Lost in the Woods

It’s spread. Stage four. I’m so sorry.

And even though Paige is in a hospital, surrounded by people bustling in and out of the room doting on Noah and checking on Emma, she has never felt so alone. 

She should have known. Should have seen it. In the way Emma’s cheekbones grew hollow. In the way her emerald eyes would drift at night, staring out into the backyard like she was already somewhere else. In the way her body thinned in ways that didn’t make sense, even with pregnancy weight layered over it. In the way she had to pause halfway up the stairs, pretending she just needed a second. 

Paige told herself it was normal. Pregnancy is exhausting and changes everything.

But she realizes now, she told herself that because she needed it to be true. She needed to believe the only thing altering Emma’s body was the baby they had fought so hard for. Not cancer quietly spreading beneath the surface.

Now, she knows better, and all the blind faith in the world can’t produce the miracle they need.

Paige swallows, shifting her arms slightly as she cradles their three-day old son. He’s impossibly small, his weight barely registering against her chest, but he’s the only thing keeping her from collapsing entirely. His soft breaths against her collarbone remind her to keep breathing, which is apparently, something she needs to be reminded of. 

She glances at Emma sleeping in the hospital bed beside her, taking in the peacefulness. For a moment, the scene almost looks ordinary, so Paige lets herself pretend. She imagines discharge papers and doing the “hot mom walk” out of the hospital doors. She imagines buckling Noah into his car seat, while Emma laughs softly in the passenger seat. Late nights and diaper changes and exhaustion that comes from parenthood, not chemotherapy.

She lets herself see a version of their life that still stretches forward. It’s just for a fleeting second, until her gaze lifts to the clear tubing snaking into Emma’s arm, delivering a slow drip of medication into a body that is already fighting too much. The illusion quickly shatters.

A tear slips down her cheek, followed by another. She quickly wipes them away with her sleeve before they can fall onto the sleeping baby in her arms. He doesn’t deserve to feel the weight of this grief. Not yet. Not ever, if she can help it. Though Paige doubts she’ll be able to shield it from him forever when she can barely hold herself together for more than a few minutes at a time.

A quiet knock pulls her out of the spiral.

“Hey.”

The moment Paige hears the familiar voice, something breaks inside of her.

“Az.” Her voice comes out thin and raw, like it’s been scraped clean.

Carefully, she stands and lowers Noah into the bassinet beside Emma’s bed. She adjusts the way the blanket is swaddled twice, unnecessarily, just to steady her shaking hands. Then she turns and crashes into her best friend, wrapping her arms around her like she’s afraid Azzi might disappear too. 

The hug is desperate and bone-crushing, but Azzi doesn’t hesitate. She folds around Paige, pulling her in, strong arms holding Paige together when she feels like she might fall apart completely.

The tears come fast, hot and unrelenting, soaking into the soft cotton of Azzi’s navy blue practice tank. Paige doesn’t care that she’s a complete mess because she knows Azzi doesn’t either. They’ve been here before, in various states of distress, too many times for the blonde’s liking.

Paige grips her best friend tighter, relishing in the familiarity and letting herself feel the quiet reassurance. She doesn’t have to hold it together right now. Not with Azzi.

“It’s okay,” Azzi murmurs into Paige’s tangled hair, her voice gentle.

Paige doesn’t even process the words. She just feels the vibration of them. 

Azzi gently guides her backward, sliding the hospital room door closed with her foot so they don’t wake Emma or Noah. Paige barely registers moving. Her body feels detached, like it’s operating on autopilot.

“Let’s find somewhere to talk,” Azzi suggests.

She keeps a light grip on Paige’s wrist, leading her down the hallway. Paige’s feet follow Azzi on their own accord, her mind narrowed in on the pressure of Azzi’s hand around her wrist.

They stop in a small alcove where two worn leather chairs sit beneath a muted wall light. Azzi guides Paige into one and takes the seat opposite her.

For a moment, Paige can’t bring herself to look at Azzi. She stares at her hands instead, twisting her fingers together so tightly her knuckles ache. 

