Spirit Hippy Mama

Oh, if he brings up the grades, tell him that you personally don’t believe in them. Grades don’t measure learning, really. Then, talk about stuff that he loves and is good at. Ask him what he wants to see, do, experience, play. Tell him that when grownups do the things that grownups do, very rarely are they graded, so why should kids be?

We don’t clean up messes to have a clean house. We clean up messes so there is room for more mess! Now I think of cleaning up after my kids as replacing a canvas. I do it with the thought that by giving them room again and a bare floor and organized toys to pick from I’m handing them the tools to write another mess onto our house. It’s meant that at the end of a day, or sometimes a few days in a row, I just let the mess stay, because really, it’s a work of art or a story. Maybe it isn’t finished. Maybe it’s too interesting to be gotten rid of so soon. It also clears up my feelings of resentment about doing the bulk of it. I like being the one to reset the house so that we all can live another, different mess the next day.

I don’t really look to other mothers for validation on how I’m doing as a parent. I look to my children and my husband. If they are generally happy, relaxed, comfortable and engaged, I feel pretty good about how I’m doing…. If I see signs of frustration or stress or uneasiness in my family, there are alarm bells going off inside me telling me I need to be kinder, pay extra close attention, have more ideas, and offer more options.

We had just arrived home from a 12+ hour journey in the car. It was after 9pm. Ethan’s first visit was to his computer, where he spent about thirty minutes visiting various interests. Then, after a trip to the washroom, he headed to the kitchen where he began to mix a concoction. I asked him what he was working on, and he said, “A cleaner for the bathroom sink.” His first cleaner didn’t work, he told us. So, he returned to the kitchen to make another. After a short time at the bathroom sink, he came to find us, feeling victorious in his personal accomplishment. The sink truly sparkled. Next, I found him cleaning off the surface of his desk. Once done with that, he asked for my phone, wherein he proceeded to enter $1.50 into Kidsbank (which keeps track of his allowances and payed jobs). I smiled and said, “Don’t forget about adding something for cleaning the sink.” He said, “No. I did that just because.” Very interesting considering Ethan has never been given chores to do. I share this not to brag, but as evidence that it is indeed safe to trust in children’s inherent desire to be the best that they can be without enforced parental coercion.