizing her desire of sorts in her new show - where the kids got a chance to develop their talents and fulfill their dreams. However, at that point her show was also at risk…

The show. Billie reminded herself and almost immediately proceeded on walking away from you and Valeria. She needed a break or else she'd not be able to carry on anymore.

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