Unstuck Advice

Rachel Cohen is a licensed New York social worker, freelance writer, and Fordham grad. She currently works at the Association of Community Employment (ACE), assisting the homeless population in finding full-time jobs. She loves writing about social work, self-care, mental health, and vocational development.

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For the last three years that I worked as a digital editorial director, I loathed not only my job, but also my career. “Loathed” is a pretty strong word, but it’s accurate. I felt dread at the first hint of my alarm clock every day. What’s worse, I felt despair every night, thinking that I was powerless and that this feeling would never end.

Depressed, I tried to eat away my problems — my typical solution — which led to major weight gain. I was sick and lethargic, often from the stress.  

I didn’t have the nerve to quit, and instead I fantasized about getting fired. At the same time, I continued trying to do a good job. This disconnect between wanting out and still trying to do well only added to my stress.

The voice inside

I realized, slowly, that I wanted to make a huge career shift. A voice inside me kept telling me to check out social work. At first, I ignored it: That was ridiculous! But it wouldn’t go away, and over time, I realized that this was what I really wanted.

I finally got up the courage to share my dream with other people. I hoped that saying the words, “I want to be a social worker,” out loud, to someone else, would make the career shift I was contemplating feel more real. I also hoped it would make me accountable for moving forward.

I opened up to a longtime acquaintance, a social worker herself. Her immediate response: “Why on earth would you do that?!”

She was just one of a number of naysayers I encountered early on. Looking back, I realize that they weren’t trying to be unsupportive or unkind; I think they honestly just couldn’t imagine me outside my existing career — it was too tied up with the picture they had of me.

Seeing myself a different way

In truth, I suffered from this same mental block. I was stuck for a long time simply because I was unable to really picture myself on a different path.

I was also hung up that the next thing wouldn’t be the “perfect fit” and afraid I’d have egg on my face for failing. I didn’t realize then that when it comes to finding my path in life, trial and error is required, which means there’s really no such thing as failure.

A life coach friend of mine encouraged me to think of exploring a new career as an exciting expedition rather than a daunting task. The notion of “just exploring” took the pressure off. I worked up the courage to attend an open house for social work school. Unfortunately, its presenters gave me the (false) impression that keeping my current job and easing into school part-time would be impossible. I was frightened off. Two more years passed.

“This is doable.”

I finally realized that any move was better than remaining unhappily stagnant. I think the catalyst was finally meeting someone who had made a career change like the one I was considering. She had gone from being a Wall Street trader to a mental-health counselor. I realized how commonplace changing careers can be. She was honest about the potential challenges I’d face, but in the end, I realized it was doable. Period.

After that chat, I was ready to move forward…sort of. The day I quit, I went into the office of my closest friend at work and begged her to “make me do it.” I needed one last nudge to take the plunge. Later that day I told my boss I was leaving. I remember holding back from vomiting. My hands trembled.

Relief came in small doses after I gave notice. Pride and indignation came later. My second-to-last week, there was a staff meeting regarding low morale. One boss announced that work was not a prison and if we didn’t like it, we should quit. I declared my independence in my last week by wearing an orange shirt with a prison number on it to show that this convict was busting out.

Terrified to commit

Despite the bravado, I didn’t make a beeline for social work school. I freelanced for a spell and moved a few times first, including a short stay with my folks. I needed to figure out finances. I also needed to time to breathe and convince myself this was the right way to go before committing. I was terrified of committing.

I eventually came to terms with the fact that I was going to be fretful throughout this transition; not just because I’m a grade-A neurotic, but also because changing careers can be nerve-racking for anyone. I found motivation by consistently envisioning myself happy in my new career. I also reminded myself that for years, my gut had been telling me, “go do social work!” — and I was finally listening.

True nature, true calling

Today, I am happily employed as a vocational social worker. I help homeless people secure full-time employment. I'm so much more at ease with my life in a way that I've never felt before.

Every once in a while, I think, “Wow, this is weird: I'm a social worker and not an editor anymore.” It's challenging to live on a reduced salary, and I miss my coworkers, who had truly become like family. But I'm content and am sure I’m in the right place.

It’s summer. Finally. So we start to fantasize about a trip to the beach, only to interrupt our reverie with fear or loathing about how we’ll look in a bathing suit. Or we go to the beach, but when our friends peel off their extra layers to jump in the water, we hang back. We don’t want to expose the parts of us that are too big, too small, too lumpy — too imperfect.

