Hate me

I'm not dead lol

just gave myself a break from here, i wanted to heal and tumblr triggered me a lot

don't think I'll be active here anymore? at least not if i don't relapse like hard

but I'm doing good actually, im healing, slowly, but healing

I'm in therapy and formally diagnosed now (bpd and depression and anxiety) and working on that, I graduate from university next year and I'm still with my bf, we've been together for more than a year now

i still get flashbacks and i remembered part of the abuse my ex did to me (sadly, sexüaly), but I'm also healing from that.

i haven't seen him nor known anything about him or my "friends" since last post, and im happy for that.

life's not great, but better 💙

and for anyone reading, i wish you well

i just lost my friends over a mf who literally abused me

cuz they decided "he deserved a second chance"

my bf told me last night my guy friends wanted to be friends again with my ex

my ex who traumatized and abused me (not s3xually tho, don't worry) for 3 years and basically threatened with selling my nud3s just cuz he had them and wanted money so he could do whatever he wanted with them

after the same friends kicked him out of the group on the first place to "protect me"

where's that "we just want u to be comfortable and protect you cuz you've already suffered enough" now?

what changed in the past 6 months?

why?

how?

my bf said they doesn't intend to like bring him back to the group, the supposedly just want their friend back but they're not gonna make me be in the same room with o talk to him or whatever

but i know my friends better than my bf does (he's new to our group)

i know and understand that the better outocome of all of this is for us to make peace and live like nothing happened

but i can't

i literally can't

he screwed me up

seriously

for more than 3 years

and not only me but another of our girlfriends too which whom he supposedly wanted to be in a relationship with at the time when he threatened to sell my pics

i just want to know if they thought about all pf this when they said "we wanna be friends with him again"

do you feel everything's gonna be like nothing happened?

i just... don't wanna lose MY friends over a b1tch who screwed ME up

I'm the victim here

not him

i just had a flashback where i remembered that when i was younger i wished with all my heart almost every day for the fairly oddparent to be real so they could save me from my dad

geez

i never thought I'd be installing this app cuz i didn't actually wanted to stay clean

but

it's not fair for him to be worrying if i cleaned my cvts properly when it's a type of hurt i never had to learn to inflict to myself ever in the first place

i know I'll fail several times

he knows it too

but i just want something for me to prove I'm honestly trying