a dance with the devil

That’s not friendship. That’s being an enabler. That’s being an accomplice.

Lundy Bancroft, “Why Does He Do That?”

the example given really hit home

8 Ways To Spot A Narcissist

Narcissists are not evil, they are a necessary part of our journeys because they allow us to reflect on why we’ve attracted them - these are the parts of ourselves that need healing.

1. Perfectionist - they need things to be done “right”. Narcissists have a certain way of doing things and if something doesn’t match their standard they will become very distressed. This comes from a deep-seated insecurity that nothing they do will ever be “good enough”. 

2. Ignorance - they don’t want to work on themselves. The narcissist can never admit that they are wrong or that they may have some parts of themselves that need healing. This is why they suffer from a lack of self-love and must manipulate others into giving love to them, but it’s never enough because they don’t love themselves. They’re on an endless search for love externally, while everything they need is within them.

3. Competition - they have to be “better” than everyone else. Narcissists love to feel superior to others because they derive a sense of satisfaction from being “better” than everyone else. They will show off what they have or what they’ve achieved with the intention of hurting feelings but refuse to speak about anyone doing “better” than them.

4. Materialistic - they try to hoard material wealth. They are attracted to symbols of social status such as money, shiny objects & expensive clothing because these things attract attention from others. They mistake this attention for love and continue to hoard as many material possessions as possible to continue to gain external validation from others.

5. Egomaniac - they live through the ego. Narcissists live through the ego as a way of protecting themselves, they often create false identities for themselves as a defence mechanism. When they present this false identity to others and get rejected their ego remain intact because they never exposed their true self.

6. Popular - they hate to be by themselves. We will often find narcissists surrounded by others, usually other narcissists, because spending time with themselves invokes reflection time - which would make them very uncomfortable. Spending time with others distracts them from looking within and they often create drama within their own friendship groups as a form of entertainment and distraction.

7. Overcompensate - they make up for their wrongdoings in other ways. Being particularly obsessive about cleaning their living space is a way many narcissists overcompensate for the way they live their lives. They believe that physical cleaning is a substitute for the emotional healing they need - which is why seeing dirt can be a trigger for expressions of anger or sadness.

8. Reputation - they thrive off of how others perceive them. Narcissists love to have their egos stroked, such as when someone speaks highly of them - this is why we see them often trying gain a reputation for something that others envy them for. For example many young men aim to have sex with as many women as possible for the admiration and praise they will receive from their peers.

Narcissism is a symptom of a lack of self-love.

An apology from a narcissist is about as much of a waste of oxygen as it gets. First, an apology is supposed to mean you’ve learned from your mistake and won’t repeat it…. Secondly, an apology is supposed to mean you accept responsibility for your behavior and, that would indicate accountability… Third, an apology is supposed to be genuine and for no other reason than you mean it… Finally, if you’re sorry, you feel empathy. You can put yourself in the other person’s shoes and at least imagine how your actions made them feel.

Here’s what an apology from a narcissist means: 1) I need some supply and you being upset is disrupting what I need. or 2) I want something from you so I’m going to get back on your good graces so you’ll give it to me. or 3) This is going to make me look good to whomever I’m impressing at the moment.

It is NEVER genuine, It is NEVER for the right reasons, It is NEVER sincere. Don’t fool yourself. Whatever they did to hurt you, they WILL do again. Why? because they know you’re a sucker and they can.