If this resonates, you’re not alone. One survey found that 89 percent of American women are unhappy with their weight. And men are hardly immune from the pressures to look a certain way. As Shape recently reported, the implications of a negative body image strongly affect our happiness:

Researchers from Chapman University in California surveyed over 12,000 participants about their body image and attitudes about their overall happiness and satisfaction with life while collecting height and weight data. They found that — for both men and women — body image plays a big role in how satisfied with our lives we feel overall. For women, satisfaction with their appearance was the third largest predictor for how good they felt about the rest of their lives, coming in behind financial satisfaction and satisfaction with their love lives. And, surprisingly, for men it was the second strongest predictor, only falling behind financial satisfaction.

It’s no accident that we dwell on how we look in our bathing suits, rather than what we can do in them, says body image expert Dr. Robyn Silverman. In this article, she critiques a pre-teen magazine that asks young girls to consider what bathing suit style is best for their body type:

(It) sends a message to girls that they need to be thinking about how they look — form over function — when it comes to swim suits.

Of course, teen magazines could have a lot of fun with bathing suit styles by flipping the conversation and asking; “What bathing suit style is best for what you LOVE to do?” or “What bathing suit patterns reflect your personality?”

Now that is helpful. How can we shift our focus to what our bodies can do rather than how they look?

Undoing negative thoughts about our bodies doesn’t happen overnight. For today, though, here are a few questions you might ask yourself:

How would it feel to savor the sensation of warm sun on my skin?

How would my body feel being immersed in water on a stiflingly hot day?

How might swimming help me relax or exercise more?

Then, ask yourself:

Am I willing to give up these pleasures for the rest of my life?

It may also help to remind yourself that most people at the beach or pool are feeling sensitive about their bodies, too. They may not show it, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t as nervous or embarrassed as you are. Let’s use that knowledge to find the courage to take off our T-shirt or cover-up.

And of course, there are other ways to relish the joys of summer that don’t require revealing so much skin. Feeling the grass in between your toes, gardening, brewing tea in the sun. The more we tune into outdoor pleasures, the more we realize that we are remarkable creatures who are about so much more than how we look.

If you are struggling with this issue, then depending on the roots and intensity of your negative body image, it might be worth considering speaking with a professional.

More ways to get Unstuck:

The danger of comparing ourselves to others

The perils of perfectionism — and what to do about it

We’ve been helping people get unstuck for almost five years now (actually, make that 22 years, which is how long our parent company, SYPartners, has been helping business leaders get unstuck). Along the way, we’ve learned a lot about what it takes to move someone from thinking about change to making one.

Later this summer, we’re debuting an online course designed to arm you with a personalized blueprint for change. For now, we have five pieces of core advice that can help you find the courage, motivation, momentum, support, and perspective to leap into the unknown.

Practice getting outside your comfort zone.

Truth: One of the reasons we avoid change is the ambiguity that comes with it. We don’t know exactly what will happen. If we let this fear stop us, we may never open ourselves up to some of life’s most fulfilling experiences. One way to fight the fear is to practice doing more things that scare us. Think of it like lifting weights: We’re strengthening emotional muscles.

Try this: Write down one thing you can do in the next month that scares you, whether it’s rock-climbing, saying “no” to someone, or going out to dinner alone. Afterward, write down how taking this leap made you feel.

Bonus points: Do it again next month, and the month after that.

Imagine what things will look like after the change.

Truth: For many of us, the idea of making a change brings up feelings of fear and discomfort. It takes motivation to push past those emotional obstacles to keep going. In these moments, nothing spurs us on more than having a clear picture of how much better things will be on the other side.

Try this: Imagine a day in your life after you reach your goal. Write down three ways that day will be awesome. If you’re more visually inclined, you might want to find images that represent how great things will be.

Take one small step, then another.

Truth: As the saying goes, "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." Contemplating the enormity of all that’s before you isn’t going to propel you forward. Taking tiny action will boost your energy and optimism.

Try this: Identify one small, manageable thing you can do this week to move toward your goal, then do it. Notice the positive feelings you experience when you take action on your own behalf. Now take another small step forward. Before you know it, change will be underway.

Choose the right support network. Truth: Change can be lonely when you try to handle it all by yourself. It helps to recruit people who can act as sounding boards and help you stay motivated. There are no brownie points for going it alone.

Try this: Write down the names of two people who can give you a pep talk when you need it. Now write down two other people who would be great at helping you talk things through when you’re suffering a crisis of confidence or hit a roadblock.

Bonus points: Call, text or email one of them right now to ask for help. (Need help asking for help? We’ve got you covered.)

Expect failure — and don’t let it stop you.

