here’s looking at you kid

as per my last straw,

love the word aforementioned. like i already said that

you missed it because you were looking at your phone but an angel just appeared to me with a flaming sword and told me that god decided there’s nothing wrong with day drinking

just got off the phone with hello kitty—yeah it's actually kinda crazy—says she's been really into knives and xanax lately—yeah i know it's pretty wild, right???

You have bejeweled me body and soul

She let me hit it because I solved her riddles three

When my hot wrestler wife leaves me

Oh wrong post

No stay in this space with me

Daily affirmations for tesla owners: your car is ugly as hell and everyone hates you

didnt getd tucked into bed so ive died unfortunatley

baby this breakdown is not even livebloggable

stop telling people on here they need to romanticize even worse things. hasnt the gentrification of cannibalism been enough insufferable. do you want them to come for all we sickos have left.

this app feels like a big groupchat now

hey we ran out of toilet paper in the upstairs bathroom could you bring some when you come home

i got the thin and papery kind because its cheaper is that ok

*the objects in my bedroom start melting from my latent pyrokinesis* yeah thats okay.

yeah sorry I crushed your boyfriend with the flat side of my knife to release his aromas. yeah he’s in the soup now

yo im 4 year old rapper. my names napkin. and i just got sign, to pickles records

oh cool it's decemeber! *grieves & grieves & grieves & grieves &*

working in an office is just like being in a horse movie except the horse is a printer. im the only one in the office who can make it work and its because the printer and i have a special bond. its a wild and untamable spirit and we are going to win the big race