“What’d they say?” Azzi asks gently, her voice cutting through the war raging in Paige’s head.

The question hangs between them. Paige tries to take a deep breath, but the air feels thin. She exhales shakily, blinking rapidly against the tears that keep threatening to spill over. She doesn’t know if she can say it. Saying it will make it real. Saying it will mean she can’t take it back and she can give up her hope that someone will shake her and wake her up and tell her this has all been a horrible dream.

But Azzi, always patient, just reaches forward and takes her hands, waiting. Paige forces the words out before she loses the nerve. 

“It spread.” Her voice barely above a whisper and the breath she drags in after is ragged, but she keeps going. “It spread to her lymph nodes, her liver, her lungs… and there’s—” Her throat closes. She squeezes her eyes shut, forcing the sentence through. “There’s not much they can do.”

The moment the words leave her lips,something inside Paige shatters. A broken sob rips from her chest as she curls in on herself, pressing her fists against her temples. She’s barely holding it together, barely keeping herself from completely falling apart in this damn hallway. Because saying it out loud feels like she’s sealing Emma’s fate, like she’s signing off on the reality she’s been desperately trying to ignore.

She’s going to lose Emma.

She’s going to wake up one day and Emma won’t be there. Noah will grow up with stories instead of memories. Paige will stand at school events alone and answer questions she isn’t ready for. She’ll be a widow, a single mom. 

Deep down, that’s really what worries her most. Beneath all of that grief, beneath the devastation, is a fear she doesn’t want to admit. She doesn’t know how to do this alone. She barely manages herself on the best days. How is she supposed to raise a child while grieving the love of her life? How is she supposed to be strong enough for both of them?

Azzi lets out a long, controlled breath, and Paige can see the effort it takes for her to keep her composure. Azzi has always been steady in a crisis, but Paige knows her well enough now to recognize when she’s holding herself together by sheer force of will.

“I’m so sorry,” Azzi whispers. 

The sincerity in her voice makes the knife in Paige’s chest twist even more. 

Time stretches in strange, distorted ways. Paige doesn’t really know how long they sit there—seconds, minutes maybe?—before Azzi speaks again.

“How’s the baby?”

The question drags Paige from the depths of her grief, forcing her to focus on something else, even if just for a second. She sniffs, swiping at her cheeks with the back of her hand before answering.

“He’s perfect. So cute.” Her voice is hoarse, but a flicker of pride cuts through the devastation. “He’s got her eyes.”

A small, fragile smile tugs at Paige’s lips. It’s fleeting, but it’s there. Azzi smiles back, warmth breaking through the tension in her face. Even now, even here, she shows up exactly how Paige needs her to.

“Can I meet him?” Azzi’s tone is careful, almost hesitant like she’s afraid she’s overstepping.

Paige frowns at that. As if Azzi could ever be an intrusion.

“Of course,” she says immediately. “I’ll bring him over.”

Paige slowly pushes herself to her feet, her legs heavier than they should be, and walks back into the hospital room where Emma is still sound asleep. For a moment, Paige just stands there, watching the slow rise and fall of her wife’s chest and the steady whirring of the machines. It’s clinical and mechanical and nothing about it feels fair.

She inhales carefully, willing her heart to slow, then leans down and presses a lingering kiss to Emma’s forehead.

“I’ll be right back, beautiful,” she whispers, though Emma doesn’t stir.

Paige moves to the bassinet and scoops Noah up with careful hands. He’s warm, but she wraps the soft blue blanket tighter around him anyway before stepping back into the hallway.

She sees the moment Azzi’s eyes land on him. It’s immediate, the way her friend’s face shifts, softening. Azzi’s lips part slightly, her eyes going wide with something Paige can only describe as reverent.

Paige watches the reaction as something unfurls in her chest. A genuine smile slips onto Paige’s lips as she holds him out.

“Meet Noah Quinn Bueckers.”

Azzi takes him carefully, as if holding something infinitely precious. Which, technically, she is. Her whiskey-colored doe eyes shimmer as she studies the tiny face tucked beneath the knit cap.

