Velvethope

After the Fall:

Castiel feels a heaviness in his bones tonight. A doubtful conflict from within. Since becoming less angelic and more ‘human’ it is a sense that is becoming all too familiar. The daily aches and pains most humans carry around with them were a shock to him at first, but in time he grew used to them. But this — this weariness—this soul-crushing ache (not that he thinks he has a soul yet but perhaps that is part of the problem) sometimes it is almost too much to bear.

He is keeping watch over the Winchesters. Over Dean. As always. The night is almost over - his angelic grace still keeps him in that space of being able to tell when dawn is ready to break. It’s not a very useful attribute but Castiel will take what he can get at this point. Dean tosses in his bed, snoring lightly. Castiel glances at him, easily picking out his sleeping form through the darkness of the hotel room. And the heavy, suffocating feeling wounds its way through him again. He pulls his eyes away to look back out the window. There is something about watching Dean now that eats at him in a way it hasn’t done before. More pain, more confusion…more yearning.

Castiel scoffs at himself. And yet…

Dean and Castiel have always had a more profound connection - Castiel cares for Sam, but only as a fellow solider, a fellow brother in arms. Before the fall he would have argued he felt the same for Dean but now he understands that for the falsehood it is - he has never felt as though Dean were his brother. He has always felt that he and Dean are more. Even before he could understand what that meant.

It is not purely physical, although Dean is a very attractive man. Castiel has never had much use for physical beauty - he understands it, can recognize it, but has always felt the shallowness of such things and not paid it much attention. But Dean…Dean is so much more than how he looks. His soul shines with his righteousness and his bravery. His ability to still love and care while his life has been full of such pain, it is amazing to Castiel. There is a brightness in Dean that never wavers. It is this that Castiel finds the most intriguing; it is this that pulls him closer and closer until he can see nothing else at all. Nothing else but Dean.

There are many who have noticed this trait of his and used it against them; there are many who laugh at what they perceive to be his ultimate weakness. But Castiel is beginning to feel as though it is also one of his greatest strengths.

Anna once told him it gets worse, this “feeling” business that humans suffer through. And she was right. This gnarled, unfed desire in him - it feels as though sometimes it will tear him apart.

But it also makes him feel alive. And nearer to his father’s creation than anything in Heaven ever did. Perhaps he is just a foolish angel, slowly losing his grace as well as his mind. But Castiel doesn’t think so. He was tasked with saving Dean Winchester. Loving him…yes, Castiel can finally admit that, if only in his own head, loving him was a bonus. A surprise he never saw coming and yet it feels so completely right.

The hungry ache seems to ease inside of him as he embraces the idea of his love for Dean. Castiel will do what needs to be done - he will bury his feelings because he knows Dean will never understand them. And that is fine. Castiel does not need his love reciprocated for it to mean something. And he will work through these…pinings in due time.

But for now…

He will watch over Dean and Sam. He will protect Dean as much as he can from whatever evil next comes their way. He will do whatever he needs to do to keep the Winchesters safe. His love - his ache - will undoubtedly grow - but he is an angel, even still. And he is used to loving that which is unseen - that which does not respond. He was created to fight, to serve the law and word of God. But Castiel now believes he was also created to love. Loving Dean is his divine right.

Castiel feels a lightness in his bones tonight. Finally, there is peace.

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