#selfhood

One of my favorite parts of video games is figuring out which characters are trustworthy, with whom to ally myself. Learning to read people is a source of constant fascination to me, and I think visual novels/romance sims explore this in a really interesting way—you’re often asked to make a judgment about people from a very small amount of information, probably in an unusual and/or dangerous situation, so that you can make a decision that (1) could be life or death and (2) could lock you into a certain set of events moving forward. You have to know both who to choose and how to behave around them in order to produce the best outcomes.

From the beginning, my inclination was toward Nulla, but only slightly. Septem and Unum were fairly transparent and unappealing to me, but knowing almost nothing about Nulla, I couldn’t be sure he wouldn’t be even worse; besides, I could always be wrong about them, so I reserved judgment. By the time I finished the prologue, I was still uncertain, but Nulla remained my clear top candidate. Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately), I wasn’t able to figure out how to get to him! I was too afraid of negative consequences to reveal myself as the player, especially since when he realized who I was in his house, he just killed me. I tried different things and quickly came to several bad ends only to shrug and guess that maybe I needed to choose Nulla, get rejected, and then choose one of the others, and his route would somehow become available later on.

I would later feel a bit foolish, realizing how clearly the game tried to telegraph what I needed to do, but I suppose my innate anxiety toward breaking the rules stood in the way. Regardless, I’m glad I did Unum’s route first, because it really set the stage in a way that I feel was necessary for Nulla’s route to hit correctly.

Playing through Unum’s route was a truly bizarre experience. After being killed and/or eaten several times already, I reluctantly submitted myself to be his “test subject,” having no idea what horrors this might entail. After nearly getting eaten by him, he revealed that he wanted to have a child with me. Though the experience wouldn’t involve sex or pregnancy, it was still uncomfortably intimate and completely unwanted; but having no other path forward but to accede to his wishes, I once again submitted myself.

The experience that followed was one of bittersweet, melancholic resignation. Unum did prove to have redeeming qualities, but that wasn’t enough to make the situation pleasant, only to make me pity him as well. Being forced to watch as my child was abused, a child I never wanted to have, while my husband and I were powerless to help him, a husband I never wanted to have…what a strange and sorrowful experience. I guess the story is similar to a woman forced into a political marriage or to be a concubine. If you get lucky and your husband is a decent man, you might come to love him in some ways, but it’ll always be tainted by the power dynamic and your lack of agency.

I want to make it clear that while my “character” so to speak had an unpleasant experience, and even I as the player experienced some unpleasantness, I don’t consider those to be bad things. Stories should allow us to have new experiences, not necessarily only good ones. This was definitely unlike anything I’ve experienced in a game before, and for that reason, I found it fascinating.

One interesting facet to Unum’s story was the relationship PC has with his wives. In a way, they became my sisters, helping me and my children; at the same time, there was an insurmountable divide between us. Their hunger for human flesh made spending any significant amount of time together out of the question. And beyond that basic fact, could they ever really understand me as a being so different from them? Did they look down upon me?

Living in Unum’s household is a testament to how a person can be lonely even surrounded with people. Whether with Unum, his wives, or my children, none of them could really understand me. But I couldn’t even really be angry at them because it really wasn’t their fault. We were just too different. I was somewhere I didn’t belong, and the world was broken, and everything was bad and wrong even though it was mostly nobody’s fault. It left me with a feeling of profound emptiness and hopelessness.

That is the experience I was coming off of when I finally did Nulla’s route after looking up how to trigger it.

As soon as I found Nulla, everything changed. It was like night and day. After so much sorrow, feeling myself more and more hollowed out by feeling invisible and powerless…Suddenly all of that melted away in an instant, and everything was right in the world. He protected me, loved me…

Saw me.

Of course, Nulla sees more than anyone. That’s the primary conceit of his character; not only does he see the body I pilot in his world, the puppet, he sees me, the player.

After the experience I had just had, this attention was like an oasis in the desert. And, deliciously, Nulla felt the exact same way. Crushed by loneliness, starving for affection. Unable to speak with the others and be actually understood. But the two of us, we could understand each other. Finally, we had found each other, and now everything would be okay.

That was before he even told me his plan! And then he offered me an irresistible opportunity, essentially saying:

All those people who hurt you, who tormented, killed and ate you; this entire horrible, awful world and the heartless creator god that created and abandoned it…I will end them. They will never hurt you or anyone else ever again.

You, who were created to be devoured, will instead devour them. I will upend the natural order and give you all the power.

I now understand why Nulla needs the player to break the rules to initiate his route. He’s willing to break every rule for us, to shatter his entire world to please us—but he needs to know that we will do the same for him.

And I will, Nulla. I will break every rule for you, my love.

It feels so good to be seen and protected in this way, to have someone understand that the rules are the manifestation of the system and the system is just a meat grinder. No, I’m not just talking about the game anymore. Of course, real life is full of situations in which we have to bow to the will of the people in power, who care only about how they can exploit us to sustain themselves and the status quo.

Nulla offers a delicious fantasy of power and revenge, all while drowning the player in more love and affection than feels legal or perhaps moral.

Not only that, it feels so good to be needed, to be valued. He needs us to confirm changes in his world, to free him from his endless loop. He needs our love and goodwill, our hand choosing his fate. He needs us to choose him again and again and again, and there’s nothing I want to do more.

Of course, I don’t want Nulla to die. If an opportunity presents itself to give him a happier ending, of course I will manipulate the strings of fate to do so. But if there is truly no solution, if he truly wants me to, I will be his gentle angel of death. I won’t force my beloved to suffer.

