i dont give a fuck ill kinkshame myself

i knowwwwww in my heart ilya would love taking shanes last name and after they have kids referring to their family unit as hollanders. ilya turning around to the backseat like okey hollanders here is plan. we are going to be in and out of costco in thirty minutes. you may choose ONE item each. if we get separated we meet at optometrist. we will get ice creams on the way out as long as everyone is cool and nobody tells dad. hollanders on three.

Dont announced your crimes over unsecured channels dumbass

I've spent the past month cooped up in a motel in Orange County planning my theft, before I steal the sign I will set off a cache of fireworks I've placed 5 blocks away from the nearest police station which will rain down on the pigs, the perfect diversion.

i fucking hated your shoelaces this entire time

sorry to be a broken record every month but christ menstruation is a stupid concept. oooooh excuse me for not getting pregnant, why the fuck is there goo falling out of me about it? grow the fuck up and reabsorb that shit for nutrients.

There's this video of nuns talking about their favourite things to do outside of nun activities and one of them says "ultimate frisbee" and the other one goes "and sister you are so good at that." I literally cannot get "and sister you are so good at that" out of my head. Out of all my stims this one is my fav lolol

Hallucinations Matzo.

you don’t realize how important lunch is until you’re wandering around thinking about how unloveable and untalented and uniquely cursed you are and then it’s 4pm and you finally eat lunch and you go Oh. oh right.

the sewing machine is like if a horse and an inkjet printer had a child

Not proud of what I turn into when several mangos are put in front of me. The lack of self restraint is shameful. I would compare it to how fiction describes werewolves, or newly turned vampires. Everyone who has had a good mango understands, though.

last time I got a bunch of mangos I went into a sort of mango induced bacchanal madness, ended up eating the skin too because it was so thin, and the next day I ended up with my face swollen to hell because it turns out that mango skin has the same chemical as poison ivy, and eating that is bad. I did an interview on a reckless amount of antihistamines, got the job, and ate the last two mangos.

having to stop your conversation with a coworker when a customer walks in has the same vibe as two knights talking ildly on guard duty who have to quickly shut up and resume their positions as the king walks by. at least. i think so

"this is unbecoming of me" is genuinely a useful thing to have in your mental toolbox