Trying to Twenty-Something

I recently posted on here a long post about perspective -- I deleted it, simply because of changes in my life since the post. A lot can change in a few weeks, and my life was pretty much turned upside down recently. 

Life can be funny sometimes, and you can be tested in ways you can’t imagine.

6 months ago, I didn’t think I’d have an illness/surgery in the family. 6 months ago, I didn’t think I’d be sitting on my couch on a Monday afternoon applying for jobs at an outlet mall. 6 months ago, I didn’t think I’d leave my first job post-college for another opportunity, only to be laid off a month after -- the day before Thanksgiving, at that.

Writing has been an outlet for me for years, and I’ve been back and forth with the idea of even typing my thoughts out this past week. 

I’ve called myself a failure and a loser for now being unemployed at the age of 22, with a college degree that’s not being put to use. I’ve bawled my eyes out, and stared at the ceiling in the middle of the night, unable to sleep, because of the anxiety of what’s to come. 

I used to be so proud of myself, and as of lately, I’ve wondered...what is there to be proud of anymore?

But I guess now more than ever, perspective is everything.

I can either feel sorry for myself, or I can get out there and actually do something about the cards I’ve been dealt. I think I’d really only be a “loser” or “failure” if I just continued sitting here and didn’t actually try -- whether it’s retail or corporate. 

I may not be where I thought I’d be at this point, or where I want to be. I can’t get my family everything I wanted to this holiday season, and I probably won’t be shopping for myself for a long, long time. 

But I have to keep going, and so does anyone else who feels as if they’ve hit rock bottom. If you feel as if you’re at your lowest, all you can do is go up from here, right?

I don’t regret leaving things that didn’t make me happy, in the pursuit of finding that happiness. I don’t feel as bitter anymore about recent circumstances, because I know I can’t change anything. 

When things go wrong in life, you really learn about who truly cares, and honestly, who doesn’t. You lean on the people who do care, and I’m so lucky to have a handful of people who actually give a damn about me.

The moral of the story is that life can change, and pretty quick, at that. Life won’t always be fair, and life won’t always give you what you want. I think life gave me what I needed, though, which is the freedom to figure out what I want. I can use this time to explore what makes me truly happy, and I’m oddly thankful for that. It’s a blessing in disguise, I guess. 

Yesterday I completed my undergraduate career. I graduated college, I actually did it. 

In high school I was diagnosed with depression, ADD/ADHD, General Anxiety, and SAD (Seasonal Affect Disorder - the abbreviation is fitting). I was prescribed various medications, and poured my heart out to various shrinks. Since then, my life's been a rollercoaster ride. For years I didn't believe in myself at all, honestly. I had very low expectations for myself and my life altogether. I felt like I was drowning for years & years. 

Here I am about 7 years later, a college graduate who is beginning a career in 7 days. I don't want anyone's "pity", anyone to judge me, or anyone to "applaud" me for overcoming everything. Yes, life has thrown plenty at me. But I'm still here, and yesterday I accomplished something I didn't even expect to ever do. Before I moved 5 years ago to a new state, I didn't really have any ambitions or goals. I didn't see a future for myself. 

The future scares me. I'm still not 100%, and I don't think I ever will be. But yesterday was one of the happiest days of my life, and the proudest I've ever been of myself. I didn't mind the 3 hour ceremony because I worked so hard for 4 years to be able to sit there. 

Life can be really dark, or really uncertain at times. Sometimes there's fear, anxiety, uncertainty of what's to come. Nothing is guaranteed in this life. But I do know that things get better. Friends come and go. You find out who really cares. You become quite familiar with failure - but you grow from it. This is life.

You will figure out what career path to take.

You will manage living on your own and paying bills.

You will find someone who loves and respects you, in ways you never thought possible.

You will figure it all out, just trust me. 

College was such a period of growth for me, and I have my entire life ahead of me now. Who knows where I'll be a year from now, 5 years from now, and so on... I am so thankful for my parents for getting me the help I needed years ago, and still to this day. I am thankful that they pushed me to get an education, because without that push I wouldn't have worked my ass off to get a career, an apartment, a whole life for myself.

I'm so proud of myself. I haven't been able to say that and actually mean that in God knows how long. I am so, so proud. I made it, and if there's anyone reading this who lacks hope or is scared of what's to come, I am telling you... you too will make it. The best is yet to come.

Here is one of my favorite songs right now by Logic -- really really hits home for me. 

“It can be hard,

it can be so hard,

but you gotta live right now,

...usually others will, too. Sure, the whole “another one opens” thing applies, I’m no pessimist, but I’m in a season of change right now, and a lot of metaphorical doors are closing. 

With these opening and closing doors all around me, I figured I’d switch up this blog to something I’m calling “Trying to Twenty-Something”. Because being a twenty-something is weird and uncomfortable. So here I am. Trying. 

Honestly, the best way I can describe myself right now is simply putting this video right here:

(This is Britney’s “I’m Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman”, if you’re not a Spears fan. Just an FYI.)

So yeah, that exemplifies my current state of mind right now, during this in-between period.

What doors are closing? With college ending -- boom, a door -- there’s friendships inevitably ending. Sometimes you’re only friendly with people because you see them on campus multiple times a week, ya know? Freedoms such as napping in the middle of the day or wearing yoga pants daily... yeah, those beautiful things are coming to an end in a few weeks. Soon I’ll be sporting slacks from 7:30-5:30 Monday through Friday, and I really don’t know how I feel about that just yet. 

On top of that, I HAVE to be at an office 50 or so hours a week, no excuses. Seriously, I HAVE to be at a location or else my cat doesn’t get fed, and we can’t have that. 

Let’s talk about this friendship door that’s being shut. It happens, people. But I guess I’m kind of used to it, honestly. 17 years of schooling, and I’ve never really had my place or niche in friend groups. I’ve never had my own “group”...ever, actually. So by the time college came my way in 2013, I didn’t really expect that to change. I’m okay with that. So I’m okay with moving an hour away. I moved 3 hours away a few years ago, and I am still alive!! Miracles do happen. But in all seriousness, graduating college I think is a time in which you figure out who the right people in your life really are. People who lift you up and are proud of your success. Those who check in on you and make sure you’re going to that job that financially supports you & your feline. Ya know, people who just give a damn. Those are the people you keep on your side when that door starts to close. And I already know who those people in my life are/will be. If you’re reading this, you probably know who you are (yay!) But then again, there’s 2,000 people following me on here that don’t know me at all, so, my bad. 

You have to give up things to gain things sometimes. Is it easy? No. I already have some scheduled mental breakdowns on my calendar during lunch breaks my first couple of weeks of the real world. I’m already freaking out about my 401k, healthcare, and every other adult problem on the planet. I don’t know how you adults are making it out there, but good for you. Taxes sound awful and I just applaud you all. Retirement sounds phenomenal.

But I’m still just a little twenty-something.

I’m not the only one winging it, I’m not the only one looking up what the hell “business casual” is on Pinterest, and I’m definitely not the only one freaking out right now. In the middle of all this chaos, sometimes there’s some calm. Maybe because I’m realizing I’m not the only one here living off of pasta and other carb-filled quick meals, trying to do this thing called “adulting”. 

I’m ready for these doors to close, and I’m ready for those other ones to open, too. If you stay put in your comfort zone forever and ever, how satisfied will you be with your life?

This blog will serve as my outlet, I guess, as I enter reality very soon and become a “big girl”. This is me, trying REAL HARD...

...trying to twenty-something.