So, What Colour is Your Toothbrush?

Cade: Hahaha it’s been how long since the last update? Where are we

Hawksky: To be honest, I don’t even remember what was happening in the fic.

Cade: Dramu.

PR: THIS IS A BAD SPORKING.

Hawksky: Shut up.

"Roxas," he said, tiredly, "good morning."

"Good morning," I said, smiling at him apologetically as he yawned. "Sorry for waking you."

Axel just shook his head. "Don't worry about it," he said, looking distracted when he fully woke up.

"Is there something on your mind?" I asked, immediately getting pulled closer.

"Roxas," he said, seriously and tense. He relaxed a little when I raised my hand and ran my thumb along his cheek, "I know that you probably won't like what I'm about to say," he said, refusing to meet the intense gaze I was giving him, "but I want you to quit the gang."

I stilled my hand.

"What?" I whispered in disbelief.

Hawksky: Oh that’s right. Axel finally decided that sending his underaged rapebait sex slave out on official gang business was a bad idea.

Cade: Weren’t we saying that the whole fic?

PR: 2008 SLASHFICS DON’T FOLLOW ANY SEMBLANCE OF LOGIC AND YOU KNOW THAT.

Cade: I’m not so sure 2018 slashfics do either...

"I want you to quit the gang," Axel repeated.

I felt myself go cold, still not moving an inch. So far, I'd loved being in the gang.

Cade: Didn’t you get kidnapped, raped, and almost murdered?

Hawksky: And got one of his buddies almost murdered too, don’t forget that.

PR: SEEMS LIKE A GOOD TIME TO ME.

Hawksky: I thought that was just when you were the one doing the kidnapping, raping, and murdering.

PR: DEPENDS ON HOW MUCH I HATE MY HOST.

Cade: I have Fallen and Aziz on speed-dial, so you’d better watch it.

I'd loved all of it, meeting other members, learning how to fight. I was even excited to be a part of the ambush, to prove myself, even though it'd failed.

Hawksky: *cups paws around mouth* You got kidnapped. And raped. And almost murdered. And Demyx almost died too, you fuck.

Cade: The way he’s talking about it it just sounds more like a cop car rolled by and spooked them off.

I mean, sure Axel had said that if anything happened to me that I'd have to quit the gang, but honestly, what were the chances of my dad showing up?

PR: PRETTY SURE YOUR DAD ISN’T THE ONLY ONE WHO COULD FUCK YOU UP WHILE YOU’RE SELLING DRUGS FOR A STREET GANG OR WHATEVER THE FUCK HAPPENED IN THAT CHAPTER.

It just didn't seem fair and it wasn't like I'd ever agreed to that

Cade: What? Yes you did. It was his condition for joining the gang - the gang that he runs - and you still joined it. I mean, that would literally hold up in a court of law.

Hawksky: I think lawyers getting involved at this point would make the fic, like, ten times funnier.

Cade: Or at least a daytime TV mediation show.

PR:

so I was determined to protest.

"That's not fair, Axel," I said, looking at him a little pleadingly. The red-head's gaze hardened.

"I said I want you to quit and that's that," Axel said.

"But why?" I asked.

Cade: Also, the fact that you agreed to this aside, he’s basically your boss and you can’t just respond to “You’re fired” with “I don’t agree”.

Hawksky: Imagine if you could, though.

"Roxas, I told you already that if something happened to you at the ambush that you were quitting," Axel said trying to keep his voice neutral, "Not only did something bad happen to you, many bad things happened to you," he said, gripping my sides. "You got kidnapped, abused, raped, and god knows what else."

"Aww come on, Axel," I said, pushing away a little, "Seriously, what were the odds of me being found by my dad? And that's the only reason why any of that stuff happened."

Hawksky: I think the second-worst thing about this fic, after making no sense, is that it’s so fucking repetitive. Makes for a shitty sporking considering we’ve already dissected this point.

PR: IS “DISSECTED” A NEW WAY OF SAYING “MADE FUN OF” NOW?

Hawksky: I thought making fun of something involved actually making jokes instead of just pointing out the obvious. 🤔

"You're not going to change my mind, Roxas," Axel said firmly. He looked hurt but unsurprised when I pushed him away from me.

I sat up, glowering at him. "And when you make me quit, what then?" I asked, not waiting for him to answer. "Are you going to be so protective of me that I won't be able to go on a walk by myself or even use a public restroom?" I asked, voice rising.

PR: WELL THAT’S A PRETTY BIG LEAP AWAY FROM NOT WANTING YOU TO BE IN A GANG.

Cade: If we’re being honest with ourselves, no, no, Roxas should not be allowed to go on walks or use public restrooms by himself.

"Please don't do this, Roxas," Axel said.

