The inner workings of my brain

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Well

I did it

I lost the weight

I weigh less than I did when I was 12 years old

I only fit in small and medium clothes, and mediums are usually a little big

My shoes are all loose now

I've had to buy all new clothes because they were falling off of me

My BMI is in the "underweight" range

It's everything I've ever wanted and ya wanna know something?

I'm still not happy

It didn't fix anything

I don't feel any better, if anything I feel worse

I can't stand up without almost passing out

I get bruises just from carrying things that are heavy

I can't focus on anything

I can hardly get my eyes to focus long enough to read anything

I'm so tired all the time, I could sleep for days probably

I can't even make myself eat even if I wanted to because eating anything makes me nauseous

This isn't better

This is worse

I've been slowly killing myself trying to be happy with my body and I didn't even get that because it's not fucking possible when you have this god damn disease

I'm not gonna tell anyone to stop because I know from experience that that doesn't help, but God I pray everyone fighting this shit gets help before it really gets bad

My entire fucking life there has been just something about me that makes people not like me, that makes me worse than other people and God I have no idea what it is

What's wrong with me?

What's so bad about me?

What did I fucking do wrong???

I see my peers from school getting great jobs in our field and getting so many opportunities and I don't understand why I'm not getting any

Is my work that terrible? Is it really that bad? Please God can someone fucking tell me already so I know and I can stop fooling myself into thinking that I can actually do this?

Why do I not deserve it?

What is so bad about me? Why do people not like me? What is wrong with me that makes people not like me? Please God can someone fucking tell me because it just hurts so fucking bad and I can't do anything to fix it if I don't know what it is

I try so fucking hard, I try to be kind and compassionate and giving and selfless and loyal and it's never fucking enough and I don't know why

God I hate every single thing about myself to my fucking core but I still don't know what exactly is the thing that makes me so fucking unlikable to people

Am I annoying? Am I selfish? Am I too much? Am I boring?