“Paige, he’s absolutely adorable,” she breathes.

Paige watches Azzi’s hands move instinctively, supporting his head, tucking the blanket in closer, and cradling him. There’s a tenderness there that makes a lump form in Paige’s throat. Azzi has always been protective, always taken care of people, but this is different. It’s rare to see her so unguarded. 

“Quinn is Emma’s maiden name,” Paige says quietly when Azzi comments on it.

Her voice stays even, but the lump in her throat thickens. She doesn’t have to explain the rest, not when it’s so painfully obvious. That if Noah grows up with stories instead of memories, at least he’ll still carry something of his mother with him.

If Azzi catches the internal war raging behind Paige’s eyes, she doesn’t press. Instead, she leans down, pressing a soft kiss to the top of Noah’s head before pulling back with a small smile. But then she suddenly squeaks, her head snapping up in surprise, eyes blown wide.

“Paige, he’s looking at me!”

The surprise in her voice is genuine. Paige lets out a breathy, almost disbelieving laugh as Noah’s tiny fingers stretch outward and latch onto Azzi’s pinky. His green eyes flutter open, unfocused but curious.

“He might just be the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.”

“Cuter than me?” Paige jokes, tilting her head.

Azzi doesn’t even glance up. “Not even close. You’re nowhere near this little guy’s level.”

Paige shakes her head, laughing softly. “Wow. No hesitation.”

“None,” Azzi says, still mesmerized. “He’s got me wrapped around his tiny little fingers already.” She gently wiggles her pinky in his grip. “Yeah, you’re going to get whatever you want, buddy.”

Paige sinks back into the chair, the brief warmth feeling like a flicker of light in the overwhelming darkness. But grief is patient, and it seeps back in quietly, like cold air under a door.

Azzi must see it happen on Paige’s face because her expression shifts. The playfulness fades, replaced with something steady and serious.

“So… what now?”

Paige exhales slowly. It feels like she’s exhaling something much heavier than air. Grief or heartbreak, she supposes. She rubs both hands down her face, pressing her palms into her eyes for a second before answering.

“Now, they find the best way to manage her pain and the right drugs, and then we go home.” Her voice sounds flat to her own ears. “They’ll monitor her, keep her comfortable. But there’s no surgical point anymore. With how far it’s spread…”

She swallows, tears pricking at the corner of her bloodshot eyes.

“The hormone therapy and chemo might buy her time, but it won’t be a good life. She’ll be sick, and in pain, and exhausted. She won’t be able to enjoy the little time she has with us. She’ll…”

The sentence dies in her throat and by the grace of God, Azzi doesn’t make her finish it. Instead, she shifts Noah into the crook of one arm and reaches out with the other, gripping Paige’s forearm in silent support. A reminder that she isn’t alone even if it feels like she is.

Paige takes a shaky breath. “They said… she might have a couple of months. Maybe more, if she’s lucky. It all just depends on how her body holds up.”

Azzi doesn’t respond right away. She just absorbs the words, lets them settle, like she’s trying to process how the hell life could be this cruel.

“I’m so sorry, Paige.”

The words are quiet, but they hold so much weight.

Paige finally lifts her gaze, locking eyes with Azzi. The look in her best friend’s eyes says more than words ever could. A silent—I’ve got you. You’re not alone.

She nods slowly. “I know.”

But as Azzi hands Noah back over, as Paige cradles her son against her chest and presses a kiss to the top of his head, she knows the truth.

She is alone. Devastatingly so. 

Because no matter how many people stand beside her, no one can replace Emma. No one can stand in the space Emma occupies in her life. 

@/ilovebooks: I love that video. You should start a singing career. :)

"I can't tell if you are being for real or if you are joking with me," Paige said, after she read that comment.

Her cheeks flushed with embarrassment when she read: '@/ilovebooks: eh I was kinda joking and being fr. that voice crack at the end of the video was… but it's okay because we aren't good at everything.'💞

Paige's eyes just narrowed at her screen before she slouched back in her gaming chair in defeat. "You guys are so mean," she pouted.

