i'm going to give my inner child a gun

before I start the entitled bitching, I want to preface that I absolutely hate that this is the way I respond to things like this. I hate the desire, the literal need, to be completely special and unique. it fucking sucks and it creeps into practically every area of my life and makes me feel like shit no matter if I achieve the theoretical standard for uniqueness I've set for myself. I hate it so much. it gets in the way of fucking everything. I'm trying to work on it but I'm not making much fucking progress lmao. ok anyways.

a person started talking about, like, secondhand religious trauma. the trauma of being exposed to toxic religious beliefs a lot while not actually being in the religion or having anything to do with it past that exposure. and like. yeah, man, that sucks, I'm sorry. but... do you actually think that's at all comparable to the direct, firsthand experience..?? like. I know I'm being a bitch. their pain is valid. but it just pisses me off when people like... try to talk as if two experiences are similar when they're just Not.

and I hate how damn defensive I can get when it comes to religion. it's a swing, I'm either all for criticism and bashing toxic religious ideas and people (and may go a bit too far with it lol oops), or I try to defend them for some fucking reason. almost like I'm trying to defend the person I used to be, I guess. but it's confusing for both me and other people.

so, anyone else who lived in an abusive/toxic home or had an abusive/toxic relationship or whatever relate to these things?

being able to open things (ie. the fridge, drawers, containers, doors, soda cans) much quieter than others usually can

always wearing socks, because trying to walk barefoot on anything other than carpet makes too much noise

obsessively checking the volume of your music or when using headphones for anything else to make sure no one can hear it other than you

making sure to put anything you have moved EXACTLY back in place after you got what you needed

im not stupid or being performative. thats just what i was taught and shown growing up and then given No genuine counter evidence for.

and i understand that these unhealthy beliefs are my responsibility to unpack and fix. i just dont appreciate or feel very motivated to even change them when people act like its my fault for having them in the first place. i want to work on it, and i am. but it takes more time than it does to have another person act like this towards me or someone that i see. so for now i will be a little miffed about it!

i dont believe “marriage is bad/stupid/a trap” or “marriage only leads to unhappiness” because i think im, like, too smart for ~Love~ or ~Emotion~ or ~Attachment~, or whatever it is you think i think i am. i believe that because Every marriage i’ve witnessed growing up, both my own caregivers’ and those of my friends as a kid, has been unhealthy at best. that’s just what you tend to see in a very christian and conservative environment, from my experience. at least one of the two has ALWAYS been extremely unhappy and showed that very clearly. what else was i supposed to think? if i was never been shown that happy marriages can and do exist, what else was there to believe?

i dont believe “love doesnt exist” or “love is a lie” or “love is bad” because i’m edgy or trying to be cool. I believe that because all sources of “love” in my life have been extremely conditional. for me, the love WAS a lie. it DIDN’T exist. but i was continually told it was love. so obviously i’m going to connect Love with Betrayal/Pain/Fear. i genuinely thought at one point that the “price” for love was abuse. that love even had a price in the first place. that you had to hurt to be able to experience good things. that if someone does something good for me, they were allowed to--and supposed to--hurt me as badly as they wanted (and unfortunately ended up also twisting that belief to apply to me as the “giver” as well. but thats mostly in the past now).

etc etc.