Transcripts

Here is the rea-, these are the reasons why bitches be gettin' their feelings hurt. Especially when it comes down to me, bitch, because I am filterless.

Now I'm gonna play to you this fuckshit of what one of my followers sent me, and they wanted my responses.

Let me, let me start this over, so I can show you motherfuckers how... It's really ignorant motherfuckers in the world right now who still think like this.

They be up in my inbox, and talkin' shit under my comments. And then they get their motherfuckin' feelings hurt when I snap back.

[Video plays] "Now this video right here is for all the transsexuals, transgender or whatever you wanna call it. Um, I don't respect the fact that y'all cuttin' your dick off and really tryin' to be women, and then downplayin' women at the same time like y'all better than us, 'cause y'all've been payin' for some titties, and y'all pay for a little bit of ass.

That shit ain't cool. Y'all playin' our men like y'all really women, like... What niggas gotta start doing all these, start checkin' our birth certificates, checkin' for stretch marks. That shit ain't cool. Y'all fuckin' our future up for our kids. How can I explain to my child, "Uh, baby, some women aren't really women. They cut they penises off and became women"? What type of shit is that? And then y'all extra'd out with this shit, like y'all really women, like shit that women don't really do, y'all do. If you bitches don't bleed, you bitches ain't women. Period." [Video ends]

And then at the end of that, she looked at the camera, and then she made like a really nasty face towards the camera.

Now, firstly for her, I'm not really bothered by Miss Thing, 'cause you can obviously tell by the shit that she's sayin' that Miss Thing is just bothered, I mean, Miss Thing is just mad. She just one of those small person who just bitches, who's just upset, who knows? Maybe a tranny fucked her nigga or somethin', I don't know, because it seems like Miss Thing got this like personal vendetta against the trannies. That's what it sounds like to me.

But number one when it comes down to that whole situation, what bothered me is when it came down to Miss Thing sayin' that motherfuckers is trickin' niggas. Are you bitches out there who keep thinkin' that? You stupid, and once again you don't know what the fuck you talkin' about. You're one of those bitches that's just recordin' shit, bitch, because you got a phone.

Bitch, ain't nobody motherfuckin' trickin' - now, I don't! But bitches have a real hard time motherfuckin'  believin', honey, that motherfuckin' tranny grew up and got a motherfuckin' [inaudible]. Bitch!

Really? You don't believe that. You don't believe that. 'Cause number one, I got tranny all over my motherfuckin' page. Tranny, tranny, tranny, transgender, transgender, transgender, transgender, transgender, all up over my motherfuckin' page. And motherfuckers steady comin' up under my comments talkin' 'bout, "Oh she must be trickin' niggas."

What the fuck am I trickin' a nigga for? Number one, bitch, do I look like I gotta trick a nigga? Bitch I don't, I don’t have to do none of that. What are you talkin' about? There's a bitch who just don't know what the fuck she talkin' about.

And then what also bothered me, 'cause bitches like you, bitch, you are the reason that kids kill themselves. Bitch, you are the motherfuckin' reason that your man is probably fuckin' around on you with a tranny... or a nigga. And then don't wanna tell you. And bitch, [inaudible] you will wake up honey with the sauce, bitch. Them [inaudible]. Just because your ignorant...

And it's so motherfuckin' sad because it's bitches like you who run around out here, just because your life got... It sounds like, bitch, you've probably never even been outside your motherfuckin' hood.

Bitch, simply, bitch, because you can't broaden your motherfuckin' horizons, bitch, and open your mind to somethin', bitch, in 2015, bitch, that the whole motherfuckin' world gotta stay, bitch, in a generation, or in the motherfuckin' mindset that your d*mbass is so you gon' get on the internet and just spew this bullshit out. Because you ain't used to gettin' from around poo poo in a motherfuckin' trap house.

So because your ass been deprived of experiencin' life, and experiencin' new things, and opening your ignorant ass mind, bitch, everybody's supposed to think like that? No, booboo.

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Is it a white woman’s confirmation? Is it her head nod? Is it the way she’s allowed to go on national television and autocorrect the Bible and God himself, tell Him who His son really was?

What makes a Black man a Black man?

Is it the way reporters retell their deaths like fairy tales? Is it the way they cannot outrun a bullet?

How can she say Jesus was a white man when he died the Blackest way possible? With his hands up. With his mother watching, crying at his feet, her tears nothing more than gossip for the news reporters or prophets to document. With his body left to sour in the sun. With his human stripped from his Black, remember that?

How the whole world was saved by a Black man? By a man so loved by God he called him kin, called him Black. Now ain’t that suspicious? Ain’t that newsworthy?

Ain’t that something worth being killed over?

[Button Poetry button logo]

[Poetry Slam Inc. logo]

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Roy Reed: [Laughs]

Hillary Clinton: But you know what was sad about it was that the prosecutor had evidence, among which was his underwear.

Roy Reed: His what?

Hillary Clinton: His underwear, his underwear, which was bloody. Sent down to the crime lab for [unintelligible] to perform a [unintelligible].

The crime lab took the pair of underpants, neatly cut out the part that they were gonna test, tested it, came back of the result of what kind of blood it was, and what was mixed in it, then sent the pants back with a hole in it as evidence.

