WINGARDIUM LEVIOSA

"Eola Snape?" Harry asks, baffled. "What? No! We get on well enough. I helped her train for her tryouts for quidditch; she was very nervous, but Dad…she's a second year. Or, she was. Third, I reckon, when she goes back. Too young, in any case." 

"Oh, right," James breathes out, relieved, because he was admittedly spiraling into thoughts of what would happen if Harry ended up with Snape's daughter. Talk about a fucking nightmare. 

"Wait," Sirius whispers, his eyes flying wide. "Wait, no, third—you said Snape's kid is going to third year? Her name is Eola, you said? She's the same year as Leo?" 

Harry nods in confirmation, and James abruptly starts cackling, fully wheezing with laughter because Sirius looks fucking petrified. All the color has drained from his face, leaving him pale, and his eyes are haunted, like a man discovering a new fear he never knew existed.

"Stop laughing, Prongs!" Sirius bursts out, his voice gone high and pitchy. "It's not funny! Fuck! Fuck!" He hops up and immediately begins pacing, dragging his hands through his hair. "That's why Remus was so fucking evasive when I asked for details about who Leo was banging on about all the time! This can't be happening. This can't—" 

"What?" Harry asks, eyebrows raised as he flicks his gaze between Sirius and James. "What's happening?"

"Leo," Sirius says, swiveling abruptly to look at Harry. "My son. My eldest child. Harry, this is very important, do you understand? You were in school with him, yes? Did you ever see him around the Snape kid? Are they friends?" 

"Er, I dunno," Harry admits sheepishly. "Didn't pay much attention to him, if I'm honest. I mean, of course I checked on him," he adds hastily when Sirius' eyes narrow, "and I made sure he was alright, especially back in his first year, but he didn't want me hanging around all the time. Didn't want to be treated like a baby. Come on, Sirius, you know how it is at that age." 

"You oblivious little shit," Sirius mutters flatly, and Harry yelps in offense while James chokes on another laugh. "You really didn't see who Leo was spending his time with?" 

"Well, I was hardly around him all the time; couldn't be, could I? He's a Hufflepuff, Sirius," Harry points out, exasperated. "We had wildly different schedules and the like. I just made sure he was okay and made sure he came to me if he needed anything, but other than that, we were doing our own things. What does it matter if he is friends with Eola? What, just because she's a Slytherin?" 

"That's not the issue here. The issue is that Leo's been carrying on about Eola since halfway through his second year, and you'd have to be an idiot to miss how devoted he is already," Sirius groans, his hands coming up to rub over his face. "Please, Harry, please tell me there's some other Eola in Hogwarts. Please, please, please—" 

"Not that I know of." 

"Yes, well, you're oblivious, so I'm holding out hope anyway." 

"Sirius," James says, mildly scolding, which is much easier to do from his position, as the one who doesn't have a child possibly fancying Snape's child. Thank fucking Merlin for that. 

"No! No, James, no, I won't stand for it," Sirius insists, dropping his hands and putting them on his hips. "Absolutely not. I'll disown him. Just throw the whole child away. I have another." 

James snorts. "No, you won't, and you know it. You adore your son, and that's not going to change, regardless of who he ends up with."

"He can't do this to me," Sirius whines. "Why would he do this to me? Of all the possibilities, why did it have to be that one? I can't do it, James, I really can't. I mean, can you imagine the fucking family dinners? What if they got married? Oh no, no, no…" He shakes his head, blowing out a deep breath. "Oh, I'm going to fucking kill Remus. He knew about this! He knew, and he never said—" 

"God, I wonder why," Harry says dryly. 

Sirius points at him. "You keep that sass to yourself, young man. I'm in a crisis. This is no time to take the piss." He huffs, then abruptly swivels around. "Excuse me, I need to get home and murder my husband."