"No," I said, fiercely. "I am going to say my piece and you are going to listen to everything I have to say." I continued on when I was sure I had his attention.

Hawksky: Leave the filibustering to Senator Paul, please. Please.

For my entire life, I've been holed up in some crappy little room with bars on the windows. The door was locked at all times; I couldn't even roam around my own house anymore once I'd started to get raped! I can only remember going to a park fewer times as a child than I can even count on one hand. That's the only time I'd been outside when I wasn't on my way to be raped while I lived at home. I've seen more of the outside world in the past few weeks with you than I have in my entire life, and that isn't much." I paused for a moment, deciding exactly what to say next. "I always used to be in a cage; locked away," I said, bitterly. "I will not allow you or anyone else to put me in a cage ever again. I'll leave first," I promised.

Hawksky: Please.

Cade: *as Axel* I want you to stop participating in dangerous, illegal activities that literally already got you assaulted and almost killed.

PR: *as Roxas* Fuck you, you aren’t my dad! #cantbetamed #freespirit

"My mind remains unchanged," Axel stated, frowning.

Cade: Gotta say I’m enjoying sensible Axel.

Hawksky: It won’t last.

Cade: Nope.

I was about to angrily retort back, but just then Demyx burst into the room. "What's going on?!" He asked, obviously startled. Zexion and I heard yelling and... oh, sorry," he said, seeing the murderous look on my face.

I got off of the bed, slipping my pants and shoes on. "I'm going for a walk," I said to no one in particular.

PR: I THOUGHT THAT WASN’T ALLOWED ANYMORE NOW THAT YOU’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF THE GANG FOR YOUR OWN STUPID SAFETY.

Hawksky: I’m sure he’s about to prove why it really shouldn’t be allowed anymore.

"Don't follow me," I said storming out of Axel's room, slamming the door behind me before another word could be said.

PR: *as Demyx* What was that all about?

Cade: *as Axel* Apparently his only two options in life are gangster or chained in the basement.

Zexion saw me as I stormed past him, making my way to the front door. "Roxas?" he asked, as I ignored him, "Roxas, wait!" he said as I opened the door. He ended up following me as I went outside. "Roxas, what's wrong?" Zexion asked, trying to keep up with my brisk pace. "I'll buy you some ice cream if you tell me," he said, gripping my wrist, trying to bribe me. I sighed. I didn't really want to talk about it, but maybe it'd help.

Hawksky: *as Roxas* Also, free ice cream. Because I have no emotional focus.

Besides, I knew that Zexion wasn't going to give up of I said no and this way, at least I'd get some free ice cream.

Hawksky: Fuck me.

Cade: If you insist.

"Fine," I said, pulling my arm away, "but if I'm still angry after that, leave me alone."

Zexion didn't make any promises, just grabbed my wrist again and led me in the general direction of the nearest ice cream parlor.

PR: HOW MANY ICE CREAM SHOPS DOES THIS TOWN FREAKING HAVE?

Hawksky: I bet Axel gives them a discount on his protection racket.

I frowned as we entered the shop. It was the same place Axel had taken me when I'd gotten out of the hospital.

Cade: Or the ice cream shop is the only place Axel’s gang can go without getting their asses kicked.

Hawksky: Either/or. Say, we don’t know anything about the other gangs in the city ever since Vexen died, do we?

Cade: Nope.

Hawksky: Figures.

Zexion couldn't have possibly known that though, so I let it go.

"Order whatever you want," Zexion said, bringing me straight up to the counter. The counter help looked at me, almost disinterestedly as I placed my order.

"One cup of sea-salt ice cream, to go," I said, not wanting to be here of all places. Zexion shook his head, placing money on the counter.

"No, make that for here," he said, despite the glare I shot him. I grudgingly accepted my ice cream when it was ready and allowed myself to be led to a seat.

PR: IF YOU DON’T WANT YOUR ICE CREAM, I’LL TAKE IT. I KINDA MISS IT AFTER ALL THE AÇAI WE’VE BEEN EATING HERE.

Cade: I mean, açai is healthier anyway, plus, when in Rome...

(Joke clarification: This is the first sporking posted after Airey moved to Hawai’i.)

"Okay, Roxas," Zexion said sounding a little concerned when I began to violently stab my ice cream with my spoon, rather than eat it, "Tell me what's wrong."

"Axel wants me to quit the gang," I said unhappily.

Hawksky: *as Zexion* Wait, you didn’t quit yourself after being kidnapped and raped on your literal first outing?

PR: *as Roxas* Pfft. That was just a fluke.

"The yelling you and Demyx heard was me protesting." I paused, remembering how Demyx had burst into the room. "Was I really loud?" I asked. Zexion smiled a little before resuming his usual frown.