Roy Reed: [Laughter]

Hillary Clinton: So I got an order to see the evidence and the prosecutor didn't want me to see the evidence. I had to go to Maupin Cummings and convince Maupin that yes indeed I had a right to see the evidence [laughing] before it was presented.

So they presented the underpants with a hole in it. I said, "What kind of evidence is that?" You know, a pair of underpants with a hole in it. Of course the crime lab had thrown away the piece that they'd cut out. It was really odd. I mean, I plea bargained it down because they didn't have any, it turned out they didn't have any evidence.

But I took-, I happened to be going to New York and I took the underpants with me, I got a special court order. And I went to Brooklyn, where this man whose name I now cannot remember who had shared in the Nobel Prize for his work on the RH factor and was one of the real premier investigators who deal with blood, he had retired from Sloan-Kettering or some place up there.

He still lived in the same house where his father had been born and now had a huge fence around it. It was sort of this bombed-out section of Brooklyn. And he had taken a real interest in forensics work, and so he would analyze bloodstains if he got interested in the case.

And so the story through the grapevine was if you get him interested in the case, then, you know, you had the foremost expert in the world willing to testify, so that it came out the way you wanted it to come out. So I wrote him and got an appointment to see him and took a taxi over to this section of Brooklyn that I had never heard of, never seen before. Got through the gates, got into his office, and he had a little, he had a basement just absolutely packed with detective magazines and things like that.

Roy Reed: [Laughs]

Hillary Clinton: And he sat at his little desk and I pulled out my underpants, you know, gave 'em to him and he started analyzing, looking at the fibers, you know, magnifying glass, all that stuff.

He said, "You can't, you know, you can't prove anything!" You can't [?] even exactly see a slight trace, but it wouldn't be enough to test, all that. So I wrote back, told Mahlon Gibson that I had... Well, sorry I can't remember his name but I cut out who's who and I wrote all that stuff and I handed it to Mahlon Gibson and I said, "Well this guy's ready to come from New York to prevent this [laughing] miscarriage of justice!"

Roy Reed: [Laughs]

Hillary Clinton: So we were gonna plea bargain. So I went before Maupin Cummings to present the plea, and Maupin said, "What is this case?" "Well, first degree rape and uh... but you know, he's dropping the charges.” Dropping it to... I can't remember, something like five years, something like that.

So Maupin had to, you know under law he was supposed to determine whether the plea was factually supported. Maupin asked me to leave the room while he examined my client so that he could find out if it was factually supported. I said, "Judge, I can't leave the room, I'm his lawyer." He said, "I know but I don't wanna talk about this in front of you."

Roy Reed: Oh god, really? [Laughs]

Hillary Clinton: Yes, that was Maupin. Had a lot of fun with Maupin.

Roy Reed: The old-

Hillary Clinton: But anyway, I did some of that

Roy Reed: How did it turn out?

Hillary Clinton: Oh, he plea bargained. Got him off with time served in the county jail, he'd already been in the county jail about two months.

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My dad had decided he wanted a mail-order bride. He never hid it from his kids. Over plates of spaghetti he'd pass out the latest mail-order bride catalog and tell us to "pick out the ones you like." My sister and I always picked out the pretty ones with nice smiles. I don't think we really understood what we were looking at. It seemed like a Sears wishbook for moms.

Then one day this Filipino beauty arrived. Her name was Pura. She was 25 years old, and she married my father in a Justice of the Peace ceremony. And instead of taking his new bride on a honeymoon, my dad took off for one of his month-long business trips overseas, and we three kids were left in the care of a woman he'd found in a catalog.

My siblings and I dealt with Poora in different ways. My sister Allie made trouble. My brother Jeff became invisible. But I was the middle child, and I wanted things to work. I was 100% on board for Pura as our new mother. I asked Pura if I could call her "mom." She said, "Call me Pura."

I tried to be exactly like her. When Pura ate fish eyes and sucked the marrow out of chicken bones, so did I. Pura told me that when she was a girl, she'd slept with a clothespin on her nose to make it look more American. So I started pressing my nose flat to my face to make it look more Filipino.

In fifth grade, when my teacher went around the room asking us what nationality we were, I told her, "Filipino."

She looked at my pale, freckled skin and blue eyes and asked again. "Really?"

I nodded. "Yup. I'm Filipino."

Through my whole teenage years, I continued to expect Pura to suddenly start acting like the moms in the Judy Blume books I loved. When I was twelve, I asked Pura if she could show me how to shave my legs. I had it in my mind she would jump at the chance, and we would giggle and bond. She wasn't interested.

When I got my first period, I didn't know what had happened. Not because I wasn't expecting it, but because it wasn't red like blood, more... brownish. So I just put my soiled underpants in the laundry hamper. A week later, a giant box of generic sanitary pads appeared on my bed. I asked Pura why they were there, and she looked down at me and said, "You got your period, stupid!"

It wasn't that Pura didn't like me. She just had no desire to be a mother to me. And all this made me closer to my dad. He was gone a lot of work, sometimes months at a time. But when he was around, he had this way of swooping in at key moments. He was the one who helped me shave my legs when Pura refused to do it, using his Bic razor and his Edge shaving gel. He was also the one who took me shopping for my first bra.