Truth: When we find the courage to try something new and it doesn’t work out, it can knock the wind out of our sails. We may question whether the change is worth it, or even possible. But what if failure weren’t such a shock to our system? What if we expected to fail, sometimes spectacularly, on the path to achieving our goals? What if we focused on how to respond to failure rather than how to avoid it?

Try this: Think of a recent mistake and examine it for what you've learned. Then try again, using that experience. If you need help picking yourself back up, call on your support network to buoy you (see No. 4 above). Spark your motivation by refocusing on the vision you created for your future (see No. 2). Renew energy and optimism by identifying one small step you can take to move forward (No. 3). And keep finding opportunities to get more comfortable with discomfort (No. 1).

Good luck. We’d love to hear from you: What changes are you contemplating? Did you find these strategies helpful? What other approaches have you found useful?

It’s 11 p.m., and I can’t stop scrolling through Facebook on my iPhone.

My bedroom is dark. I know better than this. I should be reading, or meditating, or stretching — something relaxing and screen-free before bed.

Instead, I’m scrolling. My thumbs are sore from typing. I want to stop, but I can’t.

Eventually, I snap out of the trance. It takes a lot of willpower, but I force myself to put down my phone. I start to tune in to how tired I am, and as my head touches the pillow, I wonder at the power of a little device to get between me and the rest that I so sorely need.

I’m not alone. And it’s no accident: social media is engineered to be addictive. Some therapists are even offering treatment for social media addiction — and as journalist Sarah Kessler found, our issues with social media are often a mirror for larger anxieties.

So when we find ourselves using social media not because we want to, but because we just can’t stop, what can we do to break the spell?

We can start by getting curious. As psychiatrist Judson Brewer explains in a TED talk, curiosity can be a powerful tool when it comes to breaking bad habits. In Brewer’s lab, rather than forcing people to quit smoking, he and his team invite them to be curious about it:

We said, "Go ahead and smoke, just be really curious about what it's like when you do."

And what did they notice? Well, here's an example from one of our smokers. She said, "Mindful smoking: smells like stinky cheese and tastes like chemicals, YUCK!"

Now, she knew, cognitively that smoking was bad for her, that's why she joined our program. What she discovered just by being curiously aware when she smoked was that smoking tastes like shit.

How do we become curious about our social media compulsions? What questions can we ask ourselves in the moment to help transition ourselves into behaviors that feel more satisfying?

Maybe we close our eyes and ask ourselves:

How does my body feel right now?

Do I like that feeling?

If not, what might feel better?

If I had asked myself those questions on the night in question, or on so many other nights, I might have tuned into the soreness of my thumbs and the glazed-over feeling in my brain. I might have craved, suddenly, the relief of lying down on my soft bed with the weight of my favorite blanket on top of me. I might have made a choice that was nourishing rather than depleting.

The good news is that every moment represents an opportunity to make a different choice.

In a world that seems to reward those who shout the loudest, humility can feel like an outdated virtue. In fact, it’s an essential quality to cultivate as we try to get (and stay) unstuck in all areas of our lives.

At its core, humility is the absence of arrogance. We like humble people. They’re not trying to impress anyone. They’re at ease with themselves. They can take a compliment without letting it go to their head. They think inclusively. They give people the benefit of the doubt. They share things rather than showing them off. They say thanks, and they mean it.

Humble people aren’t attached to being the best. They know what they’re good at, and what they aren’t so good at. Humility, then, is actually the truest form of confidence. And it’s liberating.

Humility doesn’t always come naturally. But it’s a skill we can practice and learn. Often, being humble simply means taking the time to think twice. For example, look at the difference humility makes in these situations:

Someone does better at something that you’ve always been good at.

Instant reaction: You feel threatened and defensive. I need to one-up them. I don’t want to look like a loser.

Humble rethink: You see the chance to learn to do it better. It’s not like it’s a contest. Maybe I can ask this person for some pointers.

Someone tells you how to do something you already know how to do.

Instant reaction: You feel indignant and insulted. Does she think I’m an idiot? Why would she assume I don’t know what I’m doing?

Humble rethink: You put yourself in their shoes. There’s no reason for her to assume I already know this. She’s only trying to be helpful.

You’re enjoying a big success.

Instant reaction: You feel proud. Woo-hoo! I deserve this.

Humble rethink: You still feel proud — and, you take time to express gratitude. I feel really grateful to the people who helped make this happen. I’ll be sure to let them know.

In the week ahead, watch for an opportunity to practice being more humble. Maybe it’ll happen during a meeting at work, or in a conversation with a family member or friend. Be on the lookout, and let us know how it goes.