@/lilpaigey69: girl be fr

@/straponmenolesbo: girllll you know damn well. you be bullyin us too

The streamer laughed at that last comment. "That's fair, I guess… anyways what do y'all wanna do today? We can do confessions or react to the thirst trap videos you guys sent me in discord." Paige said, her face was all up in the screen a bit from trying to read the chat.

@ilovebooks: let's do the thirst trap videos. I can't survive another confessionals video. @/ilovebooks sent a 100 bits!

"Thank you for the bits @/ilovebooks." Paige said with a happy smile on her face. "I can't believe your username though. I don't know how to feel about it." she teased.

@ilovebooks: what's so bad about reading? At least I do actually read you don't and we can tell…

@/strap69: DAMNNN LIL PAIGEY SHE GOT U THERE

@/ilovepaige: I'm sorry I laughed out loud.

Paige just rolled her eyes and reached for her mouse. "Alright, chat so we are gonna react to thirst edits or what?" She said loudly, changing her screen to her discord chat she has for her supporters.

Before she clicked on the first video that was uploaded to the discord chat. She then turned her head over to read what people were telling her:

@/lilpaigey: bro back up damn

@paigeismylover: baby, you are too close to the screen I literally jumped from the close up.

@/secretaccount: damn this is not the angle for you...

Paige narrowed her eyes and backed away from the screen. "God forbid I wanna make sure we are on the same page. Also, my eyesight is bad so give me a break." She said with a grin turning her body to the side to grab her purple glasses that were on her desk.

When she put the glasses on her vision went clearing helping her be able to see correctly with all the lights coming from her computer. "These better be some good edits," she mumbled before she clicked on the pause button.

The video was of Billie Ellish with one of her songs playing in the background. The chat started spamming with thirsty comments about how good she looked. "Wait-, chat is her music good? I've been wanting to listen to her music, but I don't know what songs to listen to," Paige said in all seriousness.

@/gaylore: you should listen to 'lunch' by her. It suits you really well :))

@/ilovebooks: I think you would like 'lunch' it's a song that was made just for you!

@/Ilovewomen: I would say listen to 'bitches with broken hearts'

Paige's eyes scanned the chat reading the comments as fast as she could. The blonde scratched her head a bit. "Should we listen to 'lunch' together since everyone is commenting it?" She asked while she grabbed her headphones that were off to the side to put them on.

The chat box exploded with messages:

@/Ilovestreamers: OMGOMG GUYS IT'S HAPPENING

@/Ilovebooks: why am I low-key scared on how she's gonna react

@/lovepaige: that fact that she hasn't heard this song before is actually wild

@/mollyb: wait…why is Paige kinda…

@/ilovebooks: GIRL she's been hot. Why do you think I watch her streams? she's also kinda funny ig…

It took a second for Spotify to load in the meantime Paige was just yapping about how she dropped her sandwich from earlier on the floor and started crying. She was so distracted with describing her story she didn't even realize that her screen had loaded fully.

The whole time she listened to the song she was a mess. Her face was red while she just bit her lip. "No-, wait guys because I relate to this song," she said to the screen proudly puffing out her chest a bit.

@/lovergirl: oh, bby we know trust me

Paige made a face at that comment. "What do you mean by that?" She questioned, raising one of her eyebrows.

@/azzilovesme: you tell us every stream about how hot Azzi is.

@/ilipaigey: yeah bruh

paigeslefttoe: at this point I think you should make a move on her.

"Bro what the hell is your username?" Paige asked, talking to the last comment she had read. She was looking at the camera like she was scared and questioning her life existence.

The streamer just shook her head and grabbed her mouse again. "Alright, let's get to what we are actually supposed to be doing today." She said, changing the screen back to her discord chat.

She rubbed her hands together and licked her lips. "If you guys didn't spam this chat with thirst edits of Azzi, Imma be pissed," she warned before clicking on the first video.