And I was there for him. You see, his marriage to Pura was never a good one. It was basically hellish fighting followed by silent treatments. And I was my dad's apologist; whenever Pura or my siblings got mad at my dad, I defended him. I backed him up.

So it's not surprising to me that I was the one my dad came to years later when he needed to confess to someone in our family that he actually had a second family.

I was in college when my dad told me that after only a few years of marriage to Pura, and unbeknownst to us all, he had started a new relationship with another Filipina woman. This one lived in the Philippines. Her name was Jodin*, and they had two children together. I was home on break for Thanksgiving when he broke the news to me, that basically he had been lying to our whole family for years. That his prolonged business trips weren't just for business, they were trips so that he could visit and take care of his other family.

But I didn't freak out. I wanted to be there for my dad. I knew that yes, what my father was doing was terrible, and bizarre, and wrong. But somehow my next thought was, "Maybe he has a good reason."

Finally, after sixteen years of marriage, Pura sued my father for divorce. And as a lot of you may know, divorce is hard on everybody. Raise your hand out there if your parents are divorced and they expected you to take sides. That's the worst, right?

Okay, now raise your hand if your stepmother snuck into your father's house and snatched a bunch of documents and possibly a gun, and then got so mad she stabbed the couch to death with a kitchen knife.

In a divorce case lasting five years, my father appeared in court a total of zero times. As the case progressed, the following things about my father became clear:

We discovered he had moved almost all of his money to a offshore bank account in the Bahamas.

We discovered that he'd applied for several credit cards in the name of our parrot, Rania Clarke, and then maxed them out.

And we discovered that the only checking account he had access to in the United States was in the name of this Thai man my father used to do business with, named Pechit Asfulpluprang*. I know it sounds like I'm making up that name, but it's a real name.

And the final and most upsetting discovery was when my father informed me he had moved to the Philippines and was going to stay there, with no intentions of ever settling his divorce with Pura.

So Pura had no other recourse; she sued me and my brother and sister for $200,000. Actually, technically, we had to sue her. You see, the judge was going to award Pura the house we all grew up in, since my dad was doing nothing to intervene. But this was the house that my mom had left us when she died, it was also the house my sister and her son Troy were currently living in, so the three of us fought Pura in court.

During the trial the judge made a statement from the bench. She said she admired us kids for sticking together. Then she said my father was not a good man, which was the first time I'd heard someone who wasn't married to my father accuse him of that.

In the end, we offered Pura a cash settlement, and she accepted. We mortgaged the hell out of the house to get Pura the money. We kids paid for our father's divorce, $200,000.

The last time I spoke to my dad was about a month after the trial ended. I was in a cab in New York City, late for an appointment, and my father called me from the Philippines. I told him that we lost the court case, and before I could stop myself, I asked him what he thought we should do. As if he was going to fix it. I still thought he would do the right thing, that he would be a dad.

But he didn't do the right thing. He didn't swoop in and help. He just avoided the question. Then he told me not to give anyone his cell phone number, especially Pura. I hung up the phone and burst into tears, and yes, I know it's crazy that I hadn't already written my dad off by this point. I just didn't get it.

I knew that Pura was never the mom I so badly wanted, but I just couldn't see that my dad was never really the dad I thought he was. I always thought that of the two of them, he was my one real parent. I was wrong. That was almost the worst part, that I had been in such denial about my dad for so long. What the judge said during our trial was right. My father was not a good man.

That phone call was seven years ago. I haven't talked to my father since. And that's not a decision I consciously made. I never said "I'm never speaking to my father again." It just happened.

Then a couple of months ago I was at work when my sister told me that my father had came up as a suggestion on Facebook as one of her "People You May Know." I asked her to send me the link.

I went into my office and pulled up his page. It was so weird seeing him. So much time had passed, he had stopped being a person to me. He had just become an idea, a story I would tell. But there he was on my computer screen, standing on a mountain with his arm around Jodin, his second Filipino bride. Smiling, older, heavier. He was real, and I thought, "That man. He's my father."

Ira Glass: Jackie Clarke. She's a comedian who currently writes for the ABC sitcom "Happy Endings." Her twitter handle is JackieClarke.

It may not come as a surprise that some facts in this story are in dispute. Pura declined to comment about whether she took some documents and maybe a gun from her husband, and/or stabbed a couch.

Jackie's dad, who we reached by email, suggested that Jackie is an embellisher and quote, "a rather vulgar comedian." Her dad wrote that he did not have offshore bank accounts, though court documents indicate that in fact he did.

Jackie's dad had said that he did have a checking account under the name of Pechit Asfulpluprang, but quote, "under agreement and request by a Thai-Chinese associate" endquote. He wrote that he did not apply for credit cards under the family parrot's name, though he did confirm that the parrot's name is Rania. Rania is still alive.

Asked if he is now or has ever been on Facebook, he replied, quote, "I do not engage in social advertising sites," endquote.

Jackie's sister and brother told us that they have the same memories of their father doing these things as Jackie does.

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*Unfortunately, I had to guess the spellings for these names. Please let me know if you have the correct spellings!