Other ways to refresh your mindset:

How to have a better day

Getting rejected stinks, plain and simple. We wanted something — a job, a fresh opportunity, a relationship with someone — and we didn’t get it. What’s to like about that?

Nothing — right?

Even worse than the initial sting of rejection is the ripple effect it can have on our lives. We start to doubt ourselves. Our motivation plummets. We’re afraid to put ourselves out there again.

Here are three strategies for getting past the awful feelings that rejection brings with it (for more tips like this delivered straight to your inbox, sign up for the Unstuck Advice email):

1. Trust that it isn’t personal.

We know — rejection feels personal. But the truth is, when someone doesn’t choose us — professionally, romantically, or otherwise — it’s not proof of our value (or lack of value).

Instead of seeing rejection as a reflection of who you are (He doesn’t want to date me, so I must not be dateable), consider what it tells you about the other person’s needs, which are outside of your control: Pressure their boss is putting on them, a headache, or the coincidence that you happen to look exactly like their ex-girlfriend (the one that broke their heart).

The rejection may still hurt, but you can start to see it as a decision that affects you, as opposed to a decision that defines you.

2. Give yourself credit.

Rejection is actually evidence of your courage.

Trying something makes us vulnerable, which makes trying one of the bravest things you can do. Tell yourself,  “It stinks that I didn’t get what I wanted — and, I’m proud of myself for taking a chance.”

Acknowledging your bravery is the first step to screwing up the courage to try again.

3. Try saying “Yes, and.”

Saying “yes, and” in the face of rejection allows us to acknowledge the negative (Yes, it stinks that I didn’t get the job) while also acknowledging something positive that is equally true (And, I’m more confident than ever about the direction I want my career to take).

Try saying “yes, and” to rejection and see how it opens you up to a new way of looking at things.

Rejection doesn’t have to be the end of the story. These strategies can help you find the energy and spirit to try again.

More ways to live courageously:

What prevents us from asking for help?

How to stop being a reluctant confronter

Giving advice can be easy.

— If it’s really bothering you, just talk to him about it. — You should make sure to negotiate your salary. — Definitely get a second opinion.

So why don’t we listen to our own words of wisdom?

— My situation’s more complicated, we think. — I don’t want to give the wrong impression, we reason. — I don’t have the time, we explain.

Beneath all this rationalizing is a fear of some sort, and it blocks us from embracing what we know, in our gut, to be the right path forward.

Here are 5 ways to take your own best advice:

1. Flip the “but.” When considering our own very reasonable advice, we sometimes react with a fearful “but”: I should get another quote, but I don’t want to offend my friend. I need to call attention to this problem, but my superiors might not understand. Our emotions want to make excuses. Flip those “but” statements by reinforcing your reasoning: I don’t want to offend my friend, but I should get another quote because my budget is really limited and this isn’t personal. My superiors might not understand, but I need to call attention to this problem because if we don’t address it now it will only get worse. 

2. Ask your own advice. Before you get advice from anyone else, come up with your own ideas about what to do. Imagine how you’d advise a friend in the same situation. And when giving advice, pause to ask yourself, Have I ever needed to hear this too? Do I follow this advice myself?

3. Double-check your insight. Think of your friends and advisors as a sounding board — a way to get extra clarity and solidify your own insights. For instance: “I think this is what I need to do. Do you think I’m overreacting?” Notice that you’re asking for feedback, not advice.

4. Don’t stop at “should.” Knowing what’s in your best interest and doing it are two different things. Saying “I should” isn’t a full commitment. Promise yourself to it with an action-oriented “I will” or “I must.”

5. Write your own book of advice. Start a notebook where you jot down the tips and words of comfort you give (or would give) others. Over time, you’ll compile your very own personal advice columns, which will come in handy when you’re feeling out of sorts.

That person’s got what it takes to succeed.

What is the “it”? Smarts? Vision? Creativity? Those are great qualities, but they can’t make a full impact without another ingredient: determination to get things done — in a word, grit.

Grit keeps us going when things get tough. It pushes us toward the finish line when we’re too far away to see it. When we get stuck, grit insists there has to be another way.

Psychologists have recently found that the grittier a person is, the likelier they are to succeed. The connection is so strong that grit is a better predictor of success than raw talent or high IQ.*

Whether or not you’re naturally gritty, it’s the kind of mettle you can develop. It comes down to believing that change — in your abilities and circumstances — is always possible through your own actions.

This is what goes on in a gritty frame of mind:

• Growth is always possible. You know you can expand your abilities. You choose to learn from, rather than judge yourself for, the things you didn’t do well.

