My Inner Child is Tony Stark...

I realized a few months ago I have a very serious addiction to benzos and was having tolerance withdrawal symptoms.

My partner was doing a taper for me, not the best idea I know, but then I had horrible suicidal ideation (and was continuing to take too much ambien and other medications I still had.

I went to the hospital and begged to be admitted.

They reluctantly admitted e, but apparently the Italian psychiatrists don't believe in physical addiction to benzos, only psychological, so they are making me go cold turkey (with some meds to help with the anxiety and insomnia.).

They're probably gonna let me out tomorrow with meds but no plan for the horrible withdrawal I'm gonna get.

It's day 5 since they forced me to stop. Horrible anxiety. Diarrhea, lost appetite (I lost 6 kilos in the past 3 months, I am underweight. ) uncontrollable SI.

The plan I've come up with, because no psychiatrist will listen to me, is I'm taking a leave of absence and going to stay in my ex's basement . She has a husband and 2 grown kids and they can watch over me in this period of withdrawal better than my poor partner can. He is working two jobs right now.

The cancer is not back. Thats good. We have a new house, which is also good.

But after a month of unexplainable and unbearable insomnia and tachycardia, and several trips to the emergency room, my partner helped me finally break thru my denial and I realized my xanax is the problem.

I've taken too much for too long. I stopped alcohol two years ago and was very proud of myself. I stupidly didn't think about the danger of benzos. With my anxiety disorder and cptsd, I felt I needed them. And then with the cancer diagnosis I needed them more.

I'm very very scared about withdrawal. I want to stop but I need a good doctor to help me taper. I tried the national health service but they were useless. I have an expensive private appointment with a psychiatrist in two weeks. I'm not stopping cold turkey, I know that's dangerous.

I just feel like I need to admit it.