Don't dream it, be it

So um... my parents had to put down my cat, Ellie, yesterday. She was about 16. I managed today and continued my life like normal, because I have to and I don't like showing my emotions sometimes, but I have to say something because she matters to me and I'm just... so broken any time I'm alone and think about her. The pain is just as bad as it was when we had to put down Whiskers, but it's different. I wasn't there to see Ellie pass, and I was not able to pet her or comfort her in her last moments. And it's... difficult to imagine that she's gone, too. I didn't have to stop my day or anything, it just happened without me. I knew it was going to happen at some point, me being over in another country, away from my family, but just hearing about it and not being there is hard.