Just My Thoughts

He’s jealous..he’s jealous because I have friends. What the fuck! Am I just not worthy of friends anymore? God forbid I talk to people who actually wanna spend time with me and love me for me! He thinks I might cheat on him when I go on my trip in October with one of my friends which I don’t think will ever happen! I’ve been nothing but stay BY HIS DAMN SIDE FOR SIX YEARS when he got fired, his back was in worse pain then ever, when he was so depressed he couldn’t walk around the house and when his own mother called him every name in the book!

But no me having friends and having deep conversations with them is “cheating”. I don’t get it. I really really don’t get it. He’s insecure, angry, and sad 32 year old man who lives with his dad and that relationship is FULL of emotional incest! I’ve been pointing it out to him for YEARS and all he’s done is defect it and make it seem like “it’s a healthy bond” ITS NOT HEALTHY WHEN YOU HAVE TO GO WITH HIM EVERYWHERE AND ASK HIS PERMISSION TO GO PLACES! Plus have him all over you while I’m around!

I don’t know what to do anymore..I’m might as well leave him cause if he’s acting like I’m a horrible person I’ll be a horrible person. I’ll avoid him at all costs, I’ll ignore his messages, remove myself from his life then all he’ll have is daddy!

I’m sick and tired of being like this! I miss myself and who I am. I even have plans to hang with them tonight but I’m backing out due to “me hanging around them to much” like should I just break it off with all of them? Should I ignore the people who I have so many great memories with just so I can please this one person?

I feel so off today, I just feel like things in life aren’t working for me anymore. I don’t like bothering people with my issues and I want to be there for everyone but I just feel like I ruin everything. I don’t want to be around anyone anymore.

I muted my conversations everywhere so I can probably be quiet from everyone. I ruin my family’s happiness, I ruin my friends lives, I ruin my boyfriends peace. I might as well just wipe my existence off the face of the earth.

My mental health hasn’t been the best and I’m tired of acting like it is. I need a way out, weather it’s suicide, an act of someone killing me, or anything. I don’t feel like I fit in anyone’s life. I haven’t talked to one of my best friend in days cause I feel like they hate me, I tried to make my nieces birthday good by not being there yet I’ll get told I HAVE to go. Like I don’t wanna be around children right now while I bottle up my tears about my depression, my boyfriend doesn’t spend a lot of time with me and I just..I’m just a waste of space.

He moved on..they always do..I just feel like I’m disposable. I miss everyone who has deeply embedded in my heart, one hasn’t spoken to me in a year, and the other is going through a depressed state.

Maybe being disposable works for me. I don’t have any plans to make people happy anymore, I’m making a beautiful thing for my best friend but I fear she’ll hate it and remove me from her life forever. Maybe I should drop the project. It’s worthless anyway. I sent her a message saying I love her and nothing. I’m not asking for a worded response but just a heart reply but I don’t see me getting that.

And he moved on.. completely.. I’m giving up on us rebuilding a friendship. I’ve been messaging you for a year now and all I’ve been getting is the silence from you. So I give up. I’m sorry.

My thoughts are racing through me…I feel like a void that sucks the happiness from people and I gonna stop. I muted the group chats I’m in and most of my DMs due to me coming off as “too much”.

I hate myself, I hate how I am around my friends, my family, hell even my work place! I’m so fucking dumb that I can’t even figure out a god damn computer! My friends are going to forget about me sooner or later but it’s best if I leave now. Ignore them so they can have a happier life without me. I can’t even be happy with the fact one person who I held such deep care for hasn’t spoken to me in a god damn year yet talks to my other friends like their buddy buddy.

I can’t believe I’m sitting here on my bed and knowing that I’m too much, or just clingy! I want to see my friends thrive and I learned they thrive without me, I’m sorry to whoever sees this but I love you guys and please understand that I can’t be a part of your lives. You all deserve so much better than someone who is a constant reminder of a clingy and pathetic person.

I know I shouldn’t trust my judgement at midnight but I’m sorry but it’s the truth. I’m nothing but a sinking anchor on my friendships. Please no one try and reach out…I don’t deserve to be liked, loved, cared for, or respected.

Im a bother. Im such a pain and so clingy that maybe being around people isn’t such a good idea. I try hard to be here for everyone but i push them away. I feel terrible for everything that’s happened to everyone who’s had a bad day/time lately.

I’m too clingy to the fact I was so excited to be with my friend and I just feel like I was too much for them, I am too much. I can’t help my friends with their home life and I feel like if I talk about mine it’ll be shut out. I know I have people who care but why in the back of my mind I feel like they aren’t.

