Toxic Foundations

My Adoptive Parents beat me and tortured me.

To this very day my family only admits to it in private, but they try to blame me for what happened. I'm in my 40s now, but occasionally I remember these things as if they just happened. It only lasts for a few seconds. Therapy doesn't help because therapists are trained to blame people for the abuse they suffer, always claiming victims must have forced their abusers to do things to them; always absolving the abusers, and casting shame and doubt on the victims.

When I was three, the very first day I met my foster parents, my foster father beat me and choked and me, and forced me to eat food off the floor that I had an intolerace for, because he said I had to eat everything that was on my plate or he would send me to hell. It became a joke afterwards for the family to taunt me with the food I was allergic to.

When I was 6 or 7 my foster father found the bathroom toilet was backed up by toilet paper, called everyone into the bathroom, zeroed in on me, stuffed toilet paper in my mouth, turned me over and started wailing on me, screaming that I stuffed it up with toilet paper. I could see in my younger bothers terrifed eyes he was the one that did it, but he remained silent. Afterwards I was beated for having skid marks because I was terrified of using too much toiletpaper.

They used incidents like this to claim I had behavior problems; to dump all the blame of their rage into their victim. They started in on the other foster kids, but I usually stepped into their view to take the blunt of their attention.

When I a teenager my adoptive mother grabbed me by the hair while I was sleeping, pulled me off the top bunk, dragged me down a flight of stairs and into the laundry room, where she kicked me in the face and stomache and screamed at me until the rest of the house awoke. She claimed I left a sock in the dryer as a way to secretly disrespect her. At the time I wasn't even allowed to use the dryer and didn't do my own laundry until I was at boarding school. Instead of stopping her, my family stood there and watched until she ran out of steam kicking me, over and over, and then blamed me for upsetting her. I was made fun of on the bus the following mornign for the bruises and taunted by the kids and the bus driver that said I probably did something to deserve it for being "the weird kid" or did it to myself for attention. The school counselor said they recieved a call from my mother to ignore my complaints and stated I was being "overdramatic". I broke down crying in the library because I could bare stand and I was still shocked from the night before. My therapist told me that my mother informed him that she "corrected me" and that I was lying and exaggerating if I said otherwise.

When I start to lay down at night I start to remember every serious wrong that's happened to me; mostly related to being the selected scapegoat at home and at school in my youth.

Because I never pressed back against attacks and scapegoating beyond a point of tears (I stopped perusing justice after emotional battery and threats) I became an obvious target for bullying by peers and authority figures.

I believe I've already communicated the times my foster (adoptive) parents beat me; from my father choking me under the table the first day I met him because I spit up food I was allergic to (I was 3), to the night my mother grabbed me by my hair while I was sleeping and dragged me down a flight of stairs, punching me in my head to the laundry room, claiming I left a sock in the dryer.

These incidents I could forgive and forget; it's the public record of being expelled under false pretenses, or being labeled a 90 lb "bully" for verbally sticking up to abusers (with retorts) or trying to protect an autistic kid on our bus (the bus driver allowed the other kids to bully him; I tried to take him to the side and explain that he was being bullied and he freaked out).

The there's the mental healthcare and healthcare workers that act aggressive because of mislabeling on my file; there are things easily disprovable on the files but the staff always act suspicious, rude, huffy a very aggressive when I speak about addressing my medical files. Something as simple as questioning a supposed diagnosis from 20 years ago communicated through "the patient" could be disproven by asking who the physician was or what was the clinics name. When I press for corrections, they dodge or attack my character, and when I keep trying and they keep mistreating me, I keep pressing in hopes they'll get tired and let me speak my peace.

I don't have any voice in any of these matters.

Earlier in life it was obvious that I was targeted for being a foster kid in a rich area that was skinny, "nerdy", non-conforming and non-authoritarian; later it was because people wish to engage in various forms of circular logic to explain how I got where I am today.

There are dozens of examples, and I've posted emails and paperwork here in the past displaying the type of people I was dealing with; from family members calling me a "faggot" and threatening me with violence to get they wanted, to government officials trying to lock me up under false pretenses like saying I typed "people bully me" on social media and there I "deserved" to be locked up.

