Better BELIEVE boss is getting my previous emails forwarded with a slightly passive-aggressive note: "Agreed! Important we stay on top of these! Just pinging this as a reminder of what I need from you in order to complete this task. Looking forward to getting this sorted out quickly! Thanks for your cooperation :)"

But as I'm reading it back, I just got hit with this overwhelming wave of gratitude that I DON'T need to be sending emails/messages like this anymore.

I'm so happy to not be working with or for anyone else right now. I create my own schedule, set my own tasks & goals, work at my own pace, keep myself accountable and have the freedom to completely pivot if needed any time I want. And it is fucking glorious.

Not saying I'll never want to work with other people again. But... maybe I won't? To be honest.

(Though, to be fair, I don't want to ANYTHING with ANYONE these days so that's probably colouring my opinion right now.)

I certainly will make the choice to not work with people who communicate poorly, struggle to follow through on things needed of them, set huge goals but avoid the planning needed to achieve those goals, then fall into a state of panic/frenzy every time deadlines get close and they don't even know where to start, etc.

I can make that choice moving forward and I know that is not something I want in my life anymore.

But I really think I'd be healed if I could just disappear to a little house tucked away in the woods somewhere for a few months.

Like not needing to see anyone, not having anyone expect anything of me, totally free to adjust to my own natural circadian rhythm, cook & eat what I want when I want, rest as needed, etc. Even just being free to exist in my own level of cleanliness that is tolerable to me and aligns with the spoons I possess at any given moment. All of these things without guilt or shame. Just BEING for a while.

I truly feel I'd regulate so quickly and become a functional human again.

But, alas, that's not my reality. And the majority of my difficulty is coming from dumb shit like, "My hormones fucked me up one day, I took a nap I didn't mean to take cuz my body felt like it was completely shutting down, and now it's been DAYS of fatigue, migraines, inflammation, insomnia and so much stress, pressure, guilt for feeling like I'm constantly falling behind and making everyone else's lives difficult."

I wish I could listen to my body, take the nap, then just adjust my days so I could work, clean, eat, sleep, be active, etc. whenever just feels doable and right. I've been fighting AGAINST myself every second of everyday all week and the more I fight, the worse I feel. And all the ways all the people around me are affected, bothered, frustrated, disappointed keep piling up.

Lemme go live in the woods, dammit!

Today, the Munchkin stayed home and I had a ton of work to do, so he decided to walk over to the public library. A couple days ago, we noticed they have a 3D printer there with a staff who runs it, so he wanted to go learn how the software works and see if he can print something.

I was fatigued BEYOND fatigue, so I ended up lying down and falling asleep instead of working while he was gone.

I wish I'd written down the details of the dream I had as soon as I woke up cuz now I can't remember at all. But I know the Munchkin was there and I must have broken or misplaced or messed up something important. I was so overwhelmed and overstimulated, I just kind of sat down and started getting all teary-eyed.

And this Dream Kid came over to me, held my hands with tears in his eyes, and started talking me down. "I don't want you to be stressed out. It's okay. This is just a little issue but we can figure it out. Don't worry. You can feel upset but just remember it's going to be okay." And then I started full on sobbing.

I think it was Real Life Me feeling so overwhelmed and just managing through all the things lately, Dream Me decided to self-regulate. And Dream Munchkin just sat with me and let me cry. He got a bit teary too, but mostly just being there with me.

I was aware, in my dream, that this was a reverse of so many times I've had with the Munchkin throughout his life. He knew to sit with me through my big feelings cuz that's what I do for him.

I was also aware, in my dream, that I felt safe to have those big feelings around him. Often in recent times, he will apologize after a big meltdown and I remind him he doesn't need to apologize for feeling upset. So I didn't apologize to him or try to downplay it ("Mommy's okay. I'm sorry for scaring you. I was just feeling sad, but everything is fine! 😁"). We just let the moment exist then we both got up to fix whatever thing had triggered my emotions.

I woke up just as the kid got back home from the library. I was so happy and grateful to see him, even though I knew that moment was only in my dream. I still felt it.

He was excited about the 3D printer, so he ran into my room and threw himself across my stomach and we just lay there while he told me all about how it worked and what he'd made.

Later, we went to pick up his finished print and stop at the grocery store. It started raining just as we were leaving. He remembered the umbrella, I didn't even think of it. The rain was on and off through both stops and I kept saying, "It's fine, it's just a little summer drizzle, it's warm, whatever." As we left the grocery, though, a full force thunderstorm started, though. We were about a block from the house and saw my mom running with her sweater over her head. The Munchkin yelled at me to stop, jumped out of the car with the umbrella and held it to walk her home before I could even really register what was happening. After I parked in the garage, I just ran to the house and found the Munchkin at the door, about to come hold the umbrella for me as well.

A bit later, we made dinner together and while I did some of the more specific tasks and explained what we were doing, he cooked the majority of it himself.

There were only a handful of times we ever really had what felt like disagreements (aside from the whole period of the fallout from my New Friend). But when those disagreements happened, I really didn't understand what was going on and the broken communication was what turned it into an actual disagreement. The handful of times it happened, I was genuinely so confused.