• Change presents opportunities. When you’re faced with change, you stay positive. Resisting change (I hate starting over. What a waste of time. I’ll never see the point of this.) makes the problem grow bigger in our minds. Adapting to change (Why not? Maybe it’ll surprise me. At least I’ll learn something new.) keeps us thinking in solution-oriented ways, which becomes second nature over time.

• Hard work is sometimes hard. You keep an eye on the bigger picture. You’re willing to make sacrifices for the end result. You know that setbacks are only temporary.

• Achievements don’t happen overnight. You’re in it for the long haul. You set your goals with a sense of purpose and realistic milestones. So there’s all the more reason to stick with the plan and less temptation to hit snooze or reset.

Stuck moment: I didn’t skip her party because I don’t care. I’m just trying to be responsible about how I spend my money. That means pulling back on the fun stuff. But she doesn’t understand — she doesn’t know what it’s like to struggle.

* * *

Money is important. It’s hard to get by without it. We do our best to earn more, save well, and spend wisely so we can do the things we want to do. But sometimes it feels like it’s never enough.

That’s when we start worrying about the things we can’t afford. We don’t take that vacation. We bail on an outing with friends. We can become so frugal that we get stingy with ourselves — and lose sight of why we’re saving money in the first place. We might even get resentful.

When financial discipline turns into self-denial, we need to check our attitude. Take a look at the three beliefs below — they seem rooted in reality, but they can be signs that we have a skewed view of money’s role in our lives. If any ring true, answer the questions to help gain perspective, then try the tips to adjust your financial focus.

I CAN’T AFFORD THE THINGS I NEED.

Zoom out: What are the things that are important to you? What do you already have? What do you need to feel satisfied?

Adjust your financial focus: Grab a piece of paper and draw this spectrum on it: 

Think of all the things you want and need to enjoy life and place them in the appropriate spot on the spectrum. Then rank them in order of importance. For everything you already have, take a moment for gratitude. For everything you’re working toward, pick one or two of the most important. Focus on these for now. Leave the rest for when you’re ready to take on more.

SPENDING IS DANGEROUS. IT’S SMARTER TO SAVE.

Zoom out: What are you saving for? What are you neglecting in order to save? Is there a better balance?

Adjust your financial focus: Keep up the smart saving but get comfortable with smart spending, too. Practice loosening the purse strings with small but meaningful investments in yourself: Maybe it’s related to a goal, like enrolling in a class, or something that brings you joy, like buying a thoughtful gift. Even when hardcore saving is necessary, you can set milestones for treating yourself. Saving becomes a happier process when you can enjoy what you’ve earned. (Responsibly, of course!)

MY PROBLEMS WON’T GO AWAY UNTIL I HAVE MORE MONEY.

Zoom out: What situations do you think money would solve? What steps can you take right now to address them?

Adjust your financial focus: We think about windfall solutions when the problem seems too big to manage. Money doesn’t have superpowers. You have the ability to solve your problems. Start by putting a positive spin on it. For instance, if you feel weighed down by student debt, remind yourself how you’ve benefited from your education. Then break down the problem, and your plan for the solution, into chunks that you can tackle over time. Celebrate your progress. The small wins will keep you from feeling defeated.

Life is complicated — but your motivation isn’t. Without exception, every action we take is motivated either by love or by fear. For example:

• Acting weird around someone we’re not sure about: Fear (What if we don’t get along? I don’t want to feel disliked by someone I don’t really connect with.)

• Offering constructive criticism, even though it makes you sweat: Love (I want this person to do well. I won’t withhold the information he needs to do that.)

• Telling someone it’s okay, even though you think it probably isn’t: Fear (I’m not sure how to tell him otherwise. He might react badly. I don’t want to feel bad about it.)

• Sharing the responsibility for a situation your partner created: Love (I care about improving this situation, for everyone involved. Blaming her for it won’t help change things.)

Whether it’s an everyday quibble (your boyfriend is being difficult) or a really big deal (your job is on the line), we’re all battling some level of fear and uncertainty. And that fear gets to be so familiar that choosing to act with love — which we all know is a good thing — comes less naturally.

But it’s worth the effort. Emotions and their intentions are contagious. Bring insecurity to the party, and you’ll find yourself in a corner. Enter a room with hope, and people will want to hear what you have to say. Your motivation is often a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Here are some tips to help you show up with love:

• Accept the fear. It’s okay to feel vulnerable. When we act with love, the things that worry us don’t go away — they get put in their place so we can get past them.