Despite being a human-rights advocate, teetotaler with no criminal history, I'm still treated like I deserve abuse. Online, when I try to introduce reason to groups, I get death threats and mockery. I'm punished for recording those sessions, and the rest of world goes on, spinning.

The sad part is that I've been in therapy for decades and none of my therapists notes even touch on any of these subjects, because they focus on stereotyping to shift blame or work (slavery) as if it would change anything at all. Hundreds of government and healthcare workers, and not one knows anything about me or my situation, and they don't care to.

I started this blog because it helped putting things out there; so I could communicate the sorts of things that had and are happening to me, and so that people wouldn't feel alone about the cruelty and various oppression they've been through.

Instead of acknowledging that she lied to the authorities, lied to teachers, engaged in outrageous amounts of child abuse, and took steps to ruin my future with verbal confirmation she deflected.

Victims can't change the future when the weight of other's lies hold them down; by people in power whom are motivated exclusively through narrativistic lies, confirmation bias, circular reasoning, etc.

No among of truth, hard work, etc... on the behalf of the oppressed can change anything at all.

Those in power give no ultimatums: either submit to the lies and be oppressed, or reject the lies and be oppressed. The lies are to be used as a tool of forceful oppression no matter what. It is infinite oppression by law and stanards.

The only thing that stop the present and future of the oppression, is if those that told lies in the past correct their lies. That it is. The system workers that hold all the power always rely exclusively on the past record, and they claim it is impossible to challenge.

You can spend years trying to change minds, and science has proven it is ineffective in areas in which lies have been repeated or mutated.

The outrageousness of people trying to blame victims of lies, or even suggesting victim blaming at all is a cowardly act of throwing a victim under a bus in order to escape involvement in injustice.

Even when there are dozens of witnesses to the lies and oppression, no one has stepped forward; many of them are guilty of abuse themselves and lying about their victims in order to escape justice.

(2018)

After I put in several complaints of the staff engaging in retaliatory and abusive behavior, they started making me wait longer and longer before skipping me entirely.

These pictures were from an 11am appointment in which they didn't put me in a room until fifteen after (not a problem), and then proceeded to avoid seeing me for more than an hour after my appointment. I was only capable of snapping so many photos because I didn't want them to notice I was keeping a log of this behavior when they were walking by (which they insisted didn't occur at all during internal investigations by their "ethics supervisor").

The ethics report claimed no such retaliatory behavior occurred and that I was always seen exactly on time when I bothered to show up at all (in reality they kept skipping over me or canceling my appointments and claiming I was the one that cancelled them).

These are actual contradictory things my family has told me.

"You never communicate with us." "You just like talking for the sake of talking."

"You were a loner." "Yes, we [bullied/threatened/etc] you."

"You wouldn't have to walk on egg shells if you were obediant." "You're pathological." "You don't sit still and you focus on too much crap." "You're lazy and don't do anything."

"You never listen, do you?" "So you're gonna throw that in my face, you disrespectful brat."

"I don't care what the scientists/news say." "Obey the authorities."

"Don't speak unless you're spoken to." "You never contacted us."

Going through my old screenshots of conversations I’ve had with people echo like a psycho-drama of unbelievable nonsense.

“You allow people to harm you.”

“We all have to save ourselves before we can be concerned with anyone else.”

“I didn’t do the thing I said I was going to, and your situation changed, it doesn’t matter.”

“There is nothing I can do. I can’t write to anyone. Even if could, who cares?”

“You’re a f*ggot who spazzes out on people. You need to learn to respect authority.”

“Yes, I fucked you over, and yes I lied about you. I didn’t want people to like you better than me. So it’s all fair in love and war.”

“God allows it to happen, so it’s supposed to happen.”

These are the types of things I used to allow people to get away with. I was desperate for witnesses or former abusers to give me their approval or side with me, only to turn on me when they get paranoid about coming up against my abusers or admitting to their involvement in some non-private manner. They would keep going back and forth and then wonder why I would get positive and then irate with them after their routine betrayals. Worse yet, I had therapists telling me I should be submissive to the abuse, calling it normal social compromise and forgiveness.

