who do you think you are i am

why is talking so difficult? i wanna cry hard. like, legit cry hard in this fucking train rn. i really wanna connect with people but then everytine im in a social situation it feels so terrifying to converse. i failed so many times so now it's dreadful, i dont want to seem weird and offputting, im so so so scared of giving that vibe. i hate my life. it's pretty comfy now, actually. im away from my family, im doing my masters degree, i found work. i can support myself and live kinda freely. but precisely because of that, it's so frustrating not to be able to connect deeply with anyone. the chinese guy, remember him? lol he has become my boyfriend in the end :D but even with him at times i get scared, i freeze up and cant come up with anything. what worth is in living like this? so close to what ypu want to achieve but never managing to get there?