"Yes," he said. "You managed to wake us up." I flushed a little, looking down while scooping up some ice cream onto the spoon.

"Sorry," I murmured before taking my first bite.

"You know, Roxas," Zexion said, "Axel's just trying to protect you. He was worried sick when you were kidnapped."

Cade: I don’t think Roxas is even contributing anything to the gang anyway.

Hawksky: That’s not true. Axel likes his arse.

Cade: No, they haven’t actually smashed yet, remember?

Hawksky: Oh yeah. I guess right now he’s more of an investment.

"So you're siding with him." I stated, scoffing at Zexion, moving to leave. "Can't believe you'd side with him so easily! If he didn't want me in his gang, he shouldn't have offered in the first place!"

Cade: Well, no, he shouldn’t have...

PR:

WHY IS HE SO FUCKING OFFENDED THAT PEOPLE MIGHT WANT TO DEFER TO THEIR LEADER’S JUDGEMENT ABOUT KICKING ROXAS OUT AFTER HE GOT HIS DUMB ASS ABDUCTED?

"No, Roxas, I'm not taking sides" Zexion said calmly despite my motion to leave and outburst, "I'm just trying to show you where he's coming from; why he wants you to quit. I'm sure Demyx is defending your view point right now."

Hawksky: There’s nothing to defend. Roxas’ only view is that he really, really wants this and if he really, really wants something and Axel doesn’t give it to him, then that means he doesn’t love him.

Cade: Also he thinks he’s gonna get chained in the basement for some reason.

Hawksky: I’d call this drama for the sake of drama but, like, it’s really just... that would imply the author put SOME kind of thought into it.

"Fine," I said settling back into my seat before angrily taking another bite of ice cream. I wasn't sure why I was so mad at Zexion; he was just trying to help. "Continue."

Cade: There’s miscommunication-as-drama and then there’s this.

After his talk, Zexion left me to think about what he'd said and to finish my ice cream.

I sighed after a few moments, leaving it unfinished and making my way back to Axel's house. It was probably a good thing that Zexion had followed me; otherwise I probably wouldn't've been able to find my way back without calling.

Hawksky: Then what the hell makes you think you should be in a gang?!

PR: WHAT WAS WITH THE TREND OF MAKING UKES SO HILARIOUSLY HELPLESS? ...OH WAIT, I’M USING THE PAST TENSE WHEN PEOPLE STILL DO THIS SHIT AGAIN.

Cade: Yup.

PR: THEY CAN SLAP VAGINAS IN THE FIC AND GET INTO POLITICAL DISCOURSE ALL THEY WANT, BUT YAOI FANGIRLS NEVER CHANGE.

That and talking had cleared my head a little.

I hesitated for a second when I reached the front door before going inside, peering around before locking the door behind me. Nothing looked different, so I slipped off my shoes and made my way back toward Axel's bedroom. The door was still closed. I was just about to open it but heard muffled voices on the other side, so I paused, listening. I couldn't make out what they were saying, so I knocked lightly before opening the door and poking my head inside. Axel was sitting next to Demyx, talking.

Cade: *as Axel* But he really is that stupid.

PR: *as Demyx* Seriously, are you okay? I’ve never seen you act so reasonable! Are you possessed or something?

Cade: *as Axel* Sometimes, someone has to have half a brain to move the plot along.

Hawksky: What do you call it when somebody acting logical causes drama because all the other characters are mouthbreathing cretins? A reverse-idiot plot? Is that a thing?

Cade: An Idiocracy plot?

They stopped as soon as I came inside. Demyx hastily got up and waved at Axel just before departing. He smiled at me as he passed making me recall Zexion's final words before leaving me.

"Roxas, just remember that Axel cares about you. He's only looking out for your best interests, so try not to be too mad at him if he makes you quit, ok?" Zexion said. " I'm sure it'd kill him if something happened to you again."

PR: HURRY IT UP, THEN, IT’LL GET THE FIC DONE ALL THE QUICKER.

I snapped out of my daze when I heard my name being called and looked up just in time to see Axel coming toward me. 

Hawksky: Why was there a scene break it’s the same scene dammit not again.

Cade: Incredible.

He stopped when I took a step back. Sighing, he scratched the back of his head and looked to the side.

"Look, Roxas," he said, "I'm sorry. Demyx told me how happy you were, being in the gang and all and…"

"You still want me to quit." I said, interrupting him. I could tell by the look on his face.

"Of course I do," he said crossing his arms and looking at me.

Cade: It’s really... poorly explained why being in the gang made him happy in the first place.

PR: HE’S A SOCIOPATH, REMEMBER?

Hawksky: I guess the author does an... okay?... job of portraying Roxas as ‘happy’ once he joins the gang but like, that coincides with other stuff like meeting Axel and not being a sex slave anymore, so...

