do not taste plants if you don't know what they are
do not identify a fruit as edible just because it tastes sweet
hope you didn't eat any fucking seeds, bro
And today, we have this winner:
I saw the photo in my feed and went ohh, dude, no, we do not handle yellow rocks with our bare hands until we know for sure what they are. And I know that orange...
In comments, they continue:
and that's where I started cussing at the computer monitor. But someone else had got there first:
So just as a reminder, folks. If you don't know what it is, don't put it in your fucking mouth!
YOU GODDAMN STUPID MOTHERFUCKER
Good fucking god, people, if you don't know what it is, DON'T PUT IT IN YOUR STUPID MOUTH.
Oh my god. Good lord. I learned that when I was TINY. I was the tiniest, dumbest baby child and I knew better than to do this. What is wrong with you.
At Halloween last year, the tiniest little girl dressed as one of the Folk came to my door. There's an increasingly magnificent native beautyberry to one side of my stoop, with its marvelous electric purple berries served up in great tumbles, and she was transfixed by it. She got her candy, I complimented her costume, she started down the stairs, and then stopped, and turned back around. Her: "Are those for-eating berries?" Me: "Oh, you are so smart and clever for asking first! That is such a good idea, I'm so impressed! These are Callicarpa, called beautyberry, and they are edible. Usually they are for cooking, though, to make syrup or jam, and they're not very nice right off the bush. But they are a food berry, and you're so smart to ask!" Her: "Can I...try one?" Me: "If your mother says you may." Her mother, from the walk: "Are you SURE, like, 100% sure. That those are food." Me: "A hundred percent sure, ma'am. I could show you a couple of websites on them, if you want." The Girl: *waits for her mother's nod, then gently reaches out and takes three very small berries and puts them into her mouth* The Girl: *makes an inquisitive face as she chews, walking down the path toward her mother* Me, turning back inside: "Husband, you should have seen this very smart little girl just now!"
This is the reason I don't plant foxglove in my flowerbed, even though I love it -- I live right next to a playground.
LARP years and years ago someone playing a "quirky" character (JFC) was chewing on some leaves and grass fine whatever. Then I saw them pick up this bitch:
Those of you who's sphincter just tightened, congratulations you make it through night one of the Hunger Games. Everyone else, that's fuckin poison hemlock. It'll kill ya real dead.
My hand snapped out and slapped the small spray of flowers from their hand.
"What the fuck?!"
"Out of character, that's hemlock. It's very toxic, so you are going to not touch anything, and go to the kitchen and wash your hands with cool water and dish detergent and never do that again. Stop."
They were less mad after that.
I am not above dumbassery.
Back in 2008, I lived in a place that was absolutely lousy with this plant:
There were so many vines that they were literally destroying a fence under their weight. I didn't know what they were, and I didn't have internet or a smartphone. When I smelled them, they smelled spicy like a pepper plant.
Anyway, I decide I'm gonna cut these vines down. I have trimmers, but I don't have gloves so I'm doing this all barehanded. This was around the time I was also fucking around with cars, so my hands are pretty torn up. Are you freaking out yet? Because I wasn't and I definitely should've been.
Well, I save the fence from the vines but start noticing that my hands are losing feeling and going kinda pins-and-needles on me. Which was super weird because that's only happened when I sleep on my hands. And I'm sweating profusely because it's summer, and I've wiped my hands across my face while I've been cutting down these vines to wipe at my sweat, and occasionally when I lick my lips, there's a weird bitter taste because either I must've wiped my hand across my mouth at some point or the sweat from my forehead is carrying the plant juice with it as it travels to my mouth. Yeah, you should be freaked out.
Anyhow, the next day, I was back at it. Except this time it didn't take as long for my hands to go numb and I started feeling really dizzy, so I had to stop.
The day after that, I tried again and my hands went numb even faster and I got dizzy again and started feeling super weak.
And the day after that, I tried one last time, and nearly passed out about 5 minutes into it.
It took me a few days, but I learned my lesson. When I came across the plant again at a different residence, I had a smartphone and I looked it up and nearly shit myself. I realized then how lucky I was. It could've gone so much worse for me.
My only criticism of this addition is that you didn't give the nameβ That's bittersweet nightshade!
Some might recognize the berries better, since they're more brightly colored:
This plant is native to most of northern Europe and is an invasive species in North America, so it's got a big range!