• Surface your intention. Underneath the fear you’ll find a good reason. Because I want to do the right thing. Because she needs this. Because this could be better. In sum: Because you care.

• Choose bravery. Love takes guts. When you face the hard truths or uncomfortable moments, you proudly stand by your intentions. And that feels great, no matter what the outcome.

So what’s motivating you?

PRINTABLE TIP CARD #34: 7 ways to act with love instead of fear

More ways to conquer fear:

Happy National Awkward Moments Day! Yes, it’s a real thing. The Internet says so.

And in honor of the day, we’re zooming in for a closer look at the topic. After all, an awkward moment is a type of stuck moment. And that got us wondering:

What separates the kind-of awkward from the truly awkward?

Of all the awkward moments people commonly encounter, what’s the most awkward?

Would it depend on a person’s age? gender? where they live?

Would there be a general consensus? What would it mean if there was, or wasn’t?

Is it actually possible to rank awkwardness?

To find out, we created a poll and asked anyone who wanted to answer which of 36 common but uncomfortable situations they found the most awkward.

Today, being National Awkward Moments Day, seems like the perfect time to reveal those results.

Here are the top 5 most awkward moments, ranked in order:

1. Someone asked you to review their work, but giving honest feedback might damage your relationship

2. You know your boss is wrong and you need to let him know

3 (tie). Someone keeps asking personal questions when it’s none of their business

3 (tie). Your officemate or roommate has bad hygiene or a habit that’s grossing you out

4. Someone blabs about something you told them in confidence

The poll also uncovered the similarities and differences in how we feel about awkwardness across different ages and genders and in different parts of the world.

We’ve assembled our key findings in the infographic below. In the spirit of Unstuck, and in celebration of National Awkward Moments Day, we invite you to take a look and embrace the awkward moments in life — they’re part of what makes us so wonderfully human.

Now you’re probably wondering, But where’s the advice? Unstuck loves to give advice! There’s plenty. We address every example from the poll, with tips to handle each one more gracefully, in our free downloadable guide: 40 Uncomfortable Moments and How to Handle Them.

VIEW AND DOWNLOAD THE FULL-SIZE INFOGRAPHIC: AN ANALYSIS OF AWKWARD

Methodology: Respondents were asked to answer two questions in order to rank the most awkward moment: The first question presented nine categories of common awkward situations; the second question was based on the chosen category, presenting specific examples of common awkward moments (36 total situations across the 9 categories). The poll was communicated through the Unstuck Advice newsletter, Facebook, Twitter, and LinkedIn. Results shown in the infographic are based on data provided by 342 respondents at the time of analysis. Demographic questions were optional; sample sizes were therefore slightly smaller for analyses based on age, gender, and location (302 for age, 301 for gender, 292 for location).

Deep down you know that things could be better. That promotion keeps slipping through your fingers, or a relationship’s feeling stale. You’re doing your part — what more is there?

Here’s an idea so simple that we often overlook it: Pay attention to how you’re paying attention. Because it’s when we think we know what’s going on that we’re likely to overlook things.

Consciously paying attention means we:

1. Make smart choices about where we focus our attention. 2. Recognize what we may not be able to give much attention to. 3. Keep adjusting as needed.

When we do all three, we remember the big picture and act accordingly. We notice more. We become more considerate. People are more responsive to us. We’re less frustrated, more engaged, and less likely to be caught off guard. Doing better gets easier.

To check your state of attention, use our 5 Ws (and 1 H) to see what really is — and isn’t — on your mind.

WHO do you think you are? You play different roles in different areas of your life. Imagine how people in those areas might describe you. Does it align with how you see yourself? If there’s room for misunderstanding, take steps to communicate better and fill in those gaps.

WHAT are your assumptions? The truth can change overnight, so it helps to test your beliefs from time to time: Are you taking what you do or how you do it for granted? Is there a better way? Seeing things from different angles will generate new insights and ideas.

WHERE is your focus? Is it scattered and fuzzy? Highly concentrated to the point of tunnel vision? Are you doubling down on what is comfortable instead of what’s pressing or unfamiliar?

WHEN do you get involved? Sometimes minding our own business is a way of politely putting blinders on. Try stretching your attention beyond the usual to see what else is going on. Could you participate more fully or share more information?

WHY are you doing what you’re doing? When we get comfortable, it’s easy to forget our motivation. On occasion, ask yourself: Why did I choose to do this in the first place? What makes it worthwhile? Has anything changed?