So, to back up and give a little context, about four or five months ago, whatever, back in April, I got an audition for a movie called "Anything." It was for a small part - not the part that Matt Bomer is cast in, but a small part - to play a waitress who had two short scenes, and the part was written for a transgender person. It was meant to be a transgender waitress so, and they wanted to cast a transgender actress for that role.

So, I read for that part and got a callback. I was never considered for the lead role which the casting director told me had been precast with Matt Bomer in mind. I mentioned to the casting director that I thought that was really problematic and I explained why and I also went on to tell him like, "They will get eviscerated in the press when this movie finally comes out because of that."

And he kind of- I don’t actually remember what his response was, he was a very nice guy and I don't wanna impugn him, he was just the casting director.

I was then called in for callback and I met the writer-director Timothy McNeil, who was lovely.

Uh, I will be honest, 'cause I wanna be very clear about this, on the way to that callback I was nervous 'cause I had read the script, and, um... it's not a great role, frankly, the role that Matt Bomer is playing for a whole host of reasons and I was really uncomfortable with the fact that Matt had been cast. I thought it would do damage to trans people and I didn't wanna be a part of the project.

So I asked my agent whether I should even go to the callback or not given that I wouldn't accept the role if they offered it. And her advice at the time which I think was totally rational for an unknown actress who is trying to make her way in Hollywood was, "Don't say anything, and then if you get cast you can have that conversation with him."

And that made sense to me. So I went to the callback, it wasn't a great callback I'll be honest, and I did not get the part.

I will be honest too - and again this is me speculating, I don't know for sure - but I think I didn't get the part because I didn't look trans enough.

And let me clarify what that means: myself and a lot of other trans actresses including Isis King, Angelica Ross, Rain Valdez, Trace Lysette, Jamie Clayton, we have all lost roles, on multiple occasions that were written for trans women because we didn't “look trans enough."

And what that means is the directors and producers want a character who the audience will read as trans, 'cause it's part of the story or for whatever reason they want that character to be known as trans.

So if there isn't a part in the film that's like crystal clear that makes it very explicit that the character is trans, they rely on the audience just being able to see them as trans.

So for a lot of us who don't fit what our culture thinks of trans women looking like don't get those roles because we “don't look trans enough."

I think, but I don't know, that I didn't get that part because they wanted it to be a trans character, but there's no lines about her being trans, so they went with a different actor, someone who doesn't actually even identify as a trans woman - but is a fantastic actor! - so that makes me think that they wanted someone who would be read as trans by the audience and that's why I didn't get that part.

I was never considered for the lead role that Matt Bomer plays, I don't think any trans woman was. My understanding from the casting director was that he had been precast and that's how the film got made, which is very typical in Hollywood.

So, I left the callback and kind of just forgot about it, honestly. I didn't speak up to the writer-director in the room, in retrospect I wish I had. But I then just kind of put it out of my mind. And if I'm really, brutally honest - and I hate critiquing other people’s work in this way, but if I'm really honest, I didn't think the movie was gonna get made.

Given Matt Bomer's casting, given the whole rhetoric around trans people in casting, and given that the script... god, I'm just gonna be really blunt: It's not that good! It just kinda like full of cliches, and old cliches, so I kind of didn't think it was gonna get made and I put it out of my mind.

Flash forward to a few days ago, I catch the news that the movie HAS been made, it's already been shot, it's in the can, and there's starting to come-, news about it come out and so I spoke up on Twitter.

And here's where I wanna clarify my points really quickly. I know this is already long, and thank you for even staying this far into it.

I have a few objections to cis people playing trans roles, more specifically to cis men playing trans women. That is my specific objection, and there's a whole lot of nuance and gray area here, but these are my big points.

First, there's an aesthetic argument, in that I think trans people play trans parts better than cis people, because we have that lived experience. When Eddie [Redmayne], or Jared [Leto], or Jeffrey [Tambor] or Matt play a trans woman, if they do a really good job like I think Eddie did, and Jeffrey too, they are tapping into kind of, their own femininity and really leaning into that. But then it becomes more about the person acting out their gender rather than the character in the story.

For trans actors, it's not about us performing a gender, we just are trans, we are trans women in this case, and then we can just act out the character in the part and the story. So I think that trans people do these roles better.

Now, one of the counterarguments is that, "Well, there's no trans actors." That's patently false, obviously, there's a whole lot of us and I've already named just a few.

Another argument is that, "Well, no trans actor's big enough to carry the film." Yeah, that's probably true for some of these films, but also bear in mind that "Tangerine" was one of the most successful movies of last year and it had two totally unknown trans leads in it, so a really good story, innovative filmmaking, great characters, great performances outweigh those other considerations.

So moving on beyond that, I do think there's kind of a political, economic argument for hiring trans people, and that we are a marginalized community. We need jobs, we need opportunities, and we'll never be big enough to carry a big role unless we get you know, smaller roles and get our foot in the door.

And that's something to the credit of shows like "Transparent" and "The Danish Girl" and "Anything", there are several smaller parts for trans people, and "The Danish Girl" hired me as a consultant so I got to talk to Eddie and Tom [Hooper] about that movie, and quite a few- a lot of trans people have been hired on Transparent both as onscreen actors and behind the scenes. So, some of these things are doing that well.

