[This story is just for that one reader.]

Jinna: I've always wanted to sleep with a Witted guy. dw you're one of the good ones.

Fitz: wow fuck you i'm leaving.

Starling: what's up FitzFaggotry Farqueer?

Fitz: what the fuck oh my god what the fuck die

Starling: you could've hit this but byeeeeeee

Fitz: Fool, you want to have sex with me???

The Fool: not saying no but have you heard of the Split Attraction Model.

Fitz: i fuCKING KNEW IT HOW DARE YOU

The Fool: you're a bad lay babe, I want your soul.

Fitz: what

The Fool: collapses

chade @ baby fitz:

lord golden:

tom badgerlock:

assassin’s quest road trip:

chivalry @ burrich:

regal farseer:

burrich:

fitzchivalry (again):

kettricken:

5. mage grey. hot take but that was fucking hilarious. 'yeah this is uh. a wizard. no he's normal I swear ignore the tortured look to him, that's just how Jamaillians look'

4. lant -- existed solely to fuck his sister, bully a 9 y/o, and make his father disappointed. funny if ineffectual

3. august -- first mentioned when regal is trying to kill a six year old. does nothing of note, encourages suicide, goes crazy and fucks off to withywoods to die

2. jek -- was hot, was horny, got her hand cut off and immediately became a spy. wannabe lesbian would be 1000% more character with a strap

and yeah it’d be the same even if nighteyes came back with him because even if the wolf actually knows what he’s doing he's sadly not so politically inclined. And he’s a wolf

Also Fitz, writing down his story: let the record show The Fool kissed me on the lips here

Picking up his pen and thinking for 10 no homo seconds before adding

Oathbringer by Brandon Sanderson

Iron widow by Xiran Jay Zhao