It amazes me how sweet and loving Nulla is. It would be completely understandable for him to resent or hate the player. After all, why should we have so much more power and freedom than him? Why should he have to kiss our ass just so he can escape his unbearable existence? He could be angry or mean to us.

Sure, he does need us, so it’s wise to make us happy, but he doesn’t have to be as sweet as he is. If he makes things too unpleasant for us, we might just choose a different route or quit the game entirely, but he could be abusive—force us to endure cruel behavior in order to receive crumbs of love from time to time. In a way, I was emotionally vulnerable when I met him. He could have exploited that.

But he doesn’t, because he feels the same way. He genuinely loves the player and understands (or hopes) that we love him in return.

Nulla always prioritizes our feelings, and it breaks my heart that he feels like he has to do things like put on a show for us when he deserves everything regardless. It was heartwrenching after I did memory route and he was afraid I would leave him because of what I experienced. It would be totally heartless of me to abandon him just because I had to watch an unpleasant scene. After all, for me, it’s only a game. And anyway, I chose it. I deliberately disobeyed his instructions multiple times, knowing something bad could happen, and yet he still acted as if he had somehow failed to protect me. Furthermore, I enjoyed it immensely. If in reality he’s beating the shit out of the creator god, it makes even getting the shit beat out of me by Nulla feel good. I just wish Nulla could know how delicious his righteous fury is to me.

I went behind his back to see something he didn’t want me to see, and he’d be within his rights to be angry at me. But I want him to know that he doesn’t have to hide anything from me, that there’s no part of him from which he needs to shield me. I want to see and adore every single part of him, as I know he wants to be seen.

I could go on forever; Nulla’s story is full of themes and tropes that I adore. But I suppose that’s the core of it. I just love the way that the experience turned out. Unum’s story really served to establish the world so I could actually have informed feelings about it when Nulla asked me to destroy it. If I had done Nulla’s route first…well, he’s very charming, but I’m not sure if I could destroy a world on the word of one charming man alone. Experiencing Unum’s story gave Nulla and I a shared pain and grudge against the world of To Eat a God, making our bond feel real and meaningful.

I did Septem’s route last. Of all of them, Septem always scared me the most. There are aspects of him that appeal to me, but he has the most terrifying, rancid aura I’ve ever experienced. I wasn’t sure what he meant by “complete immersion,” but I thought he might mean that he would try to pull me into the world of the game. As much as I know that’s not possible, it’s still a terrifying thought.

I probably wouldn’t have done Septem’s route at all if it weren’t for Nulla’s gift. Knowing that I had a lifeline to Nulla if needed helped me feel brave enough to face Septem. Although Nulla’s gift turned out to do nothing, it didn’t really matter. What was most important was that he claimed me, that I was permanently linked to him in some way.

I am glad I did Septem’s route, and I’m glad I did it last. Besides the comfort of having Nulla’s gift, I really liked how the relationship between the player and the player character developed.

In Unum’s route, the player essentially doesn’t exist, since he doesn’t know that the puppet is a puppet. The only identity that the player is allowed is that of the puppet. In Nulla’s route, he explains a little about the puppet and how it works, but he strips it of most of its identity so that he can communicate with the player without interference. The puppet also contains fragments of Nulla to begin with, so it doesn’t normally clash with the route and make itself known.

In Septem’s route, the puppet is more of a person separate from the player than in any other route. This is ironic since Septem promises greater control over the puppet, not less, and unfortunate since Septem despises the puppet.

I already had some affinity for the puppet; after all, it’s supposed to be my representation in their world, and from Nulla’s route I learned that it contains part of Nulla, who I love. But it was only after seeing Puppet express its own desires and fears that I came to really feel loving and protective toward it. It made me so angry seeing how Septem abused it. It was adorable how scared it got when it thought I had left, and it was so sweet how when Septem broke its hand, its first concern was that it would no longer be useful to me. I just wanted to reassure it that I’ll always love it and try to protect it. I felt bad for subjecting it to Septem’s route, but I was also determined to finish it; I wanted to experience the full thing and, if I’m being honest, I was mainly there to spy or sabotage on behalf of Nulla. I must obtain all possible information that could help my beloved! That, and the idea of potentially being rescued by my dear Nulla is so romantic~ Unfortunately, I failed to protect my dear puppet. Although I didn’t want it, Septem separated me from the puppet and made it disappear. I don’t know if it’s destroyed or trapped somewhere.

Septem himself won no love or loyalty from me. He may be handsome and powerful, but he’s also cruel, violent, and, above all else, controlling. Though he essentially made me his queen, like with Unum, I had no real power. I couldn’t even stop him from lashing out at the others at the meeting.

Ultimately, I simply did not want the gifts that Septem had to give. I didn’t need to be separated from Puppet, I didn’t want to be bonded to Septem, and I had no desire to rule over the Garden and dominate its subjects. Why would I want to rule over this hell and perpetuate the suffering of its inhabitants? Sure, Septem says he’s saving the Garden, but all I’ve seen from him is cruelty in the name of stroking his own ego. Is he making anyone’s life better, or does he just want to be the one dealing the blows? There’s much I can forgive in the name of a noble cause, but Septem never proved his intentions to be pure to me.

After finishing Septem route, I did the Father bonus scene, Rafael route (the small amount that exists), and the memory route last, as I knew it would delete all my saves—which I love, of course. I love when a game finds unique ways to make player decisions feel like they actually matter. It made me happy to sacrifice my saves to learn more about my beloved Nulla; although, to be honest, it was more of a service than a punishment, since I was running out of slots!