Headcannon that Spider-Man gets a reputation for being impossible to track by sheer luck and bad life choices.
SHEILD and countless government agencies are baffled at how heâs managed to avoid being monitored and located for so long meanwhile the metaphorical camera just pans over to this 15 year old vigilante about to engage in the height of stupidity every ten minutes.
SHEILD tryâs and fails to predict Spider-Manâs patrol route and debates how he always knows where crime will occur unaware that Peter has no designated route and simply follows his spider-sense.
Countless villains have tried spiking his food or drink meanwhile spyâs are watching in horror and astonishment as Peter Parker consumes his fourth cyanide laced Snapple that they left out to trap the vigilante
SHEILD trying to use gait recognition but fails because Peter Parker is just dragging his feet from exhaustion and constantly limping from injuries on patrol meanwhile Spider-Man practically never has a full minute of time where his feet are planted on the ground so they canât collect data.
SHEILD is carefully monitoring every single hospital in New York trying to figure out where Spider-Man goes when heâs injured but Peter in inevitably sitting in his bathtub quietly debating if bleach will work as a disinfectant for a stab wound.
Jameson sends private investigators to monitor Peter Parker and find out how he gets photos of Spider-Man and these poor detectives have to watch three days of this kid bed rotting not aware that heâs just passed out from a concussion and conserving energy.
Police try using tracking dogs but Spider-Man is always covered in strange alien slime or various mysterious substances from whatever freak of the week heâs fighting. Meanwhile they keep getting led to this random teenager waist deep in a dumpster fishing for trashed tech.
SHEILD keeps setting up teams to decipher the codes Spider-Man has left them but itâs just a mix of bad grammar, concussion typing and teenage brain rot lingo.
Nobody can get a solid read on Spider-Manâs build or description because the little shit is constantly contorted into strange arachnid like positions and keeps fluctuating his weight by like 30 pounds ever week depending on how much food heâs managed to shovel into his mouth.
SHEILD starts watching through street cameras to catch him unmasked but instead get really depressing footage of the spider themed vigilante splayed on the floor of sketchy alleyways trying to pick coins out of drain pipes and getting excited when he successfully grabs a entire dollar bill.
People start trying to monitor social media platforms and online searches but nobody can find the coloration between Peter searching âHow to stitch bullet wounds easy for beginnersâ and Spider-Man searching â Brand new day spark-notes rhetorical devicesâ
Mercenaries get hired to take out Spider-Man but he keeps scaring them off. Unrelated note Deadpool is for some reason now friends with this kid named Peter.
SHEILD is flabbergasted at how well Spiderman is trained to lose someone tailing him meanwhile itâs just Spider-man getting lost and improvising his way home.
Villains take Spider-Manâs photographer hostage to lure him out and the dude literally never shows up. What a prick.
The courts try to sue Spider-Man for property damage and vigilantism and the guy GENUINELY gets a lawyer named Matt. Fast forward a week and Spider-Man now wants a trademark on the hyphen between âSpiderâ and âmanâ
Everyone is losing their mind on how Spider-Man can be such a master of deception meanwhile his entire secret identity is dependent on the fact nobodyâs cross referenced Spider-Manâs patrol roots and Peter Parkerâs Pokemon Go history.
