millennial gray

i miss my mom rn. she passed away a year ago. i never really liked her much or loved her much while she was here. mainly because she did so much to traumatize me in the name of “being a good parent”. but idk she was totally right those silly fb or pintrest or wherever boomer “meme” images like in you teens u hate ur mom then in your 20s this in yours 30s this and im like hey im in my 30s now and i could really just use like that unmatched mothers love feeling. i never felt it then because i was so deattached from her. she hurt me a lot in many ways but she might have loved me. idk if i will ever know. how do you know if people love you? i always just thought if you can do and say these things to me how can you say you love me? but i used to curse her under my breath and just talk about how much i hate her and wouldnt be sad when she was gone... im sad because she was an interesting person i wouldve never chose in my circle but as my mother i see that there were these times i did need her but she always needed my help and i never noticed when she needed me she inadvertantly was helping me get something i needed. we didnt get along on traditions or points of view typically but idk i could be brutally honest and she knew and accepted that about me. sometimes shed say she was jealous because she wish she had my strength to speak up and “fight” when needed. and idk maybe i need that now. i feel so disconnected from everything and everyone. i feel like im just barely here like a weird faded version of me that you can hardly read but like you can see the words but time has worn em down. we had some good times in between allllll the fucked up bad shit and i yearn to go on a pointless drive with someone so open to do whateverin the name of curing boredom and monotony. id love to go get shitty $5 breakfast and laugh so loud the other diners feel uncomfortable. id kill to just go for a drive with my mom so she can annoy me about all the family drama going on and buy me a crappy shirt from kohls and try to sing lyrics to songs she doesnt know and buy my love and apologize for all the damage she did. i forgive you mom and im sorry if it was hard to handle having a child so different from what you knew about life. i wish we had something better but this is nice too