A little more about today
The end of last week was a thing: the boys were off to their dads on Wednesday afternoon school but came to collect their stuff. I went into Toronto for a climate week event we were involved with on Thursday. I drove myself and it took 1h to get in and 3h to get out!
From Thursday evening until Sunday morning I was to & fro with J, somewhat haphazardly, but nicely.
Saturday morning I hosted brunch for a couple friends, Saturday night I had a dog from another friend. I’d just got her to bed and gone to sleep myself when J arrived, so we all got up and went out for a walk. Student cities are fun places on a Saturday night (although damn they make you feel old).
Today I realised the children were back in town so asked if they wanted to come hear me sing. No answer, which stung. Plus a passive aggressive message from their dad which stung less but was still crappy.
J left around noon today, and I took the dog for a longer walk. People were SO chatty, so much out and about-ness. I had a team of treasure-hunters on bikes ask me neighbourhood questions and saw some acquaintances and someone else asked me to text his sister bc his phone died and it was all lovely.
I also spent a measured 10 minutes just feeling. Trying not to think. Just feeling my body and my heart and being in the moment. That was quite the experience.
Got back & ready for my concert. Feeling pretty good about how I was showing up. But something happened and I don’t quite know about what it was but I ended up with tears pouring. I took myself out of the first half audience. Sat quietly a bit, but was still unsettled. Then went outside. An acquaintance asked how I was and I could barely answer. Just so choked up. She walked with me and just listened. I couldn’t really explain but she just stuck with me and asked what might help me sing our parts. I asked if she’d mind me standing beside her, which she said of course to. So I did, and I sang and it was really really healing.
I ASKED FOR HELP AND WAS VULNERABLE AND THE WORLD DID NOT END WITH EVERYONE HATING ME BUT INSTEAD A NICE PERSON GAVE ME THE SUPPORT I ASKED FOR AND TOGETHER WE DID A GOOD JOB.
(Perhaps there’s a life lesson in there somewhere???!!!!!!!)
Anyway, after the concert there was a picnic which was lovely. It’s the last time I will see most of them until September.
And as a literal final conversation, I found out that I was the last waitlisted person to be let in. I very nearly didn’t make it. And when I told the membership coordinator(who told me this) how much it had meant to me to be able to sing with the group, we both had a little cry.
So yeah. ALL OF THE FEELINGS.