Pardon my voice, I've been talking all day long, so I am tired.

All that being said, as an actor, as a writer, as a director: I want artistic freedom. I want it for myself and I want it for others. I wanna be able to write any story I can think of and I wanna be able play any part I can think of, and I want the same for other people.

And that aesthetic, that idea of artistic liberty and freedom outweighs almost everything else for me. There's only other thing that outweighs that, and that's the actual lives of trans people. And this is why I made that argument, this is why I got so upset and why I went on about this on Twitter.

Trans women are being murdered in this country with impunity, and it's been happening forever, and it happens even worse globally. This year there have been at least nineteen murders of trans women that we know about, and there've been over 300 in Brazil, and there will be in the thousands globally over the course of the year.

In this country, it's almost always young, poor, Black and Latina trans women, often sex workers. So basically people who are already marginalized, who already have it really hard, they're the ones who are most vulnerable to these kinds of conditions.

Now, as someone who has studied this issue a lot, I don't have, you know, any kind of exclusive insight but I do have an informed insight from having been a part of this world for a long time, having talked to tons and tons of sex workers, having- frankly, had tons of sex with trans men and talked to survivors of violence and talked to men who hire trans sex workers, I know what the story is, and this is what happens:

Straight men are attracted to trans women. That's a fact. You can argue all you want, and I don't care, like as a trans woman I deal with it constantly. Men are attracted to me whether they know I'm trans or not, and then there are also men who are attracted to me because I'm trans. These men, 99% of the time, are straight. And I mean like totally, 100%, fully straight. They have no interest in men, they've never dated men, they only date women and that includes cis women and trans women.

I know a lot of you are gonna scream about "Oh, those men are secretly gay" and all of that stuff. It's just bullshit. if you talk to trans women they'll tell you all this. We know.

So what happens though is that straight men hook up with trans women and then they are worried that other people are gonna think that they're gay or somehow less masculine for being with a trans woman, and then they reassert their masculinity through violence. They end up hurting us.

The reason that that happens is because they're afraid that other people are gonna think that they're gay or less masculine for liking a trans woman even though they're straight. It's not a matter of them being gay and closeted, it's a matter of them being straight and not wanting to be seen as somehow less masculine.

Now obviously that taps into homophobia which is it's own bigger issue too, but the part that I wanna focus on is that it's because other people will say that they're really gay for liking a trans woman.

The reason that people say that, the reason that people think that, is at least in part - and I think a significant part - due to the fact that when we think of trans women in media, when we think of the kinds of depictions that have the most reach, aside from Laverne [Cox] and Caitlyn [Jenner], which is a relatively new phenomenon, we think of movies and TV shows, which have traditionally had men playing these parts.

We think of Jared Leto winning an Oscar for playing Rayon on "Dallas Buyers Club", Eddie Redmayne getting an Oscar nomination for playing Lili in "The Danish Girl", and Jeffrey Tambor winning an Emmy for playing Maura on "Transparent", and now Matt Bomer in "Anything."

So when Jared Leto gets up and accepts his award for playing a trans woman with a full beard, the world thinks, "Oh, okay, underneath it all, it's still a man. Behind trans women it's really just a guy with good makeup and good hair, etc."

And that's true for those men who are playing these parts, but it's not true for actual trans women who live our life 24/7 as women and have always been women even before we transitioned. That's a huge difference.

No one sees Laverne as a boy, they just see her as Laverne. Same with Jamie Clayton and Angelica Ross and myself, we are women, so we don't trigger that same kind of anxiety.

But Matt Bomer, Eddie Redmayne, Jared Leto, and Jeffrey Tambor are a lot more popular than us and that affects that perception a lot more than we do, and that's why I say that these kinds of depictions actually do lead to violence against trans women.

I know that sounds hyperbolic and people wanna fight me on that, but I've spent a lot of time looking at this and thinking about it and I really believe that's true, and so do a lot of other peope.

So I do think that artists have a responsibility. Artistic freedom is important but it shouldn't be at the expense of actual human lives, particularly the lives of people who are already so marginalized and already have to struggle so much just to stay alive.

So I guess that's the bulk of it, of what I wanted to say, hopefully that clarifies some things, maybe I'll come back and explain more, but thanks for listening.

There's a lot of great trans artists out there. Let's work with them.

And Mark Ruffalo, if you happen to be listening to this [laughing], I would love to talk to you more about this. I don't think you're evil, I think you're trying to do something good, I think you care and I think you have an open mind, and I love your work.

So I would love to chat with you about why this matters to really explain it in full and also talk about how to move forward in a positive way, because there are still things you can do that will mitigate the damage of this movie. So, you know,  call me.

All right, Thank you all for listening I really appreciate it. [blows kiss] Bye.

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And I find that really interesting, I mean, that’s the part that you see. You don’t see, you know, after I’ve been to the bathroom, you don’t know that part. But you see my face, like after I have a meal. No- not one of you ever asked me that. And I think that’s important.

[Footage of Tommy drinking from a water bottle. Music plays]

So how do I know when to stop wiping anything? So for example if I spill a drink, right, how do I know when to stop wiping to clean it up? I have to look, and try to examine and figure out where it all went and get as much of it as I possibly can. So instead of using a couple of paper towels maybe I’m using you know, 10 of 'em or 12 of 'em, but I don’t care.

