#tryingto20something

I recently posted on here a long post about perspective -- I deleted it, simply because of changes in my life since the post. A lot can change in a few weeks, and my life was pretty much turned upside down recently. 

Life can be funny sometimes, and you can be tested in ways you can’t imagine.

6 months ago, I didn’t think I’d have an illness/surgery in the family. 6 months ago, I didn’t think I’d be sitting on my couch on a Monday afternoon applying for jobs at an outlet mall. 6 months ago, I didn’t think I’d leave my first job post-college for another opportunity, only to be laid off a month after -- the day before Thanksgiving, at that.

Writing has been an outlet for me for years, and I’ve been back and forth with the idea of even typing my thoughts out this past week. 

I’ve called myself a failure and a loser for now being unemployed at the age of 22, with a college degree that’s not being put to use. I’ve bawled my eyes out, and stared at the ceiling in the middle of the night, unable to sleep, because of the anxiety of what’s to come. 

I used to be so proud of myself, and as of lately, I’ve wondered...what is there to be proud of anymore?

But I guess now more than ever, perspective is everything.

I can either feel sorry for myself, or I can get out there and actually do something about the cards I’ve been dealt. I think I’d really only be a “loser” or “failure” if I just continued sitting here and didn’t actually try -- whether it’s retail or corporate. 

I may not be where I thought I’d be at this point, or where I want to be. I can’t get my family everything I wanted to this holiday season, and I probably won’t be shopping for myself for a long, long time. 

But I have to keep going, and so does anyone else who feels as if they’ve hit rock bottom. If you feel as if you’re at your lowest, all you can do is go up from here, right?

I don’t regret leaving things that didn’t make me happy, in the pursuit of finding that happiness. I don’t feel as bitter anymore about recent circumstances, because I know I can’t change anything. 

When things go wrong in life, you really learn about who truly cares, and honestly, who doesn’t. You lean on the people who do care, and I’m so lucky to have a handful of people who actually give a damn about me.

The moral of the story is that life can change, and pretty quick, at that. Life won’t always be fair, and life won’t always give you what you want. I think life gave me what I needed, though, which is the freedom to figure out what I want. I can use this time to explore what makes me truly happy, and I’m oddly thankful for that. It’s a blessing in disguise, I guess.