HOW do you connect? There are lots of systems that make up our lives: social networks, daily routines, workplace dynamics. How do you navigate and connect within yours? Where do you see yourself in these contexts? What could change?

Related advice: • Whose life is this, anyway? • Office politics for people who hate politics

Stuck moment: Oh no, oh no, oh no. I can’t believe my sister thought it was okay to repeat that joke I made about my brother and his fiancée before they started dating. Right in front of her! WHY? We just sat down to eat. How am I supposed to look her in the eye now?

Embarrassment sucks. It really, really does. Everything about it: the blushing, the flushing, the dumb realization that there’s no way to play it cool. It seems like everyone’s staring at you, judging you, and the moment will be burned into their memories forever.

But it’s probably not as bad as you think.

Getting embarrassed is normal human stuff. It happens because we’re self-conscious. We have an idea of how to look good or do things right, and we feel like we’ve fallen short, by way of some mishap or misfortune that catches us off guard.

Something you say comes out horribly wrong. A jealous coworker makes you target practice. A case of bad judgment turns into undeserved public humiliation.

Sure, some people may laugh (they’re thinking, Phew, glad it wasn’t me!) and it will be salt in the wound, but generally people will sympathize. Because they too know how it feels to be embarrassed. We’ve all been there.

While embarrassment might jangle your nerves, there are ways to muster up the mental and emotional strength to put it behind you and be better prepared for next time.

IN THE MOMENT

If you embarrass yourself, get a jump on it. Defuse the awkwardness by addressing it before someone else does. A self-deprecating joke is a sure tactic, but if you’re too flustered to be witty, default to an immediate “oops” or “sorry” statement (“Oops, that was embarrassing!” “Sorry about that — obviously not what I meant to do.”) Smile and move on.

If someone else embarrasses you, go to your zen place. It takes a lot of control, but don’t get defensive. The more neutral your reaction, the less power you give up — and the more obvious it will be that you don’t deserve to be treated that way.

YOUR NEXT STEP

When we’re lucky, we recover in the moment. Other times, we have to deal with feeling clumsy and red-faced and find a way forward. Our printable chart, After First Blush, will guide you to a good follow-up for your embarrassing situation. Use it to trace your way to the beliefs and tips that will help you finesse the situation.

DOWNLOAD THE PRINTABLE: After First Blush: Embarrassed and ready to move on? 8 tips to try when embarrassment strikes

Pop quiz: When is the last time you were none of these things?

• Worried • Anxious • Distracted • Scattered • Forgetful • Regretful • Overwhelmed • Stressed • Tired

Can’t recall, right? We’ve all got a lot on our minds. Ruminating on old mistakes. Avoiding new ones. Planning what we need to do. Anticipating what we’ll forget. It’s a constant scramble.

But what if we could clear up our jumbled thoughts?

What if we could leave the past in the past, the future to the future?

If we could give our whole attention to what we’re doing as we’re doing it?

Then we’d be fully present. Whatever we’re doing, we’d likely do it better. Conversations would become more fruitful. Tasks could become less tedious. Trust, empathy, adaptability — all would deepen and grow. We’d be engaged in each moment, so each moment would count.

Being present is an attitude shift. It doesn’t change the world, but it changes how we experience it — what we notice, how we respond. It’s a commitment to participate more fully in the things we choose to do, making those choices matter more.

Like any new habit, it takes practice. And it might be hard at first. The great news is, you can practice being fully present — and feel its benefits — in just about everything you do.

Put into practice: Think about your everyday tasks and activities. Now think of ways you could be more present in each of them, using the ideas below as a starting point and adding your own. Try some to see how it affects your day.

Tips to be more present in everyday life: • Set aside dedicated times for email instead of immediately checking new messages. • Practice eye contact in conversations, especially if your mind starts wandering. • Put away gadgets and turn off the TV during dinner. • Observe as many details as you can about your routes to and from home. • Notice your body language. Does it convey how you feel? • Listen completely — avoid judgment or rehearsing your response before someone finishes speaking. • Make ten mindful minutes a part of your daily routine. • Say “thank you” at every opportunity.

More tips to hone your attention: • 15 ways to stay focused in a distracted world • How to escape the busyness trap

Stuck Moment: I don’t know what it is. I like these people, a lot of them are my friends, and there’s nothing wrong with this party. I just feel like no one actually cares if I’m here or not. Or maybe it’s me. Maybe I don’t really belong here. I feel so out of sync.

It’s more common than you might think. We’re living our lives, going out and about in the world, but deep down, we realize something’s missing.

