trill of the valley

i’m trill 🎱

mid 20s, bi, she/her, and i never had the chance or the nerve to have a tumblr purely for my journals, photography, and simple thoughts 💭 but i’m going to be brave and change that now.

i love journaling, reading, sewing, collecting murakami and copies of jane eyre, taking pictures of things i find pretty, and dabbling in oversharing lol

one of my favorite experiences on the internet is to stumble across a little cave of someone’s thoughts, day to day life, and experiences. and so i hope this blog can be that for someone else, too.

stick around if you’d like, my door is open 🚪

i am now alone. left to my own devices. so i started this paint by numbers and baked some cookies before the heat picks up again.

i love being here. i never know how to act on the first day, especially when my best friend is at work and it’s just me and their younger sibling together all day. but i love them too and they’re the closest i’ve had to a younger sibling as the baby of my own family.

they dyed my hair last night and i helped them move around the terrarium they’re building today. i love the view from their couch. i love my air mattress in the craft room.

they start their backpacking trip tomorrow. i was the DJ while them and their dad went through their packs to evenly distribute the weight. when i was very young my best friends dad was so intimidating and seemed like the arbiter of all “good” music but tonight i just threw on Wings and the Eagles and he was pleased as punch. it’s always less serious in hindsight.

her brother was so stoned when they left he said “nice to meet you!” then got all flustered and embarrassed. i’ve known that kid for fifteen years! it was a good laugh.

another heatwave starts tomorrow and the wildfire smoke has finally reached us, so i really hope they are safe out there in the woods this week.

best friend had work today so i sat on her lovely patched couch and read this entire novel. it’s only noon. wtf do i do now??

heaven on earth*

tomorrow i leave from my parents and go forth to my best friend’s house.

we’ve been best friends for fifteen years now and have evolved so much. when people ask how we’ve stayed close that long i want to say “it helps that she’s an angel on earth who has never done wrong” but i usually end up saying something like “we let each other change and befriend each new version of the other.”

both are true, but the first feels truer. even when she bugs the shit out of me it’s so easy to find the good in her and let go of the annoyance. like that’s just my girl. my sister my twin my best best best friend. everything is endearing.

and i get to watch her three perfect kitties while she’s away, too. this is my parent’s cat Dwight and he evokes a very similar feeling in me that my best friend does. he’s just pure good.

i felt the baby move in my sisters womb.

her first baby was shielded by a thick wall of an anterior placenta, but this new baby pressed right against my palm.

my palm stained with blackberry juice. i picked them in the cow field, two quarts of them to make into jam. the cows thought they’d like to lower their wide noses into my bucket of berries; they followed me like giant puppy dogs.

reaching over barbed wire, reaching through blackberry briars, my hands and arms are still scratched deep. but every berry i picked into my bucket made me think that this is a worthy analogy for recovery.

you’re handed an empty bucket and told to fill it. how in the world could i ever fill it? then berry by berry, they start to go in. you get scraped, but it starts to build up. first you can no longer see the bottom, then the weight begins to pull on your arm. you get stronger. it is filling up. and it is all for something. to feed yourself, to love yourself. to stay around to see another baby be born.

• made it to my parents

• my niece is, in fact, in the stage of toddler-hood where she has infinite energy and wants to defy everyone… but shit i love her so much i just let her lead me around we’re probably gonna get in trouble together

• i have DAYS worth of spanish notes to catch up on but i’m just gonna flop and scroll pinterest instead

we are ready to hit the road in the morning

i have created a monster. i now find it impossible to bake a batch of cookies without the final roll in sprinkles.

therapy was good today! we called it a “weatherproofing” session before i go see my parents. being a deconstructed atheist among diehard evangelicals is always a time, but at least i’m feeling prepared.

i’m going to watch Sleepless in Seattle then pack the rest of my things 💫