See, my job is to clean up the spill. If I spill a cola, for example, and I don’t get all of it there’s gonna be a sticky spot that I will eventually find and then I can go back and get it. It might attract bugs, and I don’t want that in my house, please. Those freak me out.

The simpler way for me to answer this question for you might be to just show you one of those big redwood or sequoia trees, right? [camera panning up a redwood tree] That’s about how much toilet paper I might need [laughs].

[a beep is heard]

This is one of my favorite things to hear my phone or the computer say to me like on Twitter or Facebook.

[YouTube comment shown on screen, read by the computer]

“How do you know when to stop wiping after you go number 2?”

[Laughs] See what I mean? Hilarious!

[music playing. A clapperboard is shown being used in front of Tommy, presumably other takes from filming the video]

You know what also is funny, though? In every bathroom I’ve ever been in, not only is there a toilet, but there is a sink.

Does that make sense? So I poop in the sink! [laughs]

I like to do that in people’s houses sometimes, I go, come out the bathroom and go “Boy, its really high the toilet, isn’t it?” [laughs]

[music]

In person, people ask me that question a bit but I think I’ve heard it more online, honestly. I mean, every now and then somebody [putting on a voice] “Hey, uh, Tommy, you know, in the bathroom, you know, how you know when to stop wiping, you know what I mean?” [normal voice] and I’m like, I never quite know how to answer it, until now [chuckles]

You know, you guys sorta made me think about it more than anybody, so I thank you for that, and I, you know what? I hope you enjoy my answer. [chuckles]

To be honest, I’m a little pooped, I gotta stop this [laughs]

[Music playing as credits roll.

Credits:

Directed & Edited By

Ben Churchill

Photo “Toilet Paper” by Pete

Music “Hip-hop Rap Beat” by Hyde “Post Op” by Soundimage.org “Trio” by Prod. Locoflop “Latin Melancholic” by Paul Tyan]

[The Tommy Edison Experience

A Ben Churchill Production

Now availabe on

[Amazon logo] [Youtube logo] [Hulu logo]

[Facebook symbol] TOMMYEDISON

[Twitter symbol] BLINDFILMCRITIC

[Instagram symbol] BLINDFLIMCRITIC

[Tumblr symbol] BLINDFILMCRITIC]

[Dr. Phil voice] We have a place in Chula Vista, California, that I think will teach you exactly how to wipe and know when to finish, if you’re willing to commit to it

[normal voice] Thanks, Dr. Phil! [laughs]

———————————- 

Mom says, “I thought the problem was that you can’t get out of bed.” 

“I can’t. Anxiety holds me a hostage inside of my house, inside of my head.”

Mom says, “Where did anxiety come from?”

“Anxiety is the cousin visiting from out of town depression felt obligated to bring to the party. Mom, I am the party, only I am at a party I don’t want to be at.”

Mom says, “Why don’t you try going to actual parties, see your friends?”

“Sure, I make plans. I make plans, but I don’t wanna go. I make plans because I know I should want to go, I know sometimes I would have wanted to go. It’s just not that much fun having fun when you don’t wanna have fun, mom!”

“You see, mom, each night insomnia sweeps me up in his arms, dips me in the kitchen in the small glow of the stovelight. Insomnia has this romantic way of making the moon feel like perfect company.”

Mom says, “Try counting sheep.”

“But my mind can only count reasons to stay awake.

So I go for walks, but my stuttering kneecaps clank like silver spoons held in strong arms with loose wrists. They ring in my ears like clumsy churchbells, reminding me I am sleepwalking in an ocean of happiness I cannot baptize myself in.”

Mom says, “Happy is a decision.”

“But my happy is as hollow as a pinpricked egg. My happy is a high fever that will break.”

Mom says I am so good at making something out of nothing, and then flat out asks me if I am afraid of dying.

“No! I am afraid of living! Mom, I am lonely!

I think I learned how when dad left, how to turn the anger into lonely, the lonely into busy, so when I tell you I’ve been super busy lately, I mean I’ve been falling asleep watching Sports Center on the couch to avoid confronting the empty side of my bed.

But my depression always drags me back to my bed, until my bones are the forgotten fossils of a skeleton sunken city, my mouth a boneyard of teeth broken from biting down on themselves. The hollow auditorium of my chest swoons with echoes of a heartbeat.

But I am a careless tourist here. I will never truly know everywhere I have been.”

Mom still doesn’t understand.

“Mom!

Can’t you see, that neither can I?”

[Applause]

[music]

———————————- 

I’m mad that the government and media are controlled by the same people, and those same people are the same people who control everything.

I’m mad, women get raped - I hate that I only got three minutes to say this poem and I got about ten minutes worth of angry.

I'm mad that I can’t say that I am a socialist out loud. Mad that gays and lesbians can’t be out, loud and proud in the military, I’m pissed off ‘cause only 28 states allow everyone to unite in holy matrimony and while I appreciate civil unions... Fuck civil unions!

If I move, if I move to another state than the state of my civil union, is that state, what good is that gon' do for me in the state of Wyoming? And believe it or not, I’m still pissed the fuck off about slavery.