There was once I kept asking him what was wrong cuz he was acting very cold and seething angry towards me, but he insisted nothing was wrong. When he finally told me why he was mad, I was so confused because he added a completely different layer of meaning to something I said in passing the day prior. He'd been stewing on this thing that I never actually said for a whole day. I didn't even think my statement COULD be interpreted that way.

A couple times, he read a certain action or inaction of mine to have a specific meaning about how I felt about our relationship or how much I cared about him. I had no idea that's what he interpreted because there was no such deeper meaning, and he also didn't communicate that this was how he felt (a lot of these specific examples came out at the very end of our relationship and I was shocked).

There was one instance, the only time we ever actually argued (raised voices, frustrated language) and I didn't understand what he was actually angry about until sometime last year... this is years after we've broken up. I don't know how it just struck me, but I finally clicked what he might have been implying - we had a huge argument about the fact that I'd had a bottle of wine at my house and the next time he came over, the wine was finished. I was so confused, was he implying I was abusing alcohol? Was he angry that I didn't save it for him (though we never drank wine together, so why would I?)? Why was he getting SO angry, and more angry the more I tried to understand? Total confusion. I finally just realized that maybe he was implying that I'd had it with another man.

The thing is... every instance of him being angry and me being confused was made worse by him feeling like I was just brushing it aside, or belittling the issue, or avoiding accountability. To him, it was so obvious what bothered him and I was adding insult to injury by "playing dumb."

Where the truth is in every instance, I literally had NO IDEA what he was upset about because those assumptions or misunderstanding he was making were SO DIFFERENT from my way of thinking, it didn't even occur to me. They were so different from what I perceived our relationship to be, I wouldn't even have considered that he might be viewing me in that way.

His life & his mind are so stuck in a space of deception, disrespect, passive-aggressiveness, manipulation, etc., especially in regards to women, that he could only assume that's what I was doing.

Those things are so far from my personality and I actively avoid those who act this way, so I just don't even think of that as a potential reason for conflict.

His mom passing away really felt like a tipping point when I noticed he just hasn't been not-an-ass since then.

This isn't the biggest example but it is the one that is the most... confusing or concerning to me?

He & the Munchkin have been watching all the Marvel movies together. A while ago, I noticed he kept saying they hadn't watched any more. This summer, the kid set up our projector in his bedroom here & has been binge watching the movies. The other day he told me he's trying to catch up so that maybe he & Deuce can watch the new Spiderman movie together in theatres. 😞

They were also waiting for the new live action A:TLA. Deuce watched the original animated series a lot when he was younger. He introduced the Munchkin to it and now it's one of the Munchkin's favourite shows, they've watched every episode multiple times. The new season of the remake was released while the Munchkin & I were in BC, so the kid asked Deuce if it would be okay for him to watch a couple episodes with me then they'd finish the rest together. WEEKS went by and again when I'd ask if he and his dad had watched any more, he'd say no Deuce hadn't caught up so he was just waiting.

Then one day he said, "No. Dad watched the the first 6 episodes without me."

I was so confused. He'd been patiently waiting for his dad to catch up so they could watch their favourite show together, but then Deuce just went ahead and watched without him? Apparently Deuce said, "Am I supposed to just wait for you to get back?" as though it was an inconvenience.

McScuse me????

I've asked the Munchkin to keep watching with me but now he seems like he doesn't want to see it at all? Fucking hell.

A couple weeks ago, on a day he was at Deuce's house, the Munchkin asked to stay home from camp (missing a field trip) to hang out with my niece and her friend who was visiting from out of town. Late the night before, my sister told me the friend had to reschedule so my niece was going to camp after all. I messaged Deuce to let him know the change and suggested he double check with my sister in the morning to confirm that plans were cancelled. I woke up the next morning to Deuce & the Munchkin in my front doorway, the Munchkin visibly upset and Deuce... lecturing at him? He does this thing where he says words like he's being compassionate but he's actually belittling and making the kid feel stupid for being upset: "Well, see, now you're pouting and upset - yes you are, you're clearly pouting - but... you should have known this would happen, right? Okay well now you can move on from this and next time you'll know to do better!" (In the most condescending voice you can imagine.)

Deuce DIDN'T tell the Munchkin the change of plan, instead asked him, "Are you sure niece's friend is coming over today? Did you check with your aunt?" But why would the Munchkin expect to have to double check AGAIN if he knew the plan previously? Obviously if anything changed, someone would tell him. (Like my sister told me, I told Deuce, I expected Deuce to tell him.) But Deuce wanted "a teachable moment/natural consequences" cuz he thought the Munchkin was being irresponsible for not listening to him and calling my sister.

So then MY day became trying to cheer up this kid (who wasn't even supposed to be home that day; I'd had other plans) and offer suggestions of other fun things he could do. Going to camp late wasn't even an option, cuz he missed the field trip.

Deuce has kind of always been an asshole to me. Even when we were together, I just didn't realize it for what it was. But he prides himself so much on being the "cool, involved, fun" Dad. That's literally like 80% of his personal identity. He is one of those guys who parents extra loudly in public so people will hear what a great dad he is.

So the fact that he's so blatantly disappointing or even intentionally trying to hurt his kid is... weird. And frustrating. And concerning.