there are a million different beautiful ways to discuss the pain and impact of loss. those are important and valuable and meaningful, but you can find them elsewhere. today i want to talk for a minute about the practicalities of grief.
maybe this is the first time youâve lost someone that youâre really attached to, maybe itâs the thirtieth (i hope not, but maybe). regardless, it can be helpful to learn or be reminded of the practical side of this big, hard emotion, so here are some things to keep in mind.
1: there is no right or wrong way to grieve. everyone does it differently, and how it manifests will likely change for you as time goes on. this is normal and expected.
2: it can be really hard to predict how impacted you will be by any given loss, or when. itâs okay to not feel it as strongly as you think you should, and itâs ok to feel like youâre hurting a lot more than you expected. see point 1.
3: aside from the usual crying and sadness, symptoms of grief can include a really wide variety of things from insomnia to fatigue to headaches, nausea, dizziness, dissociation, inability to focus, lack of appetite, irritability, and on and on. (i find it often hits me a bit like a migraine, like iâm thinking through cotton wool.)
4: if you are neurodivergent in some way, you may find that you are experiencing heightened instances of your neurodivergence. people with depression may have a depressive episode, people with adhd may struggle more than usual with focus, etc. it is important to keep an eye on this, especially if this is something for which you take medication. speak to your doctor or therapist about if or when you may need to adjust any dosages to cope.
5: relatedly, it is really important to practice pragmatic self care while grieving. if you canât sleep through the night, at least lie down and rest. if youâre having trouble eating, pick really simple easy food and try to distract yourself with a show or book you like while you eat it. eat smaller amounts, but more frequently. especially if youâre crying a lot, make sure youâre staying hydrated. put yourself in the wet box and get clean at a regular interval. itâs easy to want to let this all slide, but doing so will dig you into a hole that it can be challenging to climb back out of.
6: find a way to acknowledge the loss. modern western society is bad at this, but itâs an important part of the process. if you canât go to a public remembrance, attend one online or make your own. light a candle, read a poem, play a song, anything that lets you feel like there has been an âofficialâ observance of what has happened. similarly, some people like to do âmourningâ in the sense of painting their nails black or cutting their hair, some temporary outward sign of the emotional impact. whatever it is for you, finding a way to ritually and concretely acknowledge the emotions youâre feeling can be helpful.
7: touch some proverbial or literal grass. no one wants to hear it, but itâs true: log off. put your phone in a drawer. go for a walk. sit and meditate. have a cathartic cry in the shower. whatever it is to you, itâs important to find a way to step back from the emotional churn, even if just for a few minutes, so that you can begin to reestablish your equilibrium.
8: talk to others. humans are social creatures, and even if youâre not someone who likes to process your feelings with others, make sure youâre regularly getting some sort of human interaction. if youâre feeling overwhelmed with emotions, please seek professional help, either from an existing therapist or appropriate other person or by getting connected with a hotline or other resource. donât struggle alone.
9: grief is cyclical and unpredictable. sometimes itâs all-consuming; other times it feels like itâs almost gone. you may find that youâre just numb for a while and it hits you later; or it might be terrible now and then fade only to wallop you out of the blue in three months time. you may have moments where youâre happy and distracted and the start crying five minutes later. this is normal. please refer to point 1.
10: be gentle with yourself, but donât be complacent. grief is hard, and trying to deny it or rush it will not help. at the same time, the cruelest thing about grief is that life does go on immediately and unceasingly. if you allow grief to control you for very long, it will can really derail a lot of things in your life. please remember that you are loved and important and deserve to be cared for, and take small, regular, concrete steps to do so.
this, like all things, shall pass.