When I was in kindergarden my teacher locked me in the bathroom year long and threatened to have me sent to prison... for being a foster kid that told on her for smoking in the classroom; the teacher that shared the same space with a divider actually got the principal and he asked the class if she had smoked in the classroom. Everyone said yes, but she fixated on me, acting as if I was a ringleader of a rebellion or something. I was kindergardener.  

I ended up being held back and labeled with ADD (unjustly), and from that moment that mark went on my record, half my teachers used me as a punching bag. 

My 1st grade teacher took me out of class to explain to me that foster kids weren't like other kids and didn't belong in society. He stated he was leaving his position to work in social worker to get kids like “me” out of society.

In the 2nd grade I was moved to a different school and locked in a room by myself as a “special needs student” until someone that worked at the school called in a tip. I was tested, asked some questions, and was sent back to my original school the next year. 

My 4th grade teacher flipped over my desk, dumped out the contents in front of the class and made me sort everything and then throw it away while clapping and singing a song about how I wasn't a real person (and that I never would be until I learned to obey authority). It actually just came out of the blue. We were all reading from our textbooks silently when she slammed a book on her desk as she got up and rushed me. The rest of class said they felt sorry for me afterwards but no reported it to anyone.

My 8th grade teacher told me I wasn't allowed to defend myself from bullies because I was "weak", and then assaulted me. He then claimed I was the bully for replying to verbal assaults and threats. I was expelled, but they still granted me 8th grade-passing. Yes, This actually happened. He was the teacher of my “alternatives” class. He fixated on me ever day, asking me personal questions in class in attempts to humiliate me in front of everyone. When we were supposed to present a report on our likes and dislikes, he called me a pathological liar and a poser for stating what music and books I was into, making loud noises of disapproval to interrupt my report. He would openly allow me to be called a f*ggot and b*tch in class, but if I responded (with lesser words), I was sent to the office. The people in the office never listened to me. The counselors never listened to me. Even when I reported the assault (he grabbed my arm and shove me because I didn’t respond to his bullying; I sat there emotionless and motionless) they victim blamed me, calling it a reaction to insubordination.

A different teacher (the shop teacher), made me re-take the shop room exam three times despite passing each time because he said I must have cheated because I wasn’t smart enough to pass the exam. He grabbed a box and threw it at me screaming once for taking the recycling to the recycling instead of putting it in the trash, accusing me setting up a drop point for stealing the trash later (?). When I worked as an assistant in the disabled class, I was taken off the list because I refused to use aggressive force on the severely disabled kids that couldn’t cooperate with the demands the “teachers” barked at them. They would hit them and yell at them, and tell them they “knew” that the extremely disabled students were resisting on purpose. Prior to that I was removed from “Drama” for supposedly talking in the back of class; I was just responding to a student’s question about what they had missed because they didn’t want to interrupt the teacher.

It was all very confusing. I don’t want to call it traumatizing but it was. The vice principal and counselors just victim-blamed people and tucked them away. I was told that the paperwork (which these teachers were relying on before meeting students, that they updated quarterly) indicated I was a “problematic” student that was “disobedient”, from “foster care” that had a “disability” (the false ADD claim). 

My 11th grade “psychology” (she didn’t have a degree) teacher screamed at me and physically removed me from class. A kid was stabbing me with a pencil as the teacher was repeating herself because she was obviously drawing a blank as what to say next. I told the student to stop, and bam... she stomped over to me, grabbed me, threw me out of the classroom, and told me I was kicked out and to go to the principal's office. The principal switched my classes but refused to say what I was even being accused of other than telling another student to stop poking me with the sharp end of his pencil while the teacher was talking.

Each time this happened I was told it was because I "wasn't paying attention" or challenged their "authority". I was told my "record of being a foster piece of shit" meant I was a bad apple. They projected and projected but could never explain what I did wrong. They would just get flustered and tell me that I "knew". They didn't have any reason. They saw someone that was unprotected and went for the attack to feel better (powerful) about themselves. 

The school counselors always protected the teachers and always attacked the character of the students. It's a sick society we're living in and the lunatics are running the asylum. 