That’s right, I’m still mad ‘cause I still pick cotton off clothes racks and never rack up reparations. Mad, because niggers call each other niggAs, and sick ‘cause any minute sister girl is gonna turn around and call me a bitch.

I’m mad at Black men for reasons I don’t have time to list, I’m pissed off at hip hop, I’m pissed off at Black on Black crime, I’m pissed off that Ricky Rolls got all the crack and we can’t turn that ship back.

I’m pissed the fuck off, I’m mad, because above everything, at any given time and in any given space, I, as a Black woman, can suffer from racism, sexism, homophobia, classism. I can be raped, beat, be burned alive and NO ONE, not a single soul would look up to acknowledge my absence from this universe because I am insignificant, because I am a Black woman.

And finally, you see I have every right to be pissed the fuck off.

But most of the times, depsite what you believe, I’m really, really sweet.

[Filmed & edited by button poetry

www.poetryslam.com

www.facebook.com/PoetrySlamInc

www.individualworldpoetryslam.com]

———————————

[Facebook comments pop up as Jordan mentions the various comparisons.

Commenter 1: Wow, I didn’t realise Jordan had joined the cast of Orange is the New Black. He makes an impressive Boo replacement.

Attached is a picture of Lea DeLaria as Boo

Commenter 2: HAHAHAHAHA! Now the beard’s gone you look like Russell from “Up!”

Attached is a picture of Russell

Commenter 3 said nothing, and just shared a picture of Roz from “Monsters, Inc.”]

[Picture of Jordan, standing with hands in pockets, then a close up picture of Jordan in the same outfit, smiling.

Picture of Jordan without the beard, smiling.]

Well, the truth of the matter is there’s a very good reason for why I got rid of my beard. And a very, very good reason for why it is never, ever coming back: and that reason is I am transgender.

[Jordan addressing the camera]

No shit! That’s right, I’m a girl! I am transgender.

[Imitating Robbie Coltrane as Rubeus Hagrid] I’m a woman, Harry!

Gender dysphoria is something I can remember dealing with ever since I was a kid, but I learnt early on to be ashamed of it and to keep it a secret, and I did a really really good job of hiding it from everybody, including myself in a lot of ways.

But towards the end of 2014, whilst we were on tour in the UK, I reached a point where I couldn’t deny it anymore. And sitting by myself in a hotel room, I decided that if I wanted a shot at a happy life and a happy future, then I needed to transition.

I got back from tour in October 2014 and I came out to my family, my friends, and Benny and Lee. And then in March I started the transition process. There is a lot that’s changed physically and emotionally in the last year, but I have to say I am so much happier.

Initially, I thought I’d have to give up being a comedian and that transition and maintaining my life as a performer and singer were mutually exclusive.

[Pictures of The Axis of Awesome performances]

But then I started engaging with stories of other trans people in entertainment like Lana Wachowski and Laura Jane Grace, then I reached another point where I was like “Fuck that! I’m gonna carry on doing what I love, and I’m gonna enjoy every minute of it.”

[Pictures of Lana Wachowski and Laura Jane Grace are shown when they are mentioned]

In fact, I think it’s really important that I do, because being trans does not mean you have to give up on your life, or your friends, or your family, or your career, or your achievements. I’m gonna continue doing exactly what I was doing before, and I’m gonna be fucking awesome.

So over the last year, Lee and I launched “Insert Coin”

[Insert coin logo. Text: Insert-coin.com. Comedy for gamers]

and I’ve been writing a number of articles about transgender issues under a pseudonym.

[Screencap of a Junkee.com post. Text: Caitlyn Jenner Is The Transgender Hero We Deserve, But Is She The One We Need Right Now? By Nicola Fierce]

I also got to interview and meet Jeffrey Tambor about “Transparent”.

[Picture of Jordan with Jeffrey Tambor]

It’s a good show. It has my endorsement.

My preferred pronouns are she, her and hers, but I’ve decided to keep my first name. So I’m still Jordan, though I have new middle names.

[Pronouns slide on to the screen from the left as Jordan says them.

“Jordan Raskopoulos” slides in from the right when Jordan says she’ll be keeping her name. “Nicola” and “Bridget”, her new middle names, appear in between the text]

Also, my vocal range hasn’t changed, so when I sing I’m not gonna sound too different. And I have to say that Benny and Lee and have been so amazing over the last year.

[Newer picture of The Axis of Awesome is shown]

They’ve been instantly accepting and supportive, and I have to say that it’s wonderful that I get to work alongside those lovely men.

So that’s the deal. I don’t have a beard anymore because I’m a woman. It’s also the reason the YouTube channel was pretty quiet last year.

[Benny and Lee addressing the camera]

Lee: But now that the news is out, we’re gonna get things rolling again, quickity split.

Benny: We’ve got a new album out now, we’ve got a tour coming up, and we’ve got loads of music videos and sketches coming out in the YouTube channel very soon.

[Back to Jordan]

Jordan: So the beard’s gone. Sorry to all the fans of the beard. I’m not gonna answer any personal questions, but if you want to leave a message of support, feel free. But don’t be a dickhead! [laughs] See ya.