Cade: So even though the author was obviously leading up to this, unlike the other bullshit they’ve dumped in our laps throughout the fic, it still pretty much comes out of nowhere...

"Why don't you tell me the real reason why," I said. "Do you think that I'm too delicate? Am I too innocent?"

"No," he said, lowering his arms and his gaze.

"What then?" I asked. Was it like Zexion had said?

Cade: *as Axel* It’s because you’re too stupid to live.

"Roxas…" he said, clenching his hand into such a tight fist that it shook slightly, "what if something happens to you again? What if I can't save you in time before you get hurt again?" The look on his face was enough to make me stay quiet.

Hawksky: literally why does it not occur to him before that Axel who has proclaimed to be in love with him is just concerned for his well-being AFTER HE GOT KIDNAPPED AND RAPED AND NEARLY FUCKING DIED FOR FUCK’S SAKE HOW CAN A MAIN CHARACTER BE SO DUMB

I didn't move this time as he approached and gripped my shoulders. "What if something so horrible happens that I never see you again?" he asked squeezing my shoulders a little more tightly. I looked down feeling guilty, remembering Axel in the hospital, eyes shining as he told me that he thought he'd never see me again.

He sighed, drawing me into a hug. "Look," he said, obviously not thinking he was getting through to me, "I don't want you to be miserable or feel constricted or 'caged' as you put it."

PR: HE CLEARLY NEEDS A HANDLER, THOUGH. AND MAYBE ONE OF THOSE HELMETS. YOU KNOW THE ONES.

I didn't move, still feeling guilty. "So, here it is. Demyx talked to me about it some more and even though I don't approve, I'll let you stay in."

(All the sporkers groan.)

Cade: Well, I see Demyx successfully exorcised whatever entity was making Axel act like a sane human being.

Hawksky: Whew!! Glad that’s over!

"Really?" I asked, looking up. He raised an eyebrow at me.

"What's wrong Roxas?" he asked. "You don't seem happy."

"Axel…" I said, feeling guilty still for making the red-head worry, "I know you're not happy about me being in the gang, but I'll do my best to make sure nothing else happens to me, I promise."

PR: HAHA. THAT’S A FUNNY JOKE, ROXAS.

Cade: Should we place bets on how many more chapters it takes for something bad to happen, or what?

Hawksky: That depends, does actually fucking Axel count?

Cade: Sure.

Hawksky: Next chapter.

PR: ...DIDN’T THIS FIC GET PRE-READ?

Cade: Yes, which is what’s going to make it extra embarrassing when she’s wrong.

Axel didn't say anything. "I even have I phone now, so I can call if I need you," I said, digging it out of my back pocket, showing it to him.

"What about your gun?" Axel asked. I frowned.

"Dad took it," I said.

Cade: Axel’s dad (I forgot what entirely random character he’s supposed to be) showing up was like... 3v1 all armed, wasn’t it...?

Hawksky: Are you really surprised Axel’s gang is incompetent as shite?

"I guess you'll need a new one then," Axel mused aloud. "No gang business till then, okay? Besides, that'll give me time to take care of something left unfinished," he said, a smile tugging at his lips, but malice in his eyes.

"Something?" I asked, prodding.

"Yeah, something," he said, not giving up any information.

PR: SUBDERMAL GPS TRACKER. LETTING ROXAS BACK INTO THE GANG IS JUST A RUSE TO KEEP HIM FROM RUNNING AWAY.

Cade: Can’t they just make him a secretary or something? It’s not like this gang runs on real-world logic anyway.

Hawksky: Real-world gangs are more likely to have secretaries than anything else that’s happened in this fic. And I think mafia-type orgs legitimately do have bookkeepers.

PR: WELL SOMEONE’S GOT TO KEEP TRACK OF HOW MUCH DRUGS AND HUMAN CHATTEL IS GOING IN AND OUT OF THE COUNTRY.

"Axel, why won't you tell," I started but got cut off when his lips pressed against mine. I knew it was a move to temporarily silence me, but didn't care very much. I stayed still until he pulled away, licking his lips.

"Mmm, Roxas," he said, voice low, in my ear before grazing it lightly with his teeth and pulling me closer, "You've been eating ice cream again."

Hawksky: And so Roxas’ tiny hormonal peabrain has been successfully distracted and he won’t press on what Axel is being oh-so-evasive about.

Cade: Wait. Didn’t Roxas’ dad die? Why didn’t he just take his gun back? I’m confused, am I just forgetting something?

PR: FORGETTING WHAT HAPPENED IN PREVIOUS CHAPTERS DOESN’T MATTER MUCH WHEN YOU ALREADY KNOW THAT EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS IN THIS FIC IS DUMB AS HELL.

Cade: True.