The vast majority of my tormentors were the adults that were power-tripping like crazy; very few of the students engaged in bullying, but most of them did engage in victim-blaming. This wasn't surprising since most of the kids I grew up around came from both authoritarian and class-justifying homes.

The sad part is that I was also going through domestic abuse at home, and the therapists I was sent to just ignored the problems, labeled me and threw me on drugs that changed routinely.

Being pushed down stairs, grappled with, threatened, taunted, hit with objects, public humiliation with lies and accusations, destruction of my property. This is all I knew growing up. So my abusers in school and at home sometimes worked together to feed each other excuses to assault me and shame me.

The took away my education, shot at higher education, reputation, belongings, and then in the end tried to blame me for it by claiming I was "disobedient". Even to this day the shit mental health system trains workers to do nothing but ignore the client's abuse history and instead to focus on projecting any trauma onto clients in order to claim it's an inferiority or anxiety issue.

And they wonder why people say it's the system is so damaged. Even when they have direct evidence of abuse and no justification for it, they still ignore it and try to blame victims. The mental health system is pure class-rankism run amuck.

This is the cycle I am caught in:

Someone wants to:

1. Pressure me to do something (an action, or to agree, etc) 2. Bully me to assert hierarchical order 3. Bully me to assert dominance or superiority 4. Bully me for sadistic fun 5. Use me as a scapegoat 6. Victim blame me

All of which are Human Rights abuses and criminal acts.

If I resist any of these things, people increase in aggression, threats, public displays of humiliation under false pretenses, abuse, etc.

If I resist that, I am told that I mentally ill, unstable, lack self awareness, cannot be trusted, etc... and am treated derisively by medical, school, law enforcement and therapeutic staff declaring mentally ill people are aggressors, lack self awareness and are stupid trouble makers that don't deserve rights or to be listened to.

Then someone learns of these issues, and tries to exploit it for personal gain (either consciously or subconsciously; stigma, prejudice, justification, rationalization, reactionary behaviors, etc) and the cycle starts all over again. The system workers (mental health, health, social services, etc) focus entirely on promoting confirmation bias and attempting to justify previous diagnosis and abuses by engaging in circular logic, begging the question fallacies, false attribution errors, victim blaming, blame sharing fallacies, authoritarian biases, bulverism, etc... in order to defend the system; both the system of thought and the network of workers and authorities (and their judgements). At no point is evidence ever asked for, and evidence is called irrelevant, and hearsay by authorities and unscientific and irrational biases (and fallacies) are said to be the gold standard for determining absolute, unquestionable truth. Meanwhile my childhood, teen years, young adulthood and middle life have all been taken from me, as has my identity, legal rights, social status, opportunities, right to be considered innocent until guilty, trustability, property, etc. Every time I complained about the diagnosis, they figure the only possibly reason why someone would ever question the system is because they are mentally ill, and thus another illness is added. In total they have accused me of having over 12 disorders, all without any reasoning or evidence. I was told that complaints from meant dictated I must secretly be at fault, even though I had presented evidence of people threatening me, bullying, admitting to lying about me, taunting me and telling me that ruining my life with lies didn’t matter. The things authorities fixated on were: 1. Are you obedient to authority 2. Are you socially accepted 3. Do you have any negative concerns or feelings about the world or your life 4. Who do you blame problems (obstruction, abuse, etc) on 5. Do you accept the narratives that are given to you and the decisions made by authorities

If you don’t give them the answers they are seeking, then they grow suspicious, act fanatical, laugh or show unreasonable concern, and declare you must be mentally ill. They cannot conceive of authorities or groups being 100% wrong. Even if they are proven 100% wrong, they declare the victim must always share at least 50% of the blame, often proclaiming they must have mislead authorities and group, or that people concern themselves too much with personal rights.

The system is fucked and it’s outright destroying the lives of intelligent, creative, stable, strong, critical rational thinkers. It attempts to obstruct, slander and take over the lives of those critical of culture, authority, groupthink and systems. I’m not saying psychiatry, psychology, therapy, or social services can’t be useful in theory; I’m saying the practices are entirely corrupt and zero percent of the workforce is focusing on Human Rights, responsiveness, accountability, etc... instead they often just pretend they are.