[Newer picture of The Axis of Awesome]

[Album cover for The Axis of Awesome’s “Viva la Vida Loca Las Vegas”. On-screen text: New album Out now!]

[Sample from their new album playing. Lyrics:

She will wear you out, viva la vida loca. Las Vegas...!]

———————————-

Guy #1: [looking around confused] Sara:  [waving] Guy #2: [Approaches Sara] Sara: Hi! Guy #3: [Walking up and offering his hand] Yeah, are you Sara? Sara: Hi [shaking hands with Guy #3] yeah, yeah. Hi! Guy #3: Nice to meet you. Sara: Nice to meet you too, have a seat [gestures at chair]. Guy #3: [pulls out chair and sits down] Sara: Hi [shaking hands with Guy #2] Guy #2: [getting into the chair] How are you? Sara: I’m good! How are you? [offering hand] Guy #2: I’m good. Sara: [throws hands up] It’s me! Guy #4: You look a little different than uh, than your picture. Guy #5: How old is your picture, uh, on your Tinder? Sara: Um... Not super old. Guy #5: Not super old? Sara: No, like maybe six months ago? Sara: [to Guy #2] Oh my god, you are so much cuter in person. Guy #2: Thank you, thank you. Sara: Yeah! Sara:  [to Guy #3] You actually, you look just like your photo, it’s so crazy. I saw you over there and I was like, [points] I’m like, 99 percent sure that’s him [laughs]. Guy #3: ‘Cause...I can’t say the same. You look... quite different. Sara: Oh, nice. Guy #2: You actually look so much different than your picture. Sara: You know, you’re the first person to tell me that! Guy #2: [skeptically] Really? Sara: Isn’t that funny? Guy #2: That’s so funny... Sara: I think, I think, well... maybe it’s you, I’ve been trying on this new lipstick. What do you, what do you think? [closes eyes and makes a kissy face] [talking to Guy #3] I really, I really love the color. I just love that reds are so big this season. Guy #3: I don’t mean to be rude, but in your photos you’re a lot skinner. Guy #1: You look kinda more... [waving hands out around his torso and in front of his stomach to indicate width] volumptous. Yeah... Sara: Maybe it’s... Maybe if I just, turn this way [turns in seat slightly and turns head to one side]. Guy #1: Um... Sara:  [laughs] Guy #1: Nah [laughs], I don’t think that that’s it. Sara: No, huh? Guy #1: No. Sara: Well, hey, different is good, right? You know? Guy #3: Depends, yeah. I guess. Sara: Um... So... You clicked on my profile for a reason. Guy #1: Are you... pregnant? Sara: No, I’m not. I’m not pregnant. Guy #5: Do you like to eat? Sara: I do. I do, yeah. Guy #5:I can have like a thirteen course meal out [laughing]. Sara: Oh my god, that’d be great! Sara: [to Guy #3] I’m sorry, you just seem really uncomfortable, are you okay? Guy #3: Yeah, no, I’m just a little... agitated. When you expect something to be some way and it’s not. Sara: This is me. It’s all about, you know, what’s inside, I think. Guy #3: Some people see it that way, some... Some people don’t. Guy #2: I’ve been on Tinder for [snorts]... probably a month now. But I don’t know, Tinder’s not really my thing. Sara: Oh, okay. More of a match.com guy? Guy #2: Yeah, I’m not too sure about online dating in general. Guy #1: I really don’t appreciate people lying to me. Sara: The dude just left. Guy #3: It’s very upsetting. I’m a little upset I wasted gas and my time, to come over here and I can’t do this. Sara: [watches guy leave. Gives a “Can you believe this?” look to the camera] Guy #2: I feel really bad about this because we, I know you came out here... Sara: Yeah, yeah. Guy #2: ...I came out here, I know I’m on Tinder and stuff but I’m actually married so...[gets up] Thank you, though. Guy #4: I need to use the restroom real quickly. Sara: Oh, yeah. Guy #4: You know where there is one? Sara: Oh yeah, actually, I think if you just go around the corner over here. [to the camera] I think it’s been like, fifteen minutes. [laughing] I don’t think he’s coming back. [to Guy #5] I have to admit, I haven’t been totally honest with you. This is not, this is not actually me. I have on makeup and everything, and this is actually a social experiment, and if you look there [points at camera] Guy #5: What? Sara: and right there [pointing] Guy #5: [begins to laugh] Sara: [pointing] and over there... Guy #5: Oh, man! Sara: There are some cameras. Guy #5: Like, you’re filming this? Sara: I know, isn’t that crazy? Guy #5: Hold on, hold on... So you’re not fat? [bends to look at Sara’s stomach under the table] Sara: [laughing] No, no. Guy #5: Dude, what?! Sara: And I have to tell you, you’re the only one who stuck around and was like, really sweet and really nice. Guy #5: No problem! Sara: Thanks for staying! Guy #5: I, you know, I like to be nice. Sara: The four other guys peaced out. Isn’t that crazy? Guy #5: Hey, you know... That sucks to be them. Kong: Hey guys, so we did the exact same experiment with the roles reversed. Click here to find out what happens when a guy puts on a fat suit. Also, be sure to subscribe to our channels because we’re gonna put on some amazing videos, and you don’t wanna miss them. See you next time.

———————————