i realllllly hate being ridiculed/criticized as a, like, āedgelordā or āstick in the mudā when I express a thought of mine that seems very stupidly edgy or depressing or something like that. or seeing others rag on other people who express the same or similar thought.
im not stupid or being performative. thats just what i was taught and shown growing up and then given No genuine counter evidence for.
and i understand that these unhealthy beliefs are my responsibility to unpack and fix. i just dont appreciate or feel very motivated to even change them when people act like its my fault for having them in the first place. i want to work on it, and i am. but it takes more time than it does to have another person act like this towards me or someone that i see. so for now i will be a little miffed about it!
i dont believe āmarriage is bad/stupid/a trapā orĀ āmarriage only leads to unhappinessā because i think im, like, too smart for ~Love~ or ~Emotion~ or ~Attachment~, or whatever it is you think i think i am. i believe that because Every marriage iāve witnessed growing up, both my own caregiversā and those of my friends as a kid, has been unhealthy at best. thatās just what you tend to see in a very christian and conservative environment, from my experience. at least one of the two has ALWAYS been extremely unhappy and showed that very clearly. what else was i supposed to think? if i was never been shown that happy marriages can and do exist, what else was there to believe?
i dont believe ālove doesnt existā or ālove is a lieā orĀ ālove is badā because iām edgy or trying to be cool. I believe that because all sources of āloveā in my life have been extremely conditional. for me, the love WAS a lie. it DIDNāT exist. but i was continually told it was love. so obviously iām going to connect Love with Betrayal/Pain/Fear. i genuinely thought at one point that the āpriceā for love was abuse. that love even had a price in the first place. that you had to hurt to be able to experience good things. that if someone does something good for me, they were allowed to--and supposed to--hurt me as badly as they wanted (and unfortunately ended up also twisting that belief to apply to me as the āgiverā as well. but thats mostly in the past now).
etc etc.
i dont want to believe these things. i would love to live a life where i see these things in a positive and good light. but unfortunately this is the hand life has given to me. and as i try to reshuffle and fix the deck, i would appreciate some benefit of the doubt.