I have nothing to look forward too anymore, I don’t wanna work, I don’t wanna do anything but lay around in my loser boyfriends home while he whines and complains about his back all day..it’s honestly all i deserve in life.

Maybe not being around anyone is a good idea though, I’ll just stay at home, isolate, work, then lay back into bed ignoring my life..I ruin everything and everyone’s lives,

To my friends; I love you all and I’m sorry I’m gonna be a bit distant and avoid everyone for a while,

To my family; I don’t fit into this world anymore. Yall are better off without me. I’m sorry

To my lovers; don’t hate me for being alone. Understand I love you with all my heart but..maybe it’s best if I leave.

I wrote them a message. I think they’re mad at me and I can understand that. Even though I tried to get them to sleep I feel like everything is my fault. I’ve wreaked the most important thing in my life. I really saw a future with them and I wanted to be there for them in every way possible.

Maybe I’m not meant to have people in my life, I can’t delete my social media due to the memories I have but I can always mute or block them. I just want to relapse and never see or hear anyone again.

I failed as a friend, I failed as a lover, god I fucked up so much I just wish I could start that day over and ignore the spam messages and tell them I can’t deal with someone intoxicated.

But I feel like that I sent them that message they probably hate me. They’ve been fighting their depression and I just made it so much worse! I forgive them for everything that happened but I can’t forgive myself for being there.

I think I lost another friend. I don’t know but I feel terrible. Yesterday/ last night they kept spamming me and saying they love me and miss me and I kept telling them to go to bed. They were drunk and I had no idea at first but early this morning they said they felt bad for all the spam but now they haven’t spoken to me. I think I lost them.

The thing is I don’t want to lose them, I love them way too much for them to leave. I even develop DEEP feelings for them and they for me. But I ruined it..I have no idea how but I did.

That’s two people now. Two people who I love deeply are probably gonna be gone and out of my life. Maybe I deserve it. I give too much and now I’m here. Alone,

I can’t. I can’t do it anymore. All I’m doing is just being in my head, I hate being in my body, I hate being alive. God I wish I just died in that fucking crash! I hate myself i hate myself! Why the fuck do I have to be around people! Why do I have to have a constant feel of having someone around me when I just want to kill myself!

That crash should’ve killed me. I wasn’t wearing a seatbelt and I don’t want to anymore. I might as well stop in front of a car and just get hit. Or just take all those damn “emergency” Tylenols in my bag, or fucking cut myself till I’m gushing blood and no one can save me!

ANY WAY OF DYING WOULD BE AMAZING! I’m done being a shitty daughter, I’m done being an ugly sister, I’m done being a horrible and fat girlfriend! I’m done being such a terrible friend to where no one talks to me unless they HAVE to! WHY THE FUCK AM I STILL ALIVE!!

…the thing I wanted more than anything happened and yet I’m still alive. I got into a car accident but because I guess somewhere out there wanted me still alive kept me alive. Why? I’m not worth anything! People don’t want to talk to me, don’t like me, don’t want anything to do with me. So why am I still alive?!?!

I WANTED TO DIE IN THAT ACCIDENT SO MUCH BUT IM NOT! WHY AM I STILL HERE!! I have nothing to show for my life anymore.

I mean..not like people care and the one person I’ve been wanting to talk to is ignoring me STILL and posting everywhere that they need people to talk to yet I’m right here. But it’s fine. I should’ve died. I. Should’ve. Died.

Maybe I’ll die in my sleep so I don’t have to deal with anything anymore. No one can catch up on me, no one can act like they loved me when they don’t. I’ll never be one people care about. I’ve been bottling up my crying till now so no one can hear me. I’m sorry to everyone that “loved” or “liked” me. I’m worthless and I hate this!

I want to message you. I want to talk to you like we used to, have fun, laugh at silly moments, catch up on our lives, hear about your work, and you hear about mine. I want to tell you that we’re all still friends and we miss you terribly. It chews me up inside of the fear of talking to you and full on ignore me yet you message and reply to our other friends.

Was a bad friend to you? Did I do something that made you not want to talk to me again? I miss you. I miss you so much. I remember when you broke up with them and I kept seeing your status on Facebook and here and I reached out but…you never replied. I asked our friend if you want to talk to me and all you said was I’ll talk to them when I’m ready. I understand that but i miss us. I miss hearing your voice, your laugh, your info dumping, your ideas, I can’t even read your outstanding writing anymore due to the pain of losing you.

I’ve been contemplating on messaging you over and over again, but I can’t seem to do it. I see you heart my stories on instagram, I see you liking my pictures, but I want to see you. I want to hold you, I want to kiss you, I want to look in your eyes and make you so happy and feel so much better. I wish I can make you see me, or like me again.