fear is useless and temporary

the men in my life are good men. recently at a hardware store one of the men in my life let me stand behind him, just a little, in that ghosting way that girls can learn. the disappearing technique we master of shadowing behind our Good Men. this was to protect me from a man who was not-being-good.

i fall down. one of the good men in my life offers me one arm like a knight, we are laughing while i clamber back onto my feet. i give the good men in my life piggy back rides because i like to show off how strong i am. i give the good men in my life run-at-them hugs. i let the good men in my life pick me up like i am a sack of grain; i get the good men in my life coffee, i make them sandwiches, i teach them dancing.

i am a man-hater, obviously. i am gay enough the insult is sort of funny. waiting for the bus, where there are men who are not-known-to-be-good, i google how to make a fist. i can never remember if the thumb goes on the outside or the inside, only that it is imperative that i do not fuck it up or i will break my thumb at the same time the man tries to break me. 

i walk my dog around the track only-at-dusk and-no-later. i made that mistake once, in august, hoping i could take a later run and maybe see the stars - i romanticized the idea of being able to skulk like a fox. the man that followed me across three lawns, two road-crossings, and back to my car - he spent the whole time whistling. the good men in my life say - oh, do you need me to come with you? and are actually asking - do you feel safe?

i fall down in a supermarket. a man i do not know grabs the inside of my knee. i do not know if the man is good, but i am supposed to give men the benefit of the doubt, so i laugh while standing. a man trying-to-be-in-my-life says what, no hug? and i have to decide if it worth it to just take off or put up with it. a man who-might-not-be-good stares at me while i walk by - i have to calculate if he’s just looking or if he’s watching. other men have badly hurt me, physically. the casual remark made is that those men are not real men. but they were real enough, to me.

there are many men who are mad at me. an entire reddit thread once was dedicated to how to dox me for feminist ranting - it was kind of funny, when it wasn’t downright scary. i have been stalked and harassed and treated horribly. they are all good men, in their own lives, you know. they are not violent, usually, unless provoked, and all it takes for a man to be good is for him to not be violent unless provoked, and i am, of course, always provoking.

a man in my life rolls his eyes. “i am sick of hearing this. we get it, all men are fucking evil. get over it.”

a man who-is-not-good shouts something unwritable at me. i have to tell the good man i am standing next to - it’s okay, this is nothing compared to what-could-be, this happens, it’s really not that big of a deal to me. 

Spent a ridiculous amount of time last night obsessively editing my hand written zines in Photoshop to take away any tiny blemishes so they were definitely readable.

It is titled "can you read by handwriting?" with nariarts @ tumblr written in the corner

The second page reads "well? Can you?" followed by "what about now?" in neater writing followed by "or now?" in messier writing

The third page reads "writing at any kind of speed degenerates it to this. And that's with a thicker pen that makes me write slower."

The fourth and fifth pages transcribe a conversation " "we can't give you a higher grade because we don't actually know what you've written..." "I can translate for you? I can read my writing." "But then we don't know if you knew those answers at the time." "But I clearly know the info now & you can decipher it from what I tell you.""

The sixth page reads " "No." I can read that." written with a thick black marker followed by "Can you read this? Can you feel my wrist pain?

The seventh page reads "if I take my time to make it readable and sacrifice my own time so you can understand me is it worth it? Can you read it? Will you read it?"

Jade should be allowed to say Fucks Sake! at least once per episode. She deserves it.

Kit should be allowed to say Fuck Off! at least once per episode. She deserves it.

Boorman should be allowed to say Fuckin’ ell! at least once per season. He cannot be allowed more he would severely misuse them.

Willow should be allowed to say Fuck around and Find out at least once per episode. It would make his job easier.

Graydon should be allowed to say Fuck Me! at least once per episode. He deserves it. Nonetheless he only uses this once, strategically, to drop hints to Elora.

It's a Pride Month Special!