We’re not alone, yet we don’t feel connected. That necessary human bond between us and the people in our lives is tenuous. When we dare to reflect on it, we find ourselves admitting to a kind of loneliness. We don’t feel understood. And we don’t know what to do about it.

Our mothers might tell us to get out more, that we just haven’t met the right people. And maybe so. But first, we need to get reacquainted with ourselves. After all, we are the common factor in our interactions with the outside world.

Connecting with who we are keeps us honest. It reminds us of what matters (to us), how we like to spend time, what we’re good at. Embracing our own interesting and quirky and lovable aspects builds courage to let our personality shine through when in the company of others. It gives people something to connect to.

Put into practice: A simple way to reconnect with yourself is tidying up. Not cleaning out the cat box (never fun), but sorting through the clutter that comes with living. Try this: Pick a category that could use some organizing — clothes, books, music, photos, recipes — and a free afternoon. Gather everything up, take stock, and reflect (alone and without distractions): Which things bring you joy, peace, satisfaction? Which ones are sentimental? Which are artifacts of an old you? Donate or delete any excess stuff.

We bet you’ll unearth a thing or two that really represents you. Savor that connection. You might even share it with someone.

Need more convincing? Here are six more ways getting organized can transform your life.

It’s time for a new job. About that you’re certain.

What’s less certain is that you’ll land a good one, especially with all the what-ifs swirling in your head.

What if I’m going in the wrong direction? What if I can’t find the same salary level? What if I don’t have what it takes? What if the new job is worse than my old one? What if they make me take a test? What if? What if? What if?

Stop.

Ask yourself a new question: What can I do right now?

Looking for a new job dredges up a lot of pesky (and persistent) feelings of insecurity. We spend time imagining the worst instead of preparing for the best. To regain your confidence and hang onto it, you need to put aside distracting uncertainties (which, by the way, don’t help get anything done) by focusing on the actions you can take.

Start by tackling these three questions:

1. What is my purpose in finding a new job? Remember your motivation and let it drive your efforts.

2. Why do I deserve the job I’m seeking? Believing in yourself and being able to present that belief clearly will do most of the work of convincing yourself and a potential employer. Craft an elevator pitch about yourself — the single greatest thing you can bring to a job. Of course you offer other qualities, too — hard skills (like budgeting) and soft skills (like building team loyalty). List those out for yourself or add them to your resume. If you’re having trouble with either the pitch or the list, ask a trusted colleague to help you brainstorm.

3. How can I prepare fully? With each accomplishment in your job search, your confidence will increase — and it will show. Set aside time every day to get your ducks in a row, doing a little at a time so you don’t get overwhelmed. Here are some suggestions: • Update your resume and spiff up your LinkedIn account with this advice from Forbes.com. • Come up with three references and notify them. While you’re at it, ask them what they think your best qualities are. • Contact recruiters. • Tap your network for job leads. • Draft an excellent cover letter that you can customize for each job application. • Get your interview outfit together. • Know how much compensation you require. • Prepare to negotiate. • Practice interviewing.

With every step, you’ll feel more in control of your destiny, more resilient in the face of setbacks, more courageous in your quest.

More confidence-building reads: • 3 steps that saved my confidence and my career • What to do when you feel stuck in a job • 25 ways to make networking less dreadful • Make your fear work for you

Let’s start the new year as ourselves — magnified.

Just imagine it. As we walk the chilly corridors of January, we give off a certain something, that je ne sais quoi usually spotted in the picture-perfect pages of magazines. Our confidence swells. Others are drawn into our orbit. We have something to offer — and we’re offering it.

Are we being overly romantic? Maybe. But hear us out.

There’s something that you’re good at. Really, really good at. But in the swirl that is life, it’s probably gathered some dust, as you scramble with paperwork, home repairs, and finding five minutes to breathe.

So let’s take those five minutes now (pretend you’re reading a work email if need be) to breathe and ponder: What is that misplaced thing I do so well that brings me joy? Here are some thought starters: serve as the glue for your family, find the singular treasure at flea markets, cheer people up, get to the heart of the matter, rearrange rooms to feel more spacious.

Once you identify it (and there may be more than one thing), get sentimental. Remember how and when and what it felt like. It felt like you, didn’t it? You at your shining best. Which begs the question: How can you bring that back into your life? How can you bring that back in spades?

When you find the answer, actively make room for it in your life. Your insides will rejoice. You’ll be invigorated. Energized. Ready to greet each day with optimism.

And people will notice, though that’s not really the point. But they will, and they’ll want to be near this person who is reveling in the best part of themselves. And so will you.

More on this: Build a strength to build confidence tip card #17