VeeDeePee

I don’t want to miss anything. I am awake.

I don’t want to miss anything.

Like that woman with the blue trousers and flower top who is eating her breakfast outside on the jetty while the black cormorants watch the baby pink sunrise.

I don’t want to miss it. I want to see, where I am. Feel, where I am. I am so happy I am so happy I am so happy I slept three hours I am happy Not like a week ago, when I was manic happy. Now I’m quiet happy.

happy happy happy happy yes yes yes yes and and and and no nono no no nono buts buts buts only butts butts butts

This morning I saw the little craters in my thighs while I stretched my legs open wide. Just to stretch, not to invite some other inside. No, no, no. I need to do that by myself again first,

first first back to the

first, first, first When I was eight I started to discover. I couldn’t stop, it was just too good to be true:

“I can make my own body feel like this? Yes please more please! Did you know if you touch yourself like this you feel really, really good? Did you know that, do you know that, do you know?”

It started out as just feeling nice, tingly and fun. It wasn’t until my first boyfriend that I had a full blown, power cutting, fuses out orgasm. I didn’t even know that was possible, or you know I had heard the rumours... but they never spoke about that ripple.

That ripple through my whole entire body; all the fuzzy hairs, skin, spine, nerves, blood vessels, brain. Every cell on. Awake, whispering...

Hey, you’re here. Hey, hey, hey, hey, you’re here, you’re here , you’re here! Feel me, me too, me too, feel me too! And me, and me, hey, hey, yes, yes, bit more, bit more, bit slower, bit faster, alright go on.

Guiding me guiding him.

I remember imagining it as my own videogame: each time a ripple came up – or the ripple got bigger – a little heart got added to the top right of my thought screen. One, two, three, four all the way up. Buzzing like tiny pixels they filled my entire minds’ eye. As the amount of hearts grew my voice did too. Until there was no more sound. Just breath. A long low grunt.

It sounds like I forgot about the boyfriend and that’s kind of true. I had to in that moment. I was enjoying myself.

It can be different though. If we catch the same wavelength. Flowing together through ripples of pleasure then they are no ‘other’ anymore. For those few moments we are one organism, our cells communicating carnal desire. Giving to ourselves, to our body. Feeling everything.

If you want I could keep you for a while...

Come inside and nestle in between my folds Look up from down under Feel the glistening light penetrate your pores You flesh turned stone relaxes

Fibres smoothen, cells tingle, energy ripples Ripples all the way from head to toe From your crown to your pinkie All rosy, your skin peachy

Make up, make up

Make up for what?

Make up for me?

Make up my face, my face disgrace

Made up make up. No rules they say

Still I keep seeing

The same

The same

The same

The same

The same full lips, full brows, full cheeks

I scroll through skin brushed sleek

And catch a scratch in the red

People say I got energy like I got a big dicc

But in reality it all comes from my clit

Soft but fit she hides behind lips so thicc

Ik ben een Judgement Junkie

Ik wil bewijs ik zoek bewijs

Ik ben een Judgement Junkie

Ik herken eerlijkheid als harde woorden

pijn weet dat ze bestaat

Ik wil geen puppy play

Ik wil de kat met negen staarten

voelen in m’n rug

Ik wil naalden die schaven en een gaatje achterlaten

Naalden die dikker prikken dan in de accupunctuur

Ik wantrouw complimenten

ik wil geen meelij ik wil geen meelij

Ik wil discipline, striemen als stramien

want ik ben er nog niet

Ik wil er ook niet komen

alsof er een er is

alsof er een vaststaand gegeven is

Dit is geen stenen wereld meer

Die bestaat alleen nog als de gele route op toeristen kaarten van Venetië

En ook die verkopen niet meer als vroeger

Ik maak me geen illusies

Met genopte tentakels

En glibberige taaie huid

Zuig ik me vast als octopus

Klamp ik me aan losse spaanders

En spuw ik zoute inkt

DIY style

‘I love you.’ You said it once or twice after some wine and pressed your lips heavily on my mouth when I whispered it back some moments later.

Did you really mean it as well?

I knew her through what you were missing. The dog you could keep.. he’d watched me as I fried the eggs sunny-side up, while you took a shower.

Giving and taking, that’s a relationship right?

Your small trophies of better known people are more prominent in this bare house. With quelled pride you watch me read a newspaper column from the angry old man in which you swiftly pass by. ‘I’m not sure if I can make it’, I said. ‘You’ll get it’, you said.

How can you know a thing like that about me?

As we spooned on the couch you’d whisper to me about horseback riding on the beach at your getaway place. ‘So nice and peaceful to go horseback riding together’, I mused. You didn’t stop me as I continued about walking the dog during long weekends on the countryside where I had grown up not that long ago.

I don’t know in whose fantasy I am anymore.

One sunny morning that old gentleman, that other old friend of yours, gave me an encouraging wink at the breakfast café. Later you told me he thought I was pretty:

‘Pretty?’

‘Yes, pretty. They don’t know you yet, so we could only talk about appearance. I answered all of his questions in a very diplomatic way.’

‘... oh’

I am afraid that you will never give anything but diplomatic answers.

I push my heels into the ground

Stamp it, stamp it out

I push my heels into the ground

Lift and drop ‘em down

I drop it low and scream

I drop it low and scream

Hard style Heart style

I drop it low and scream

Hands clench fist, raised pumpin’ pumpin’

I go hard, voice growlin’ gruntin’

Drop it low and scream

I push my heels into the ground

I drop it low and scream

Make muscles shake, flesh over bones

Skeleton take the beat

The beat the beat the beat the beat

Rampant without end

I push my heels into the ground

Stampin’ like my toddler years

Temper tantrum head bangin’

I can’t sleep

I can’t sleep ‘cause my head is aching

I can’t sleep ‘cause my mind is wondering

I can’t sleep ‘cause my muscles are twitching

my right eye won’t close

it don’t close

i want to dose, to doze off

away and softly

off the page into the dream

turning over

Body take the lead

Clean out my toxins

Wash me clean while I sleep

Spill fluid through tissue

Unknown carer

Unknown healer

I will take care of you again tomorrow

Dead of night

On and on, never ending stream of words

Obsessively searching connections

Insight! Insight!

I see it!

I see it all so clearly!

But the brain wants more

It’s feeding time for the brain..

Brain eat my brain

Eat my sleep to satisfy your hunger

Ever hungry never full

Addicted to that spark

The fire, the flash of light

Yes, yes we want more

We want that me and my brain

No not my brain, my mind is hungry

My brain just wants sleep

Poor, poor brain

Feeding my mind with that sweet sensation

That phantom fuel of dopamine

Unknowingly signing its own death.

city cranes mounted in acid green building ground rise rise up into the stars constellations my father taught me on the roof of our orange brick house orange city hazes surrounding our rural life encroaching like the life of adults into my place, my, my, my place