Only these concepts can save the system:

1. Critical thinking courses that specifically outline issues in cognitive biases, fallacies, heuristics, dogma, sectarianism, and system justification (separating provable facts from faith). 2. Ethics courses that focus on Human Rights and efficiency. 3. Efficiency in response times, corrections, apologies and course correction 4. Adhering to a purely scientific, evidence-based diagnostic system with well-thought out error-less criteria system that doesn’t support the false attribution error fallacy 5. Creating a system for course correction that frees people from the various cycles associated with misrepresentation There. Five steps. Additionally, they should also create a hearing system for analyzing evidence, counter evidence, and an analysis of the system itself But they won’t do this. The system is focused on: 1. Company reputation (legal, social and career protection) 2. Career development 3. Coworker and authority protection 4. System justification, authoritarian justification and group-think justification 5. Exploiting the flaws in the system to maximize gains and shift blame 6. Encouraging dependence, self-blame, stigma and derisiveness towards critics 7. Justifying all the above by manipulating testimony and statistics to fit their self-serving narrative that supports power (special rights and privileges), need (due to supposed issues), gain and blame

20 miles outside of Detroit, and all the kids came from the Detroit foster care program (Lutheran Social Services). Despite the foster care profile directory containing 98% African American children, the foster home I grew up in only saw white children. I remember being 12 (adopted by then) and seeing my adoptive mother flip through the directory in one of the social service agency sitting areas, skipping past all of the dark skinned children, only stopping when she saw white faces. She would then mumble commentary about if the children were “good” or “bad” depending upon the information provided, which was usually just their name, place of origin, if they have siblings also in fostercare, etc... (ie; nothing to judge the children by).

I remember asking her why not this child or that child, pointing to black children, and she opened her eyes and stared at me like I swore, and then went back to the directory. Occasionally various foster kids that entered the home were often derided for “acting black” if they used slang or misspoke, but that phrasing was phased out by the 90s. We did foster a latina girl named Margherita for two days at the behest of the social service agency, but she was also watched like a hawk, and the rest of the family kept asking her fairly racist questions. Out of the 50+ children that came in from the Detroit area, 0% of them were black. 7 adopted; all white.

My adoptive father would use phrases that I though were made up, since apparently he liked strange insults and comments, so I thought nothing of the comments he made while I was growing up. On a few occasions he said things like “zipperhead”, “cotton-picking son of a bitch” and “tar baby”, none of which I understood at the time. I remember when the one black kid in the neighborhood came by to introduce himself, and while my adoptive father tried to be civil (very energetic attitude which I now realized was probably nervousness), but he wouldn’t let him in the house and instead suggested he check out the basketball hoop we had in the back (I cringed).  As I got older, I realized he had a deep distrust of black people and for some reason felt hostile towards Asians (he refused to go to Chinese restaurants with the rest of the family and we eventually stopped altogether). I was also told I couldn’t hang out with a particular Filipino student in elementary school after my then foster father found out he was Asian (he referred to his family as “chinks”). I was told he was in the Korean war, so he had a “right” to be racist towards “mongoloids” by his biological son. His daughter only made one openly racist comment that I can recall, stating it might be smart to be sure her brother’s girlfriend’s baby didn’t “come out black”, as to imply his pregnant girlfriend was unfaithful because she had black friends. 

Even before my adoptive father’s death, he would routinely make Facebook posts about being anti-immigration and pro-confederacy, often using the same meme posts that alt-right and extreme racists pollute the internet with. 

Reviewing some of my old emails when I came across this gem: I am permanently banned from all Community Colleges in Chicago (and placed on an unofficial nation-wide college blacklist) because I gave a homeless person a sandwich once (across from the campus I was attending years ago). The Office of Civil Rights stated... well, you can read it yourselves. They declared they ONLY prohibit discrimination on the basis of race, color, national origin, sex, disability, and age. So if they (Community Colleges of Chicago) want to ban me for giving someone a sandwich when I'm not on campus because the neighborhood is going through an anti-homeless gentrification process, then so be it.